Life at 4 Years (God awfully long, sorry) xposted

So, today is 4 years since my revision and I am going to try to write a short update. That will be difficult because I do tend to get wordy at times. So, today has much more meaning to me then the anniversary of being sliced and diced (again).

 

Four years ago today was the first day in many years that I stopped eating sugar and gluten. I can honestly say that I never have gone that long without those items, which I personally feel are addictive, as least in my cause.

 

It has also been over 3 years since I have been a normal size. That isn't a coincidence, of course, but still surprising to me. I never in my life, since childhood, was a normal size for any length of time. I was either gaining or losing. I had brief periods of time where I maintained, I doubt I ever made it a year. I actually have clothes that I have worn for 4 summers now.

 

And, for the first time I can remember, I have worn things out before I outgrew them. Except wearing out the thighs in my pants. I always did that because they rubbed together so much. I have this one pair of jeans that were my favorite.

 

Not long ago the seat ripped and shredded. I was so upset. I tried patching them but that didn't work. I found them, like almost all my clothes, in a thrift store and I looked online and they aren't made any more so I found a seamstress to repair them. You can tell they were repaired but they are wearable, except at work.

 

Then I found the exact pair the next day on Ebay. Same style and size so I ordered those. They were $19.99. I never pay that much for clothes but these are supposed to be new so I guess they will be worth it. Speaking of spending a lot on clothes, as I said, almost all my clothes are from thrift stores. As I was losing weight I would buy a pair of jeans and then another pair in the next size down. That way I had something to wear when the first pair got too big.

 

Then I would go to the thrift store and do it again. I have kind of a fetish for button fly jeans. Especially Levi's 501s. Last time I purged my clothes I had like 18 pairs. One of the things I never experienced was collecting clothes because, as I said, my sizes changed so often that I was always getting rid of one size and getting a different size. I got to the point where I didn't even bother saving things because it just depressed me to know that my small clothes didn't fit so I figured that if I ever got that small again I could just get more things at the thrift store.

 

I have a very small closet and no storage so I have to go through my clothes all the time and get rid of things I don't wear before I get other things. And for the first time I store clothes after the season is over. And I am still surprised when they still fit when the season comes back around again.

 

Like I said, I have the same clothes I bought in 2011. Amazing to me. I didn't know people could do that.

 

Anyway, I was saying, one day I found a pair of Guess jeans with a button fly that were size 0, 25 waist. I doubted they would fit but I tried them on anyway because I liked them. And they fit. Of course I knew it was vanity sizing. I had been wearing 4s up till then but I never thought I would get into jeans with that size on them, even if it wasn't totally accurate. I remember I spent $25 on those damn jeans.  At Goodwill.  I didn't know Goodwill had any clothes that cost that much.  

 

Today I still have those jeans and I still wear them.

 

Enough about clothes. Now about numbers. My highest was 240 in 2002 before my first WLS. I got down to 120, for about 5 minutes and then proceeded to gradually regain 100 lbs by the time I had my revision.

 

I didn't have the revision due to the regain, though. I was so sick that I begged my surgeon for a reversal, even though I knew I would probably gain a lot more weight.

 

I learned through that sickness that there were a lot worse things than being fat and I was living it.

 

My surgeon told me he couldn't reverse me but he would revise me so I wouldn't malabsorb as much. At the time I had a 100 cc common channel and he revised me to a 200 cc common channel. I don't really trust the numbers though because he wasn't a very good surgeon at that particular surgery. Most of his patients had issues and many were revised like me, probably due in part to his incompetense at the procedure and the lousy education and follow up of the program.

 

So I agreed to it. And he told me he would also turn my stomach, which was then a sleeve, a very, very large sleeve, into a RNY pouch. Eight years earlier I thought having a RNY was a fate worse then death but as I said, I found there were a lot of things that could be worse and for me were.

 

My surgeon told me several times that I might not lose any weight. I don't know if he told me that because I had failed so miserably the first time or what but I really didn't care. I certainly didn't want to gain any more but losing weight was not my goal.

 

So, I called my surgeon's office on a Wednesday, they had me come in the next day, Thursday and the following Friday I had major surgery. My revision was open and I was in terrible shape going in. Add to that my smoking and it was not a good experience. My surgeon knew about my smoking and normally he will not operate on anyone who smokes if it isn't absolutely necessary but bless him, he knew this was necessary. My health was in the toilet and I had no quality of life. Not just a poor quality of life, I had none. I didn't even have the energy to get up, take a shower, brush my hair and teeth and put on clothes. I just could not do it.

 

I went days without changing clothes, without brushing my teeth or hair or bathing. I was honestly so fatigued that I couldn't even think. I honestly don't remember thinking about anything during that time except how I was going to do anything at all. Going to the store was a big deal. I would manage to get food, which was about all I could do.

