Dealing with an unsupportive significant other...

Hey all. So about two years ago my wife and I both decided to move toward a healthier life. My wife opted for a personal trainer and three times a week gyms, I knew for me, I needed to do something more. I've yo-yo'd my whole life. It's never really been difficult to lose, 30-40 or once even 60 pounds, it's just not been possible for me to keep it off. So I opted to pursue the WLS route. Wife said she supported me, and through the pre-process she did. She has had some success toning her body but she still eats highly unhealthy. I'll get to that in a minute...

So I've traveled my path, done all the hard work required to get a surgery date, and I did it. I'm 13 days in and 23 lbs down since the surgery. My Dr's have a clear liquid diet for the first 2 week, cloudy liquid the next 2, followed by puree and soft foods. I'm almost to the end of the clear liquid phase and just starting to really feel like I can fit 4 oz's in there and it's not causing me any issues. I am actually getting hungry during the day and the clear liquid is really not doing much for me. Sticking to it is starting to get hard, and whats making it harder is my wife is really rubbing it in my face...

For example last night for dinner she made herself and the kids "Breakfast for Dinner" al a pancakes, my favorite spicy sausage :(, and omlettes. I have been trying to keep the family unit thing on track because we have an 8 year old so I try to participate in family dinner. I will sit there with my protein shot or chicken broth, and participate. But man it was impossible last night. I had to get up and go to the bedroom, and lay down. To which she comes in and hops in bed with a piece of key lime pie... 

So this is simply last night's example. It's been going on since surgery. I'm starting to think maybe she is subconsciously jealous that I'm having so much success while she is two year into a failing proposition. Maybe that is manifesting in a desire to sabotage. I don't know... But what I'm looking for is maybe some other input or anyone who has struggled similarly with a spouse that just doesn't seem supportive or want to help me achieve success.

PS> Look I know this was MY choice, and MY journey and my family didn't sign up for clear liquid diets. I know that. But before surgery dinners look like Grilled Salmon, Steak fillets, grilled vegtables... Since my surgery they have devolved into bags of chips all over the kitchen, tubes of Pringles, bags of candy on the counters, pantry with bags and boxes of cookies, and pancakes for dinner with Key Lime pie in bed for desert. 

The last sentence does seem to highlight a "passive/agressive" sentiment.  It is probably unconcious, but I know that doesn't make it any easier to endure.

I'd suggest a calm discussion of your problem with the changes of attitude which are being shown by your sig oth. Also, the choice of junque food sure isn't doing HER any favors, either.  Surely she's sabotaging her own efforts by eating this way.  Can you ask why she's doing this to herself?

Also, you'll be back to eating solid food soon, so you have that to look forward to.

In the meantime, hang in there.  You are doing this for yourself;  nobody else can inhabit your skin.

I would definitely talk to her about it - if she's doing it on purpose, she needs to know it's not appreciated - if she's not, then a little chat might change her choices?

I am not of the view that the family need to tiptoe around you, but there should definitely be boundaries!

Have you told her all of what you've told us?  Have you been very clear about explaining what she's doing and how that is making you feel?  Are you seeing a therapist? 

She's pissed, she's jealous and she's scared - probably experiencing all of these emotions and is acting out on them in not-so-passive-aggressive way.   I doubt that she seriously wants to undermine or sabotage you...but the results are the same nonetheless.  You are feeling unsupported in your efforts to get healthy and that's not OK.  

Please have a talk with her, tell her your observations of how things have changed for the worse since your surgery and try to do it without anger or defensiveness.  Then listen to her while she lets you know how she's feeling.  Maybe she doesn't feel like you supported HER when she was working to lose weight and now it's payback time.  Who knows?   But you definitely can and should set some boundaries about the food and voice your concerns about how you shouldn't be having all that crap food in the house for the kids to eat.  You two need to be a united front for them on how to live a healthy, balanced life.  

Good luck!  Let us know how it goes...

I am only a week out so I understand what it you are going through about trying to make sure family dinners and such are as " normal" as possible. One difference is I am the one making dinner. My youngest is 8 and he doesn't know that I had surgery. 

One thing I learned in therapy is you can never assume why anyone is doing anything or assume what anyone is thinking! That type of behavior on "our" part can get us into trouble. We must communicate our feelings no matter how hard it is even if you have to write it in a letter if it is easier. 

I agree, your wife might not realize she is doing it or she might who knows, but you need to at least let her know this time right now is  difficult for you and need her support. 

If dinners right now are a trigger- you might have to step back for a short time. At least maybe until you get on solid ground it could help.  I see nothing wrong with that! This is only a short time, it won't be forever! 

I think if you do have real trigger foods you should ask you wife, to please be respectful and limit it in the house. I know for me, we do have " junk" in our home. My boys and husband do not have issues with food. I'm the one! I have even purchased it,however it's not my triggers! 

However, they all have asked too things like is it easier to go get DQ than bring an entire thing of icecream in the house? Right now food is not bothering me at all, but there might come a time! 

You just need to find your voice with your wife on this one. It's tough because I think for all of  us we learning new ways to cope without our comfort of food! Good luck and I wish you success on your journey! 

Try having a calm talk and let her know that you feel sabotaged by the meals and junk food that is being eaten in front of you.

If there is no improvement, I would suggest finding somewhere else to live for a while and letting her know why.

You have been through surgery and are working on getting healthy.  Her behavior will make it very difficult to be successful if you continue to live there.  It can be hard to stay in a marriage after this surgery.  Divorces are common as one person changes and it can take a big effort on both parts to make the marriage work. This is one time when it is very important to take care of your own needs first.  Like putting on your own oxygen mask on the airplane before helping others. 

I would suggest reading the book, The Emotional First Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery, Second Edition by Cynthia Alexander.  You can get it in the Kindle version.  I buy this a gift for friends that are having weight loss surgery.  It does them a lot more good than flowers.

Best of luck with getting through this.

I know for me I wanted to lose weight more then I wanted to eat anything and since I was never hungry it never bothered me my boyfriend ate his normal meals.  He lost about 60lbs the first year trying to eat healthier to be supportive but in the ensuing 9 years has gained and lost several more times whereas I have remained at goal the whole time.  Sorry to say the world won't change for you, even if they change now it isn't going to last so you need to relearn how to feed yourself without what everyone else is eating concerning you.  Otherwise you are going to spend a lot of time resenting people for just eating normally for them. Sorry my advice is get over it.

I know it's hard.  I agree with the post above, you are going to have to get over it.  Easier said than done.  I am training myself to look at it this way:  Look at off limits food like a Caribbean Cruise or a trip to Disney or Europe...lovingly, wishfully, longingly. But with a, "YEAH, RIGHT!!!  Beautiful food and drinks are ALWAYS gonna be there, some where. Bakeries and grocery stores and Costco and Sam's Club aren't going anywhere.  Not to diverse from your topic, I am just absolutely reminding myself every time my husband grills steaks and hamburgers (a lot) or eats Cheetos or drinks beer,  I am no longer in that world.  I try my level best not to 'guilt' him for what he eats as he is a normal size.  My motto to all that need telling:  You eat what you eat; I eat what I eat. You just keep telling yourself that you are special enough to eat special. Good luck on your journey.