Recently Lost a Best Friend Because of My Decision to Get Bariatric Surgery

One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog  AND emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin.  I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of.  I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent.  Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic.  I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend.  I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.      

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make
a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced
eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can'****ch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I
can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

OMG is she for real????She is angry because you are choosing to get surgery that will help you become healthy?  What would she say if you needed a heart bypass? That you are insulting heart patients who choose not to have the surgery and take their chances with death?

This is not a friend.  The word betrayal makes me feel that underneath it all is one word.  Jealousy.  And fear.  Fear that she will be left behind, fear that you won't want to be her friend but definitely not fear for your well being.

She says you can be healthy at any size.  Bull****  I was as healthy as an obese person could be.  When I was younger.  As I got older the issues related to my fat increased.  Bottom line I just felt like **** all the time.  I was tired from carrying around 100 plus pounds.  My body hurt all over.  I felt sick all the time, and bloated.  Even if I never had a real health issue due to my weight I certainly felt horrible physically all the time because of it.  Like she probably does.

WLS is NOT cosmetic surgery or I would sue my surgeon.  I look worse now at 110 then I did at 200 plus.  But I feel better then I have in years.  Since I was much younger.  I no longer wake up in pain.  My appearance has changed because I am 56 and my face looks gaunt and drawn and I don't like it but I would rather feel the way I do now then look the way I did when I was younger and more attractive.  Believe me, the men are not lining up at my door because of my "cosmetic" surgery.  But my car isn't going to the doctors office several times a month, either, so I guess it's a fair trade.

I am glad your friend is accepting her body at whatever size it is but there is a big difference between accepting your body and hating someone else's because they aren't fat.  We don't all have to become fat so she feels good about her size.  If she is happy with her size and her health then good for her but for her to get so angry because someone chooses to do something speaks a lot about her.  I wonder if she would feel the same way if you lost weight without WLS?  Would she still feel like you were a traitor?  Are you not allowed to eat healthy in her eyes or does that make you a deserter to the movement as well?

I hope this person gets the help she so obviously needs.  I'll bet that secretly she wishes she had the means to have WLS herself and would probably jump at the opportunity.  There are a lot of us here who felt strongly about fat acceptance and still do.  But that doesn't mean we have to be fat in order to feel that way.  And no, I don't think every obese person needs to get WLS.  There are a lot of people who are truly comfortable in their skin but those people don't begrudge those who wish to make a healthy change.  She isn't one of them.

Oh wow! I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this. The only thing that she stated in her so-called reasons which was legitimate is that the surgery does not change who you are. That being said, it will change how you live your life. It sounds like you have many co-morbidities which you are struggling with. If she cannot understand that this is a 'tool' to help you regain control of your life then so be it. My hope for you is that eventually she will come around and realize that what she said was hurtful and spiteful to you. Words are the worst weapon in the world.

There are people out there who will always think of WLS as 'cosmetic' and 'vanity' induced. I think that those people truly don't understand the disease. I certainly wouldn't have opted for my guts to be rearranged if I didn't feel it was my only hope at a helping hand.

Best of luck to you on your journey. Hopefully your friend will come around very soon. In the meantime, this site is a godsend. Hugs!!!

First of all congratulations for making the decision to make your health a priority.  Everyone here knows that the decision to have WLS is not an easy one and many have struggled with the loss of friends/SO's because of that decision. 

Your friend is incredibly self absorbed.  In her statement, her first concern is how this all affects HER.  The betrayal, the hurt....how in the world does your decision about your body have anything to do with her.  I guess I wonder if she is over weight or thin.  If she is overweight, this reeks of jealousy, if she is thin, then she has no idea what you are going through and is not really qualified to give an opinion as rigid and, if I am being honest, offensive as this.  

There is so much more to say but I will just end with this.  I appreciate that you are doing this for your health, but do not allow your insensitive, uneducated "friend" to make you believe that it is not ok to want to look better.  It is ok to want to look better.  No, this is not cosmetic surgery, but looking better sure is a nice "side effect" of being healthier.  Maybe that is the side effect she is the most concerned about...

Sharon,  3 years ago I let go of a 17 year relationship because although I justified it for all those years with many excuses, the truth was he was toxic to me and I just wasn't accepting it because I thought I needed him in my life. There was an emotional closeness that we were both hanging on to.  But, after one last issue, I walked away and stayed away.  Because he really was bad for me.

But your "friend" you speak of, sounds narcissistic, selfish and I believe is trying to justify her own issue instead of put you down for making your own choices for your own life. 

She isn't about you, it's all about her!  Please believe me when I say, I really can commiserate with your own feelings of loss and betrayal by this person.  But your friend, she is not.

Go back and re-read her post and truly digest all of it.  You need true friends who can accept you for ANY decision you make, about anything.  They can disagree with you and even argue with you.  But walking away from you with the so called reasons above....it's all about her.

Dear Sharon, Wow...just wow! This person has serious issues, first and foremost is that everything is about her. That's what popped out at me first. Uneducated blog post that screams ignorance.

Thank you 56sunShine14, excellent post. You relate a story of what I have actually gone through in the last several months with my so-called "friend". I finally let go of the 40 year, on and off again, friendship and ended contact for good. I finally got wise when I was taking a psychology class and came across a personality disorder called sociopath which my "friend" has more in common with than not.

So add me as another to commiserate with you and 56sun... on the pseudo friend issue. There is no way I would choose to have to go through this surgery. I wanted to live a life instead of watching it go by... well, we know what the real deal is. Hang in there and I wish you the best and the best of health for your journey!!!!

Ignore Caprain Underpants. She's not your friend, she's a fool. Tell her to go visit long-term diabetics and see what their quality of life is like.

You can't be healthy at any weight. That is just ludicrous. Morbidly obese, I was a time bomb. I am so much better off after surgery, and it has absolutely nothing to do with appearance.

I wouldn't want a person like that in my life.  Congratulations on your loss--you will be much better without her.  

You didn't lose a friend.  You lost a few hundred pounds of excess baggage that was going to do nothing but weigh you down.  Her blog post was self-centered and screaming jealousy.

She is definitely NOT your friend. Her ramblings made me angry so I can only assume how upset that made you. How does your decision to get healthy affect her in any way? You are not making her have surgery, too. If she chooses to feel badly about herself because she will be the "fat" one, that is her problem not yours. 

I have a real problem with the "fat acceptance" zealots. Being morbidly obese is NOT healthy. If someone chooses to lose weight, they should not be SHAMED by the FA mob. That mindset is CRAZY!! 

Take care of YOU!! you have done your research and know what you need to do for your health. Now get out there and make some real friends.