 

I lost touch with all my friends and talked to no one but my teenage daughter and my other kids. And tried to find answers to why I was so sick. I was so sick that I had even forgotten I had WLS.

 

I had gained so much weight and I was eating so badly that I just put it out of my mind. Kind of like having been on Weigh****chers and regaining and forgetting all about having done it, if that makes sense. In my fuzzy mind it was just another diet I failed. I thought that since I was eating so much and gaining so much that I didn't need to take supplements because I thought I was absorbing them from food.

 

That was part of the reason I was so sick but what it turns out is because of the way my surgery was done I had something of a blind loop that trapped bacteria in my intestines. I had chronic bacterial overgrowth of the intestines. I had known this since about a year after my surgery when I got very sick and developed painful joints and rashes. I had reactive dermatitis and arthritis from the toxins that were being released into my bloodstream. I was diagnosed by a dermatologist who had just happened to see one other case in the hospital in a person who had had an older WLS. It was treated by antibiotics and I eventually got well but I was strongly advised at that time to have a reversal because it would continue to happen but I refused at that time because I was thin and I figured it was worth it.

 

It wasn't, especially when I regained almost all the weight back. I had all the problems and not a single benefit from having WLS.

 

I am happy to say that the day I had my revision was the last day I had any signs of the overgrowth. It has been completely cured. I also was cured of the horrible GERD I had, so bad that I would wake up choking on the acid. I was taking at least 2 PPIs a day and I was still suffering.

 

After the 3 months post op that my surgeon has all his patients taking PPIs I've never had to take a single one.

 

Six and a half months after my revision I reached my first goal, a normal BMI and ten and a half months I reached my final goal, 120 lbs.

 

And kept losing. I got under 100 and I got scared. My doctor threatened me with a feeding tube. I didn't want to go on a free for all to put on weight so I was very sensible and added in more protein shakes, nuts and other calorie dense foods. I gained up to about 103 and stayed there for a few years and then about a year ago I started gaining again, without any change in my eating. I really thought I wouldn't have to worry about bounce back since I had less malabsorption done, not more, but gradually I gained and by the beginning of the year I was 110, where I have stayed since. I wasn't about to go on a diet at my weight and the gain was welcome. I got all the usual comments in the beginning about being too thin, etc. Strangers would make comments. Friends thought I was dying, for real, especially since I had been so sick.

 

Now no one comments about my weight, which is how I want it. I like not sticking out and being able to blend in to a crowd. One of the things I hated about being obese was not being able to fade into the background. There are people in my life who have never known me obese. I started a new job 2 years ago and I have been the same size from the beginning.

 

In the past I would be in a job and within a year they would see me go through all kinds of size changes, up and down. It was embarrassing to feel self conscious, not just about my size but about gaining weight so fast.

 

So, this morning I got up and weighed myself. I was 110, where I have been at, like I said, since the beginning of the year.

 

Every day I weigh myself and I write it down. It is part of my accountability, to keep from going into denial like I always did in the past.

 

With my first WLS as soon as I started gaining I avoided the scale and stayed in denial, well as much denial as you can when clothes were being outgrown at a rapid rate.

 

When I had my revision, like I said, I was so sick that I was able to use my post op period of being sedated and on pain meds to detox from the sugar and gluten. I really had no appetite and I decided to try something new.

 

I decided to followed the post op plan to the letter. I honestly had no clue how I was supposed to eat so I worked with the NUT to develop a food plan. My insurance didn't pay so I paid out of pocket to learn how I was supposed to eat in this new way of life.

 

I followed the plan because I was afraid if I didn't I would go back to the way I had been eating and I didn't want to do that.

 

So, what has WLS done for me? It didn't make me magically thin. I did that by eating right. What it did was give me a tool. Yeah, I know I heard that the first time around, but I was special. I didn't need a tool. I had WLS that would let me eat what I wanted and not worry about gaining weight. And it did work. For about two years. Then the honeymoon was over.

 

So, for me, while failing my first WLS was my biggest regret, it also has been the best thing for me know, to have that experience to learn from and know what I did wrong and I use that experience every day because, unlike in 2002 when I thought I couldn't fail, I know full well that WLS is not a cure for compulsive overeating.

 

I had a physical procedure to address what for me is an emotional problem, using food to cope with life. What that procedure did for me is

a) allow me to experience satiety for the first time ever. I learned early out that my goal was not to be stuffed, it was to be satisfied and I could stop eating when I felt satisfied, I didn't have to go until I was sick like I used to and

 

b) it as relieved me of the relentless hunger I always felt, not just hunger but a fear of being hungry. I was so afraid of experiencing hunger that I ate all the time to stave it off. I could not comprehend going an hour without eating. If someone invited me somewhere and there wasn't going to be food available I wouldn't go because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go that long without eating.

