I Wish I Never Had Wls

Thanks for the book title. I'm going to get it & try to find the workbook, too. My father was my abuser.

My mother was complicit in the abuse. I always wondered why she prayed so much. LOL! Actually, my husband said that. He said, "Don't you know that's why she goes to Mass all the time & prays all the time?" Oh yeah, but she can't apologize to me, or even just be "there" for me. It's always been me wanting her approval. No more. I've cut off communication with her. It's been almost a year. I feel like a burden's been lifted from me. I don't see any of my extended family. It's just too painful.

So I am progressing. I figure it this way: The first few decades of my life I gave to everyone else. The next few decades I give to ME. I don't want what happened to me to define me as a person. I believe very much that the past has no bearing on who we are today unless we choose to let it. But I must learn how to have close personal relationships without repeating the patterns I learned from my childhood.

My rebirth started when I started my WLS journey. xo GG 

For several years, I had no contact at all with my mother.  I do have contact with her now, but I limit the contact and am careful to set clear boundaries.

For me personally, I think my past absolutely has a bearing on who I am today.  My past does not define me and it doesn't control my present, or at least it doesn't have to unless I choose to let it.  But it certainly affected me and had an influence on the person I am today.  How could it not?  People begin learning and developing the day they are born.  How could everything I lived through for 16 years (when I finally left home) have no bearing on who I am today?

I'm not telling you that your past has a bearing on who you are today.  I'm just saying, for me, it absolutely does.

And I cannot separate who I am today from all the things in my past.  Would I be different today if I hadn't had those experiences as a child?  Probably, in some ways.  But I don't know how to untangle it all.  I can't say which things exactly would be different.  And I certainly don't think that everything about me today was created by the abuse I experienced as a child.  But that was part of what shaped me.

I agree with you Gerta. No offense to you Chris, but you did say something like "blaming it on yet another man." That gives one the impression that you are talking about relationships she's had with numerous men. Also, everyone on OH needs to remember there are different levels of sophistication when it comes to handling one's feelings or dealing with past hurts. We get into all the psychiatrist jargon, & not all of us have a working knowledge of what all those terms mean. Sometimes all a person needs is for another to reach out their hand to comfort us. On OH, the way we do that is to share our common experiences & to try not to be judgmental. No reason to accuse someone of being dysfunctional or enabling or codependent. We all have some experience that is common: staying in a not-so-great relationship because one day bleeds into the next (or out of fear); giving our love & not getting love in return; etc. I'm not familiar with LAA, but I am 25+ years sober & in AA, which is a 12-step program. Wendy, 12-step programs have a proven record of success. You might see if you can find an Overeaters Anonymous meeting near where you live. God bless you, & please know that, although your OH friends can't understand 100% what you're going through, we wish you only the best, & you're in our prayers & good thoughts. One day at a time! xo GG

Thank you very much for understanding my intent and your support.  I truly offered the OP some really loving advice.  Those are amazing groups and it is tough love. 

Wendy, have you dealt with the past sexual abuse at all?  The fact that you had to deal with physical abuse as well as sexual abuse might have changed you as a person. I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that it CAN get better. I used to feel so hopeless and angry. I'd quit counseling when it got hard. I finally decided that I needed to KEEP going, no matter what. And it was rough... it stunk... it hurt... but there is an "other side."  When an 11 year old girl is molested by someone in a position of trust and power, there is an enormous sense of betrayal and hurt. That never goes away, but you can learn to get through it and not let it overwhelm all aspects of your life.

I can feel the hurt you're expressing and I want you to know that I'm sincerely sorry that you're feeling this way. I wish very much that I could do something more to help you, but know that you're most definitely not alone. We all have times when life feels like a screaming ride downhill ... but you have to hang in there and keep trying. Life isn't static... it changes constantly. There's help that can make you feel better about the future.

You are NOT the reason your fiance' has anger issues. We are all responsible for our own responses... and it sounds very much like you are bearing the brunt where you shouldn't be.

Take care and I hope you realize that you're a worthwhile, valuable person. I'm sure you probably don't realize your worth... because I know that a lot of us don't.

~Nicci

I'm really sorry you're in so much pain.  I've been there before, more than once.  It's a terrible, dark, lonely place to be.

Do you wanna talk a little?  I'll PM you my number if you want to talk.

 

your not understanding me ..
 
this  reflects back way back before i even had wls. I use to walk 3 miles  3X a week and play volleyball  at 300 lbs.4 hours a week  for over 6 years..before wls, so i wasnt lazy then, i just ate the wrong kinds of foods that clogged my arteries,that made me 327 lbs at my highest. now after having 9 heart surgeries i cannot be a fast paced person, my fiance condemns me for being lazy..even though i was at the farm doing  many chores there with him, just to spend time with him. riding horses. I  just helped him paint a horse trailer from scratch last week and he still calls me lazy..because i wasnt moving as fast as he was.i hated being at the farm and still do, so i am just as much active now as i was before wls, i was fairly 'happly ' then.. seems people are happy eating greesy foods..anyway I said i was FAIRLY HAPPY..I have dug myself unhappy just to be with someone...all this has nothing to do with my past sexual abuse, i have been seeing a therapist it has been brought up..
 the wls added more stress to my life, always worrying here and always worrying to try and make him happy..I have never really had any professional support from others on my weight loss journey, I had my wls 50 miles from home , they have a support group there but not here, i never had a chance to go to a heart patient support group either after my open heart surgery, thats what i think i really need support in the most, there is none here my cardiologist has told me..can you believe that, !!!!  Sucks !! really sucks!! dug myself into so much stress with virtually no support... hugs anyway Peace \/  ......Wendy

Wendy, those groups I told you about, and many others, offer telephone support group meetings.  But I wouldn't be surprised if there was a meeting within an hour or so from your home. 

You were complaining about the abuse you are receiving from your fiance' yet you still refer to him as your fiance'.  He is who he is and he will not change unless he expresses a desire and commitment to change.  It doesn't sound like he has done this.  Please check out LAA and SLAA.  Here is a short online quiz to screen for love addiction:  http://loveaddicts.org/40questions.html

My point about this not being about the men in your life does NOT mean the men in your life are good men.  The question is why YOU chose them and then choose to stay with them, hence the need for LAA or SLAA.  If you gave this some really thoughtful, and probably painful consideration, you would realize that he is the end of a long list of men that have let you down, or abused you.  If so, this is not because you have bad luck, it is because you subconsciously reenact trauma from your childhood.  People gravitate to what is familiar even if the familiar is ABUSE.  This is about what people feel they subconsciously deserve.  If you didn't feel this way, you wouldn't tolerate his behavior nor would you have dated him in the first place.  Many people in LAA and SLAA refer to this as having a "broken picker."  They acknowledge that they cannot pick healthy relationships because of such things as childhood trauma from addiction, abuse, etc..people.  It is not a matter of poor luck.  It is about you choosing them. 

I am sure you can find ANY meeting you want in a telephone version.  While telephone meetings aren't ideal, they still offer a huge benefit. 

I apologize for being hard on you.  However, if you are honest with yourself, you'll admit this is not a recent phenomenon.  And, I want YOU, yes YOU to find peace and happiness and you can only find that in yourself and not through other people. 

I could have offered you a shoulder to cry on and you may have felt better for a few days, but you WILL crash again until the root issues are addressed.  I want you to have LASTING peace and happiness!  True growth through difficult times is frightening and difficult.  That is why many choose to remain in abuse instead of facing the real issue.

Best,

I  never said i was 'blaming men' at all.. i just brought up that this was reminding me of my childhood.. gggeeezz