I Need Words of Encouragement And Compassion

for the last 2 weeks while in and out of the E R I have been going down hill everyday non stop with my emotions..Been very down and out. Like no hope in life..Health Issues are popping up like never before now 5 yrs P O making me scared ****less what else is wrong with me that i don't know about. Seems i am at the E R every 2 weeks for something that hurts..Arteries clogged in my kidneys, tumor in my thyroid, have a hard time swallowing food, when i eat i swallow then half way i litterally bring the food back up beacuse it gets stuck then i re swallow it, been doing that so long that its a natural thing for me now.. the doctor at the E R told me i shouldnt be having this problem at my young age, only people in their 70' 80's have that problem . I will have the balloon procedure to help clear that soon. kness about ready to give out very painful to the touch,  i've been told nothing to worry about but i now have calcium buildup in my left hand. I was dehydrated so bad from the 105 temps riding horse out in it. i passed out.heart pounding out of control with my blood pressure and my left arms burning from the out of control high blood pressure. My blocked arteries are causing my blood pressure meds to have adverse reactions. now some days are ok and some days i have burning/ numbness in my arm
depression is there for sure and i just had a visit with my therapist, she isnt much help just like I told the doctor in the E R that was treating me I dont like my PCP doctor . never getting any answers ...I try to call friends and family but everyone seems to be too busy right now when i need someone to talk to , to get my head cleared from these worrries and stresses. dont worry i wont do anything to harm myself..
I am trying everything I can to bring myself up in positive ways. Doing little things that i have learned through the years from therapy..examples are :

When feeling down ~~~~

Soak in a hot bath/ head under water a few times
Stare into my aquarium with fish swimming around fantasizing myself living underwater stress free(strange thought i know but it works for me)
Go for a walk or some sport (including riding horse) play volleyball when in no pain
Take a nap
Read a book
Clean house
Volunteer at Food Bank once a week
Watch Television



 I'm sure there is more that i left out that can be done, I'm brain dead right now.I dont have enough positive around me.I have  to be the strong one. I am not strong anymore..other half has very little compassion. I went shopping yesterday thinking that would help , 99 cent sales going on.even bought  a new bikini ..after looking at these bat wings i started crying.  None of those things are helping me right now.I lay on my sofa and cry cry cry. ..I'm eating constantly I've gained 3 lbs.in the last 2 weeks.Still dont eat fast foods ,only subway ..Eat foods at home MOSTLY HEALTHY STUFF.. Here's what wls has done to me. I'll be telling the world about this . When I terminated 2 pregnancies thinking that would solve that problem, well it didnt , it only created different ones, it still haunts me to this day what i did to myself back when i was 23 and 33 and no therapist can help with that trust me..I've tried..well Wls is like that in the same sense, It helped me lose weight then only created different ones now. the bat wings age huge UGLY reminders what i did to myself. I'm just rambling . I could go on and on but wont unless asked to..
Any word of Encouragement would be helpful today.. hope you dont think any less of me thru my struggles.I also started reading about the Alanta GA. event  maybe come other half said yes he would take me and use his vacation time. would that perk me up ?  health permitting? thanks Peace\/ Wendy

My sister in law had many issues, was slow to go to the doctor, and her pcp told her she just had bp issues.  We moved her from  AZ to CA several years ago.  That was about 3 years before she was diagnosed with stage 4 Cervical Cancer.  She died a few monthe before my RNY surgery in 2006. I had been telling her to have her doc admit her to the hospital to run a series of tests, instead of doing one test every 3 or 4 weeks.  She might be here had she been more vocal with her doc. If you have issues with your PCP, I'd try to get another from your insurance company. Your medical record should indicate you have one or more undiagnosed issues that my be the root cause of other issues you've had lately.  Depression sucks--I've been there before. I remember before I was diagnosed--I could be watching a comedy on TV by myself, laughing, with tears coming down my face. Couldn't figure out why the tears when asked either.  You might benefit from the OH event. I know I enjoyed the one in Costa Mesa, CA some years ago. DAVE

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  I agree with Dave, you need a new PCP who will listen to you and try to determine what's causing your medical problems.