 

Now I can do what I want, go where I want and not worry about when I will eat or what I will eat.

 

Last week, for the first time, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. In the past that would have panicked me because there is no place to get food nearby and the machines have nothing edible in them for me. But this time I just shrugged it off. I knew I could go 8 hours without eating with no problem and I did. Didn't even give it a second thought. I did try to buy a meal from the machine that looked like it might be okay, a scrambled egg with bacon and cheese thingy that tasted like evil. In the past I would have eaten it anyway to avoid being hungry but this time I tossed it after a few bites. And I was more upset about wasting $3 then about not eating.

 

Today, because I can eat so little I don't waste space on food that I don't like or that doesn't taste good. In the past I used to call myself a garbage eater because I was more interested in filling up then tasting food. I didn't care what it tasted like as long as there was a lot of it. I was that person at the table who, when someone would say "This is terrible, I can't eat it" I would tell them to pass it down and I would eat every bite. Didn't even taste it, I just wanted to be filled up.

 

So, how do I eat now? Well, it is hard to explain. I don't follow any food plan but I don't eat impulsively, either. I avoid all sugar and gluten and I don't snack or eat mindlessly. I am very careful not to drink with meals or 30 minutes afterwards and that is about as disciplined as I get. I can't eat a lot so I just do what they tell you to do, protein first and then whatever fits. I have good restriction so that helps.

 

I also seem to still have malabsorption since I feel like I eat a lot for what I weigh. I actually decided to track my food the other day just out of curiosity since I stopped tracking a few years ago. I tried to be as honest as I could be but it was difficult because I don't measure things for the most part but I paid attention and tried to get an accurate amount to put down.

 

What it showed for that day was that I ate about 2168 calories, 256 carbs and 103 protein. That is not a typical day. I don't really have typical days. Some days I hardly eat and others I eat more. I eat at least 5 times a day but I have had days, like that day at work, where I don't get in all the food or forget to eat. Imagine that, forgetting to eat.

 

Sometimes I feel guilty that I am able to eat so much and not gain weight. I accept that this may not last and some day I will have to choose what everyone else chooses, whether I want to eat more or weigh less.

 

I am not really happy at this weight. At my age being thin makes me look older and haggard. I wouldn't mind 10 or so more pounds to round out my face some. I also happen to think woman are more attractive a little heavier than thinner. I think woman with curves are sexy. I have no curves. My ass is nonexistent and I feel like I am sharp and bony, not soft and curvy.

 

But I hopefully don't complain about it. I realize I am lucky to have lost all my excess weight and to not have to diet obsessively to be thin. But I refuse to go back to bad habits to gain weight, either. I know that going back to eating refined carbs would help me gain weight but I also know that if I do that I probably won't be able to stop at 10 or so pounds. My experience in the past with trying to eat those things moderately has always failed and I have no reason to think things would be any differently now.

 

It is more important to me to stay away from those foods then it is what I weigh. My priority is not practicing my food addiction, not being a certain size. I am going to try to add some pictures, some before and after, after, after, because for me the important thing isn't losing the weight but keeping it off. My goal is to stay a normal size.

 

I have in my mind that maintaining for 5 years is significant because, kind of like remission from cancer is measured by 5 year survival, somehow being recovered from my food addiction for 5 years is a good sign of me being able to keep it up.

 

I am so grateful that we have long time vets around to give me hope it can be done. One of the things that is important to me is staying plugged into the WLS community. I know what in the past, along with a lot of mistakes, drifting away from support was a big contributor in my failure.

2002, before my first WLS.

 

2004, after my first WLS, at my ideal weight.

Exactly one month before my revision, 2010

 

2011, after reaching my first goal

2012

Exactly one year ago, 2013

Today

 

WOW, you have struggled. And through all of it, you have triumphed. HUGE congratulations to you for re-claiming your health and your LIFE.

Very best wishes for your continued good health!

Karen

My goodness. You sure have a story to tell and I thank you for sharing it. I needed to hear some of that as I have been worried about  "Am I eating too much?" Had VSG two years ago and really have some fears of regaining now that the honeymoon phase is over. Kudos to you and good luck to you on your continued journey.

Ladytazz - as a relative newbie on this site, I had NO idea of all the physical trauma you've been through or how sick you were in the past.  Yes, you are a tiny little thing these days but by god you are HERE and you are HEALTHY!   

I loves you Lady Tazz.  You've long been one of my heroes  here on OH - since long ago when you had to stand up to all of those who insisted that *you* failed the 'impossible-to-fail" DS.  Good Lord, you took a beating.

So glad you didn't give up on yourself and that you got your revision and found the right eating plan for you.  Thanks for being such a consistent inspiration=)

amy