More Revelations

I heard a comparison made about some parents "LOVE" today that hit me in the pit of my soul. It's as if your parents are holding a pillow over your face,smothering you with their so called "love" and just when you are about to parish they pull the pillow away and tell you, " I love you I love you I love you so very much", just long enough for you to gain a breath, and begin to smother you again. As I write this I am overwhelmed by that. I will forever bare the scars of my parents, not physically but emotionally. I do understand to some degree they did the best with what they knew. Knowing they also had dysfunctional parents. I have an understanding of that because I too have made mistakes as a mother. Trying my very best to be nothing like my own parents, but in some ways simulating the very same behavior, just with a different package...but ultimately the same result. It's hard to teach your children self love when you loathe your very existence. I used to think loving my daughter would be enough for her to know how to love herself. I was highly mistaken. She saw my self hate and learned from that how to look in the mirror and see all that was wrong with her just as I have my whole life. I can hear as if it were being said to my face right now, I love you BUT...this needs to change and that needs to change. Always knowing I wasn't good enough just as myself. Any reaction was always my fault so I took that in turn and made myself pay, day after day...mouth full after mouth full. NEVER feeling as if I deserved better than to be miserable. I made myself look on  the outside as I felt on the inside.I began to pull my daughter into my world and show her how to be ME. The very thing I hated MOST! On this journey I have been faced with my ugly truths. And while I own my behaviors I no longer own the weight of my parents pain. As a child I had no choice, but as I heal and become a healthy adult, I have a choice. My choice is to love myself enough to know I deserve to have peace. To love and be loved without conditions. To never again be held hostage by the past and dysfunction of my family. I choose to teach my daughter how to stand tall and proud, not from my words but from my actions. I will no longer smother her with unhealthy "LOVE" as I was, as my parents were and their parents were. I am braking that cycle by first acknowledging  it's existence and second by choosing another path. As my weight physically sheds, my emotional weight does as well. One day at a time I am learning to love ME.

That is a great post. I hope your daughter can learn from your obvious hard work. I too came from a dysfunctional family. I worked very hard to make my kids feel secure. I wish you well in your continued journey

amen and you will get there...

I totally understand trying to break the cycle, I think that is what upsets me most about MO parents letting their kids get MO.  It was one thing I would never make my son endure, its a miserable existence to be a fat kid and go on to being a fat adult.  I cannot control everyone, but I did control my son and now I control my puppies eating.  I obsess over my dogs eating too much and getting fat, fat miserable pets are sad too.  I refuse to allow food to be used as treats outside of carrots ocassionally.  Food should never be the reward system for anything.