I need some encouragement

I like to go on this site for my weightloss support because I don't feel comfortable in the monthly group meetings my weightloss center holds.  They are great people but I just dont do well in groups and I end up comparing myself to others. I also feel like some people put on a show about how great their doing, great for them, but at least on the sight I can just avoid reading those untill I feel better ☺. 

So this weight loss thing is more about changing my lifestyle and way of thinking and health. I am very honest about it. When people ask me how I'm doing I will say if I'm having a bad week and ate things a wasn't supposed to and also tell them when I had a good week and was on top of everything. I wish more people would be open about the bad times. I can recognize that I am becoming more consistent and it is much easier to avoid bad food and stop eating when I'm done. I think because I'm so open about it that people are expecting me to fail.

I don't like when people boast about never eating another piece of bread after surgery or that they lost so much weight. Good for them but their journy couldn't have been 100% perfect. People in group boast about success then the people that do talk about their slip ups they talk with such shame. I have encountered post op people that are so judgemental of others that gain the weight back or mess up some how. Like hey if I was capable of being perfect I wouldn't need surgery.

This stuff has been bugging me lately. My mom like to brag about my weightloss and then puts down this other guy we know who is gaining some weight back. Then there is also this lady at work who's daughter had the surgery and she always mentions that she has lost more then me. I tell myself im doing just fine and that im doing best I can but it still makes me sad. From the beginning I lost weight at slower rate than other women starting off at my size. I know personally I feel its the right pace for me but I can't help but feel like im failing. I just wanted to vent. Let me know id anyone relates to this

Edited to change it back to what I intended rather than what my ipad thought I should say.

I am sure there are a few "perfect" people out there! But I guess not many and I'm not one of them! In fact, the very word perfect is a silly one! Is it perfect to deny yourself whole swathes of food experiences? It works very well for some people but not for many!

i consider myself a wls success story! But I have never, for any length of time, not had "bad" days. For me the key is not thnking of them as bad! I think guilt is corrosive and all too easily leads to the attitude of thinking that "I have blown it today/this week so may as well just carry on!" That's how I used to behave on pre-surgery diets. 

At the moment I am being absolutely, totally committed to healthy eating for two reasons - I had a serious health scare and I have a holiday in Portugal in four weeks time! So I can honestly say not a single unhealthy, unplanned morsel passes my lips. But this is not my normal behaviour! I can do it for short bursts (this will be  a 10 week one by the time the holiday comes) but it is not my norm! 

There are undoubtely people who never touch their trigger foods again after surgery. But for me that simply would never work. My way has always been to eat all foods, including the unhealthy ones. I just try very hard not to do it too often and to enjoy them rather than feeling guilty when I do have them. Such a waste of a lovely tasting experience if we hate ourselves while eating something gorgeous! 

Dont beat yourself up! So you're not perfect! Bet lots of those people in your support group aren't either - they are just in denial, either to look good to others or, more dangerously, to themelves!

I agree with you, Glady. I'm new to this and I do feel there is a sense of shame in "slipping up." Thank you for being so honest. This is a very personal journey. I'm trying to learn from everyone, but treat everything like a buffet --take what is useful and leave the rest. 

Do this your own way. If we all do our best, we'll all be fine. Follow the rules, know there will be good and bad days, but be prepared to keep moving forward.

Good luck to you, me and everyone else.

I am not perfect yesterday I had two bites of pizza.  And of course I wanted more but those 2 bites killed my cravings. So yeah iI'm not perfect but I don't do a lot where it really hurts my wl

Some people can be "perfect" - but they are few and far between.  And how long will their "perfection" last?  I am by no means perfect, but I am being successful.

I had surgery 5/14, and went to my first post-op support meeting this past Thursday.  I had mixed feelings about it.  This particular group was open to pre-ops and post-ops.  In two weeks I'll be going to a post-op only support meeting.  I've read a lot of comments about these support meetings - some good, some bad.  The meeting I went to had "Know It Alls" and "Know Nothings" and I left with mixed emotions.

I follow my plan to the best of my ability.  In the beginning I avoided carbs of all kinds - no breads or pastas.  Well, I really missed bread, so I found some low-carb Pita pockets that I "indulge" in around twice a week.  I'm really careful not to have one more than twice a week because carbs were a real problem for me.  But now, when SO wants to order pizza, I can make a pita with cheese and tomatoes and mushrooms and be really satisfied.  Some might consider that being a "failure" - but I don't.  Pasta I won't touch, but I enjoy zucchinni noodles and eggplant lasagne.

Do what works best for you, staying within your guidelines.  Don't measure your success against other people. Don't let others drag you down!

