I've fallen. But I can get back up!
(Journal Post)
So. I've been gone. Sorry. At first I was enjoying life, then my dad's health dropped. I moved closer to be near my dad. His Parkinson's and Dementia started winning out, and we had a very bad couple years, my mother and I. We had to put him in a home. That was when I started feeling The Hunger. I had a stressful fulltime job, my dad had fits and ended up getting violent in his first home...I let myself have treats now and then.
Then I needed them to keep going with my fulltime job.
My dad stabilized in a new home that worked well with him, and I felt free to move to Calgary and get some high-paying work. I had a great time, I was "normal" and "skinny." I dated, I even drank a bit. I got rid of all my debt working freelance on my own hours, it was great.
I felt a great need to move back home, and did it with the wrong person. He abused me, I couldn't live under his roof without being yelled at for leaving a breadtag out in the kitchen. I couldn't have pets, I couldn't have friends. I shank into myself and became suicidal.
Then my dad got worse than before.
I started eating dried fruits to try and curb my CONSTANT NEED of snacking.
My dad died September 2012. It was awful. I lived in the hospital for a week, never sleeping so my mom could. I got so bad that I became allergic to myself! My stress levels went so high my face puffed up like I was stung by a bee for 2 days.. Scared I would go into shock, the hospital staff sent me downstairs to Emerge... I ended up on an IV myself a floor below my dying father!
After his funeral, I still couldnt sleep.
I snacked more, I was prescribed antipsychotics. I started binge eating just to get myself to pass out.
I ended up in an altercation with the man I moved back with, and I cut my arm open a month after my dad died. I was so surprised with myself. I had really broken for the first time in my life and done it. I was hysterical as my one true friend drove me to the Emerge. I got 5 stitches and though I was told not to go back, I had to that night. I had to for myself, my strength. I needed to prove to myself I wasn't that flimsy. I slept back in the same house that night, but I moved out within a week.
Since then, I snacked out of control just to sleep and keep from having panic attacks.
I was prescribed more drugs, which made me more hungry. Everything was out of control just treading water to keep myself from being suicidal again.
Well. I started to get better after that. I moved out of the 'emergency housing" my friend had lent me. I moved in with another friend and started regaining control of my life. I started sleeping better without snacking, but he would constantly bring me food because I couldn't afford any. My weight steadily crept up, but I let that go because I needed less guilt in my life just to recover mentally.
Once I started to really get into the groove, I was taking laundry downstairs and I slipped.
I slid down half a basement stairwell on my feet, then landed with both ankles rolled the same way. My right ankle dislocated and broke in three places, including my fibula. I needed an ambulance, and I had surgery the next day.
I now have 12 screws and a foot long plate all around my ankle. This was a year ago in March. I still can't walk right without proper boots on. No braces seem to work yet.
The other month I spoke to an ankle surgeon and instead of giving me options, all he said was I have post-traumatic arthritis, my cartilage is shattered and jabbing into my bones at the joint... all he could do was shave down my bones and fuse my ankle. Well I refuse that! So I bought a new bike :D
I've recently moved with my sweet sweet boyfriend to our own apartment. I'm on Disability.
I'm primed and ready to start over now. I have missed you all!
The snacking is my problem. Because of my pain now, it's all I think about... Trying to control it with sugarfree drinks and coffee. I can't do water :(
I next need to get a hold of a scale. I tested my sister-in-law's out last week and it said I'm exactly 240 lbs again.
I decided not to feel guilty, for one thing I regained but it was over three years! Sometimes I would regain that in months. I'm still blaming myself for the snacking and carb choices I made. But in all, for my psychological standpoint, I'm easy on myself. More guilt means more snacks.
On top of my usual citalopram 60mg and Metformin, I need birth control to help me regulate my hormones. I was prescribed seroquel but only half of the smallest dose. A whole 25mg pill can knock me out for the night and the next day I am so easily exhausted. So to try and balance my lack of energy and no motivation, I was also prescribed 2mg Abilify daily.
Wow, I'm so sorry for everything you have been through in the past few years and on the flip side proud of you for getting out of the bad relationship and taking your life back. It is not easy and so many people stay until they die instead of living again.
You mentioned sugar free drinks to help with snacking. I'm curious if they are sweetened with an artificial sweetener. If so, they generally will make you crave carbs and things with sugar. You might try water infused with fruit, cucumbers or mint. Check the internet, there is tons of recipes.
If you still want to snack, make sure it is protein forward and plan it. I plan and log my food in My Fitness Pal every day and if I eat anything outside of the plan, I log it immediately. Using this app can be a huge eye opener as to how many calories and carbs we eat in a day.
Tracking my food, laying off the alcohol on the weekends and getting my butt back in the gym has helped me lose 10lbs of the 50 I regained. If I can do it, you can too!
I just want you to remember you are not alone, everyone on this site is here to support and help. Just get back on the horse, protein first, complex carbs only, any kind of exercise you can do and stay away from the white carbs and processed foods. Don't forget you are still here after everything you have been through and you will get through this too, YOU CAN DO IT!!!