Re the depression, boy can I relate.  It totally sucks to be so down and not know why.  Or even if you do know why, not be able to elevate your mood.  Sounds like your counselor isn't working with you very much.  Are you taking an antidepressant?  There are many that are very effective - sometimes you have to try more than one or have the dose adjusted but once you find the right med, it will make all the difference.  Crying, eating, self blame....all signs of depression.  Try to get to a PCP and/or a psychiatrist who can prescribe an antidepressant as soon as possible.

And remember, even if family/friends seem to be busy, you can always come here for support.  So many of us have dealt with depression and other emotional issues - you are not alone.

I hope you will be feeling better soon.  First step - find a doc that will listen to you.
Kathy

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I know how it feels to have a PCP who doesn't really listen. I had rheumatoid arthritis for years before my doctor would acknowlege it and suffered with tons of pain. It finally took finding another doctor to get the treatment I really needed. Maybe that is a place to start. Try to find a new doctor on your insurance plan that will actually listen and be totally honest with them about how you feel. Bless you for working in the food pantry-I am in charge of the one in my town and it is a great way to feel useful and spend your time! If I were you I would take hubby up on the trip to Atlanta. That sounds like so much fun and I am sure you would enjoy it. Hang in there and come here when you need some support. Remember that we can't really change the past we can only choose the best way to live for now.  

wow, when it rains it pours.
Try your best to stay positive and keep doing nice things for yourself.
I know when I lost all my weight the first time around i got some spanks. I also got a very tight exercise bike shirt that pulled all the bat wings in :)
 Depression sucks, been there done that.... and still batteling.
Good luck, don't give up.

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles.  But you know what?  You are well on your way to feeling better by seeking out positive support here!  When you are down and depressed it's really hard to get perspective and it sounds to me like you are pretty self-aware, probably more so than you are giving yourself credit for.  From what I gather from your post, you know that you need a new Dr. and a new therapist or at least hold them accountable for how they treat you or make you feel.   But what's more important is to muster up the courage and determination to do something about  it!  Stop beating yourself up about your bat wings and things that you can't change.  Life is so very short and our scars whether they be physical or emotional are signs of our resilience and part of who we are.   NO ONE IS PERFECT! You can either see them as a horrible thing or a reminder of a great success in your life- like a battle scar.  You are NOT alone in your struggles.  Sometimes when we are sick, we are really hard on our loved ones and we misinterpret things or take things very personally.  If you feel up to it, do something special for one of your friends to remind them that you still exist without talking too much about your issues- remember friendship is a two way street.  I found that journaling my feelings was a great way to stay sain without putting it on my husband's shoulders all the time.  It's also something that you can take to your therapist to let them know what your triggers were between visits. 

Hope you feel better soon and that things start looking up!  Take care :)

 

I consider myself an extreme worrier from all the near deaths i have had when i had my open heart surgery and respitory failure back in 2004..Well I just need to stop worrying..Its no fun waking up with a breathing tube down your throat and your hands tied to a hosp bed..I have central sleep apnea which makes it very hard for me to think most of the time,I'm always brain dead so to speak.. I am a slow person because of it... thanks

I am so sorry you are having a tough time. I inow about depression/anxiety and when in the midst of it not much seems bright. Everything is only for a time. I will pray for your peace of mind and a healthy body. Please remeber "worrying about tomorrow steals your happiness today".

Try to smile every time you pass a mirror or have a negative thought.

Try this book, "You can Heal Yourself" by Elizabeth Hay.
It is a great book. It literally dragged me out of my last major bout of depression several years ago.

Sending positive vibes your way.

Nicole

Wendy, is it possible you have post traumatic stress disorder?  Maybe a support group could help.  I hope things get better for you!

yes i had post tramatic stress after the open heart surgery. did 18 months of therapy for that..it helped some at the time, that was back in 2004.