How to talk to Adult Kids about weight loss in a positive way

God, I need help.. Both my adult kids are obese, son is 6'2 260 lbs. age 37  daughter is 5'4 230 lbs......., every time i bring up to my daughter about  losing weight, She sez she will never have weight loss surgery because she see's my life after weight loss surgery, espically after learning you can still have heart attacks after wls, The heart attack i had in Dec. 2013 was from too much calcium built up in the arteries..she sez I will just eat more everytime you bring it up for me to lose weight.. What kind of attitude is that??? anyway, its not a issue of bad parenting through the years.. , we have always been very close through the years, I have never abused her. She won't go see a counsler for this issue.. she cared enough about herself to stop smoking and is very successful at that. but has a very bad attitiude about losing weight..she saw me through my heart attacks and even helped me with my after care.. I don't want to see my kids having heart attacks , it is  hereditary.

 

It's hard for me to see her the way she is. I love her very much. I remember when i was around my mother how she would keep after me when i was obese, she even offered to exercise with me to lose weight..I never did that either..anyway she has passed away long time ago...my daughter is in her own life that we could never exercise together..so  i am asking from you here , what would you say to your adult daughter, make her see how important it is to lose weight. and not lose the bond we still have..?? I'm all she has for a parent right now, her dad has abanded her for 3 years now. I am not sure if thats the reason for this attitude....thanks for your time and input, ...

 

Wendy

There is absolutely nothing YOU can do, it is totally her choice and decision. All talking to her about is going to do is make it worse. My daughter is also overweight and I don't even bring the subject up, it is not my life or decision to make. The same goes for counseling, when and if she ever gets ready that is her choice and her life. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. The same goes with kids, forcing the issues will only make her resentful and destroy your relationship.

I would say "I love you and I want you to be healthy and happy.  If you decide you want to lose weight, I will support you in doing that.  If you aren't ready to do that now, I will still love you and support you and I will not badger you about needing to lose weight anymore."

You said she's your "adult" daughter. That means she makes her own decisions-good or bad. You can't make them for her. Let her live her life knowing the options available to her.

For some the more you push the more they push back. Leave it alone. Teach by example and let her make her own path. Sometimes after wls we can't believe everybody doesn't

want to do it too. It's hard to be humble when you feel so good and know you're going to be healthier. Step back and be her friend. Don't mention it again and see how she does.

Jen 12 yrs post op RNY

Cmon, you've got to remember how it felt when your friends/family lectured and judged you on your weight, don't you?  You're doing this out of love, of course, but all she hears is that she's not good enough.  That's all I heard, anyway, when it was said to me in the most sensitive and loving way.  This is something she has to figure out herself.  She knows that you've seen success, and of course, there is no repair for the heart with wls.  It was a nice wish, but reality hit you all pretty hard.  When she's ready to address wls, or any method to lose weight,  you're full of information for her, but she's gotta want it herself.  She's not there yet, so my suggestion is to back off and not say another thing about it until she brings it up.

You can't!  My parents both died long before I got obese so I can't comment on mothers raising this with daughters and my own adult children are all slim - probably partly because they saw my long fight with weight. But I do know that when I was obese, if any family member had told me "out of love" that I needed to lose weight, it might have annoyed me or upset me. But it wouldn't have changed anything about me. 

But I can see how it must worry you! And make you feel helpless.

I DO have a MO adult son. I do not mention his weight to him. He has put on about 100 lbs in the last two years, and it breaks my heart. He had lost 70 lbs starting in 2010, and kept it off until he moved in with his father to be closer to his school. I'm sure he's aware of his weight gain, and I hope he will realize he needs to stop eating crap and start exercising. 

Your daughter is an adult.  She is responsible for her own life and makes her own choices. 

I am sure your feelings toward her weight is coming from a place of love and concern, but she has to be ready to make the decision to lose weight. 

Any input from you regarding her weight could do more harm than good; I know it did with me. When my father would bring up my weight problems, I would eat for comfort, and to numb the hurt I felt because I was not good enough. 

I like the" do by example" idea thanks. I will do that every time i am near her.sometimes it just takes hearing from another person what to do in the best way..btw my daughter is 29 yrs old. when i was obese I was  told I had a pretty face if "only I'd Lose some weight" I didn't really feel hurt by that statement was actually flattered they said i was pretty... , now I hear from family how nice i look....

 

 well maybe its just the tone of voice i talk to her about the weight loss....I know i argue with my boyfriend just from the tone of his voice about some things...thanks a bunch  Wendy

Let me put this gently...back off. I know you're concerned but her weight and efforts to lose weight, or not, are none of your business. Her body, het decisions. I was the same size as your DD. My mom, who is obese herself, continually prodded me about my weight. Except she was passive aggressive about it. She couched het judgement in supposed concern for me, saying things like " what does your Dr say about your middle?". or sometimes she was just blunt "you really need to lose some weight." Yeah. Thanks for killing my self esteem again. You just need to keep your judgement to yourself. I promise you, that's exactly how your kids hear it. You are not helping them lose weight. You are are telling them "you're not good enough." That's how they hear your words. It's hurtful. What you can do is take care of yourself. They may at some point decide on their own to lose some weight. Or maybe they won't. Their business either way. Bite your tongue and say nothing. ETA: I had WLS 12/31/13. I have no intention of telling my mother. She will reap the results of her judgement. I will not give her the satisfaction of telling her ANYTHING.

After forcing me to attend weigh****chers as a teenager, and the eventual failure I had with losing weight, my mother never badgered me again about weight loss.  I think maybe it is because she felt some level of guilt for my poor diet.  Sometimes when she came to pick me up from WW meetings, she would be in the car with my siblings eating Little Debbies.  I know she did the best she could, but she is very overweight herself, so healthy food wasn't a popular option in our household. 

I'm 32 years old now.  This past year, my mom drove me to the ER because I was in severe pain due to a kidney stone.  I was in a state of sheer agony, nearly screaming because I hurt so badly.  The nurse in triage asked my weight instead of having me get on the scale.  When I said "400 pounds," the look on my mother's face is one I will never forget.  Even in the midst of the situation I was in, I felt the deepest, burning shame of my entire life.  Since this time, my mother has been badgering me about my weight again.  I feel like she is ruminating on it, now that she has heard my "number."  It's putting a strain on our relationship, because I feel like I'm being judged now when I am around her, whereas before, I was always close to my mom. 

I can tell you that there are absolutely no "right words" my mom could use to encourage me to lose weight.  I already know that I am fat.  I know the health risks.  There is absolutely nothing new she can tell me about obesity.  I just want my mom to be my mom and love me in whatever shape and size I come in.  Let the doctors be my source of medical advice.  Let the critics tell me everything that's wrong with me.  I just want my mom to be mom.