To tell or not to tell....

Lucy - I feel for you about this situation.  I agree with most of the posters in that, you can only pray for her.  She is going to have to find out herself.  It is entirely possible that her blood work or pre-op testing will send up a red flag for the surgeon. 

I think the best you can do is just set a good example through your own behavior.  Which sucks sometimes, eh? :(

Block the two nasties! You just sound like a worried friend to me, those two are the ones with problems and if you block them you need never see them again. 

But, hard as it is, your friend is an adult and has to make her own choices. As another poster says, all you can do is lead by example. 

Let it go, Mrs. Kravitz.    Just kidding.

You cannot control what another human does.  Do not call her surgeon, the center or anyone else.  She's an adult and can make her own poor choices.  It's not your responsibility to interfere.  I appreciate your concern for her health and wish for her to succeed, but whether she does or not does not fall on you.

Please ignore the nasty comments regarding jealousy from other posters.  One hasn't had surgery, and the other is 

I'm not going to flower this up ...  It's none of your business!  Go on your very happy and successful journey and let her go on with hers.  

If I called the surgeon of every screw up I've seen on here over the last 10 years - I'd never be off the phone 

To those who have been supportive and allowed me to vent and work through this thought process thank you.  After your support and much prayer I have learned that some of my past issues as the fixer was coming to the forefront.  I dealt with that in counseling but even still I guess it visits me once in a while anyway. I know that I cannot fix her or anyone (mostly I have days I cannot fix myself lol) and therefore I will keep her in prayer but it is my decision to back off.  I do not condone what she is doing and I will not enable her process either...if she wants to sabotage herself,yes you are right it is her choice.  We cannot fix each other.  We must each travel our own path.

As for those of you who chose to belittle or demean what I was going through I forgive you and offered prayer for you.  You must be sad in some aspect of your life to think that caring for someone makes one suspicious of ulterior motives.  More like people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.  Or as my mom would say...sweep your own door clean before you sweep another's.  My guess is this is how you treat people so you think everyone does.  It's okay, you are learning too.  As Martin Luther said, "We are both Saint and Sinner at the same time...all of us".

I don't know if I will be back.  But thank you for all you have taught me...how to be and how not to be. How I want to treat others and definitely how not too.

I was asked 2 weeks ago to help form a local support group for others going through and struggling through this process (by a friend who is a MH counselor and my MH counselor is all for this) with a Christian Slant to it.  And my pastor is in full support. i guess I thought I could find tips here too.

No matter what...may we all find the path we are called to and treat each other as if we are put in each others' paths for a reason.  Like I said, even the nasty, degrading, snarky ones taught me something they never intended to teach.  I am grateful for that.

Peace and blessings....

You obviously have insight into yourself (fixer) and know that this is not the job of a friend or a support group leader.   Now, while I would never join your group , I think for those with faith, it will be a great place for WLS fellowship!!!

Don't disappear from here - I have been here 10 years and have definitely come to accept that while we are a dysfunctional family at times, we can still get and give support and I honestly believe that is one of the biggest aspects in long term weight loss success!   Some of us are blunt, some of us are downright rude, but the vast majority of people here are very caring and want to give you an honest opinion and that's what's important!

Professor Stromwell: If you're going to let one stupid ***** ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.

OK, this is from Legally Blonde, BUT if you're going to let some stupid posters run you off of this board, you're going to lose a lot of valuable advice and fun times.  I am also a solid believer in in using the block button.  I wouldn't have seen that one about caring more about the surgeon than your friend if someone hadn't quoted it.  I'm not saying she is a stupid person, yet she and I are worlds apart in how we see things.  I, quite frankly, got tired of reading her as well as quite a few people.

I've been here for about 6 years and my experienced has been enriched by many for their advice and insight.  Others have not been as helpful, but haven't been rude either.  Those who are not helpful, are rude, and otherwise not enhancing my time here have been blocked. Of course it is your decision to leave, I'd just like to endorse the block option and encourage you to stay.  I found your post to be sincere and insightful.  Who knows who may have been influenced not only by your contribution, but also some of the replies?

I hope your support group is a success.  You may find a lot of pearls of wisdom here.  It's all about separating the good from the bad or the useful from the not so helpful as it applies to your situation.

Ugh, you're in a difficult position. I definitely do not think you are jealous, being a bad friend, or that your friend should sue you. 

You can only do what is best for YOU. If it were me I would have a conversation with my friend and make sure she understands WHY the surgeon wants her nicotine free due to the complications that can from continued smoking (ulcers, healing, etc.). As for the "they'll never know if I've been cheating on my diet"...well, they might and they might not. It does not bode well for her in the long run, but, unfortunately, that is HER issue, not yours.

It has been my experience that you can only meet people where they are. Based upon what you have told us she wants the "easy" way out, wants to bend the rules and do things her way. I'm a big believer in education and providing people with the tools to make their lives better, however, I cannot force them to use the tools. I am sure she is not the first, nor will she be the last, patient at your surgeon's practice who has cheated, lied, didn't follow the rules, etc. Trust me, healthcare professionals are NOT gullible and they do expect, to a certain extent, patients to be non-compliant.. hence them throwing up their hands and saying "ok, take Flinstones...just take something!'

I don't think it is your place to tattle on her. If prayer is something you believe in and you find comfort in, then do that. Sometimes you just have to educate then turn it over to the other person...she is a grown woman and has to take responsibility for her actions, you cannot fix her.

Good luck.

Her surgeon will figure it out in a heartbeat.

It is hard enough to change ourselves, let alone someone else. I would chalk it up to none of my business and go on my way. She will have to do right on her own-no one can force her.