I don't want to sound harsh, but when people ask how you are doing, unless they have also had weight loss surgery, most really do not want a detailed description of your eating. I usually just said, "I'm doing great. Thanks for asking." People get tired of hearing about our weight loss. I was open about having surgery but I never brought it up first. If someone asked a specific question, I would give a short but sweet answer. Nothing more.

For the first year, I did make healthy choices 99% of the time. I was determined to get to goal ASAP. Now I try to make the best choices I can 90% of the time. The rest is whatever I want to eat. No guilt, no shame. It is what it is. Stop beating yourself up. You are doing great!!

No offense intended but wow, you sound very angry. People who are successful aren't trying to "boast". Your journey is your own, be it successes or struggles. I'm glad you're posting here - it sounds like you really need someone to talk to.

Please don't beat yourself up, it is totally counterproductive. You're doing great!  And just think, you're only about 61 pounds from your goal weight. What I wouldn't do to be there!  If I were you,I would go harder than ever for the next few months and knock those last 61 pounds out of the park!  Success is the best revenge!

Comparison is the thief of joy. We are all unique snowflakes ;) We didn't gain for the same reasons, won't lose at the same rate, some will have a smooth journey, some many bumps. A life lesson that has helped me: There is ALWAYS going to be someone doing something better than you (and someone doing worse) in weight loss, in relationships, in bank accounts, in jobs, in life. Once I acknowledged that fact comparing was just a waste of time and I go back to concentrating on making the best choices for me each day... be thankful for the great days, try and understand the why's of the not so good days and make adjustments when needed. 

Sending you good wishes.

~Michelle "Shelly"

As someone that tends to feel uncomfortable, exasperated, and frustrated in this sort of "support" group, I totally understand your situation. Someone once said to me that there is nothing more annoying than the "ex-fatty" spokesperson, that person who has lost a lot of weight who becomes the health police, doling out advice, boasting about their loss and giving detailed descriptions of everything they ate for the last three weeks. They swear they don't touch carbs, they quote nike ads and win triathlons. They force their unique viewpoint on anyone who is overweight  on how they should NOW just do exactly as they did. Their new life now revolves completely around being slim and how they are doing it. 

And hey, good for them. They are doing their thing, getting healthy, and advocating for personal change. Perhaps they have even influenced one or two people to change their health habits. But jeez, if merely preaching about weight loss solved obesity, we wouldn't need surgery, or nutritionists, and weight loss coaches, and doctors, and forums like this. And it's annoying. I said it, and I repeat it. It's SO annoying - unsolicited advice is annoying, shoving your success in people's faces is annoying, standing on a "health" pedestal is annoying. An accounting of how you defeated dragons and wizards and broke records in your weight loss is absolutely annoying. That you never touch pasta or whatever (like that is the answer to permanent weight loss) is annoying. And while perhaps a few people may be motivated by this standard of  greatness, it's demotivating for some others that struggle in their journey, and are looking to have their failures validated as normal, as part of the process.

 The truth is, this is not a race - it's a journey. To self-discovery, to a better you. You are NOT competing against others. You are NOT competing against yourself. Repeat to yourself: THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION. You are entitled to your failures and your successes. Own them, feel them, and use them to motivate you further. If you feel that the negativity and competitiveness of groups is more of a hindrance than a motivator, don't go. Choose instead to find a different support outlet. Have you considered looking into mindful eating groups (mindfulness is a mental practice that has gained a lot of momentum in the WL community) ? They are a bunch of great people with a LOT of forgiveness, understanding and empathy. Mindfulness will help you work through your own issues in regards to you learning to deal with slip ups, how to forgive yourself, love yourself, and change for the better.

Slip ups are not shameful. Don't be ashamed of being an imperfect human being, with imperfect eating habits - it is who you are, and the sooner you start to love that person, the sooner you can learn to change what's inside and form better habits. The surgery didn't get rid of the things that made us obese, it can only provide a way to help you lose it. Those issues - the bad coping skills, the maladaptive behaviors, the unhealthy relationships with food - they are all inside of us still, and the road to making that internal change is just as difficult - more so for some than for others. Real change on the inside can't start with guilt and shame. It is important for your own well-being and overall happiness in life that you learn forgiveness and compassion towards yourself - and self-awareness, so you can nip in the bud the 'bad' behaviors the next time. 

Lastly, try to tune out any negativity in your life.  You can't stop people from asking, or telling, but you can stop what they are saying from mattering to you. Just smile and nod, thank them for their input, take a deep breath, and let it go. Perhaps, nicely, but surely, explain to your mom how her behavior, her boasting and her putting down of others, is not a motivator for you, and that you would rather she not draw comparisons. Tell her you are happy that she's so proud of you, but that this process is unique for you, and you'd rather not involve the outside world in it. Ask for her discretion. It's hard for her, because she's proud of you and wants to find a way to motivate you, but she doesn't know how - and is doing it the wrong way.