On the lighter side..... OH admits to use of performance enhancing code....

For Immediate Release

[On the lighter side of things…..]

ObesityHelp.com Admits to use of Performance Enhancing Coding

In a surprising announcement today, a spokesperson for the ObesityHelp.com web site admitted that the web site had been using performance-enhancing code nearly continuously for most of the past decade. This admission comes after years of speculation amongst industry insiders as the site repeatedly maintained #1 status as the most popular weight loss surgery web site.

Performance Enhancing Code

Amid long standing and mounting pressure by the Internet Commission for Lentitude Longevity (ICLL),  ObesityHelp.com admitted during an internal monologue yesterday to having used exogenous programming operations, commonly known in the industry as EPO. EPO is a type of engagement stimulating agent, or ESA, banned by the ICLL as providing unfair advantages to web sites attempting to engage visitors by presenting them with pages that actually load.

According to an official hypothesis, the misdoing involved coming in from the outside (i.e., exogenously) and making changes to native banner loading code. The original code involved two competing endless loops created by the founder of ObesityHelp.com which kept running in opposition against one another until either one timed out, thereby allowing the page to load, but not before issuing a flush() command either 3,142 or 17 times, depending on the day of week, in an attempt to close the page.  This method was naturally hard coded into every page of the site in parallel with appearing in multiple redundant included header files which, after years of code re-purposing, had managed to mutate according to natural selection.

This was replaced with a single line of “object oriented” code, raising the ire of not only he ICLL but also a range of groups opposed to the objectification of women, furniture, and any number of other things in addition to code orientation.

When asked to comment on the breach of a level playing field, one source within the company commented, “You mean we were supposed to be playing?”

Financial non-Contributors Taking Notice

Pete Peters from Good Things for Very Large People, Inc., a major advertiser in bariatric space, stated: “Over the past 10 years, we’ve always thought about financially sponsoring ObesityHelp. In fact, we almost answered their phone call by mistake once. With time being money, in light of recent developments, we’re looking into legal options open to us for them to return to us the money we should have been sponsoring them with all these years.”

DieWeak.org Implicated

Die Weak, an outreach theme aimed at identifying and helping individuals for whom life may have grown hopeless on the heals of disabling health issues has also been implicated in the development.  Executive director Kevin Delany indicated: “As part of our mission to combat the situation of people believing that dying weak was all that life had to offer them, we have partnered strongly with ObesityHelp.com over the years, in appreciation for the example it has set in providing a supportive community targeting obesity as a leading cause of people not experiencing life to the fullest. While we were appreciative of the fact that pages on that web site had a tendency to load, we not aware at any time of the use of performance enhancing code. We are currently considering all of our options.

Full Impact of Admission

The full impact on the reputation of ObesityHelp.com has yet to be seen. Industry insiders suggest that it was most probably the case that ObesityHelp.com was no different from any swath of other web communities who found it necessary to replace decade-old code in order to remain competitive, but also that, at the same time, a line needs to be drawn somewhere.

Public Input Welcome

If you or anyone you know, or knew, or considered thinking about knowing, suspects that any features on the OH web site might be using performance-enhancing code, your input is welcome. In particular, please suggest which page is suspected of having performance enhancing code, along with mention of reason or reasons for such suspicion.