I am drinking, WTH? Transfer Addiction? This needs to stop now!

Hi All

I am about 4 1/2 years out.  At 23 I had some issues with pot and stopped all substances until this summer when I started socially drinking again.  I need to stop.  I am just getting over the food thing and I don't need another problem on top of it.  Here is my story in brief.   Feedback is appreciated.

In college, I was a very heavy pot smoker. I was daily from about 18-22. I did drink as well, but it was never a daily or even sometimes a weekly thing. Sometimes I drank way too much and sometimes just one or two. I had very bad depressive episodes followed by periods of a great mood and a ton of energy. I graduated in 1989 and came home to work. I finally was dxd with bipolar disorder and my whole situation made sense. I stopped all substances in 1990. 

I started drinking socially again in June. Twice a month, never more than three drinks. While I do not feel alcoholic, I feel that this is becoming a probem for me because I notice that I am picking my "day" when life is stressful. I know enough to know that stress related drinking is not healthy. I also notice that I really enjoy and look forward to my few drinks.

Yesterday, something really humiliating happened. My husband had the kids and I had my "day". It was snowing. I spaced my drinks way out and felt fine, but the bartender and manager asked me to sit and have coffee and free dessert for an hour before I drove. They were very nice about it and I just called my friend and had her run me home. I thanked them for watching out for me and it was no biggie. I was totally sober 45 minutes later. But WTH? I clearly had too much and that scares the hell out of me. I don't feel like an alcoholic but I think that I could be on the verge of using the alcohol in an abusive way and I do not want to go there. Smoking pot never even enters my mind, but I do like my three rum and cokes twice a month. I think that this needs to stop for at least several months at this point because I do not want to a) make my mental illness worse or b) get pulled over or otherwise cause problems for myself.

I need to admit that my social drinking experiment must end. To me drinking to medicate stress is a really bad idea. I need to find other ways to cope. But in my heart of hearts, do I believe I am alcoholic? No I do not. But I think what happened yesterday was substance abuse and that scares me a lot.

I need to start putting this out there because this pattern needs to stop.

Thanks for listening.

Well, you've taken a HUGE step just by admitting this problem.

I've heard if you feel you have to control something, perhaps it is out of control.

(public disclaimer: I drink 1 to 1 and 1/2 glasses of wine every few months when we go out to a nice dinner. The event is usually planned, but not around the drinking).

Did you go with a 12 step program to stop your substance abuse prior? You don't have to be an alcoholic to benefit from the wisdom of the steps, believe me.

Anywho, I'm sure you'll get more feedback from lots of folks soon; take what you like and leave the rest, but it sounds to me like you are on the right track.

Take Care in your journey =)


edited for atrocious spelling!

Hi

thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post.  Yes, I did do some time in AA and I liked it in a lot of ways.  But in some ways, it was not too good.  A lot of the guys were very predatory and that creeped me out.  Also, a lot of people stopped drinking, but still acted horribly.  It just wasn't right for me.  I really like church.  That has helped me the most through the years.  I just e mailed my pastor, and we are going to get together and talk about this during the week.

Also, I just talked to a good friend and she is going to meet me at the gym on Mondays during my "****tail time".  I have a training every Monday and I get out early, so I having been having my bi weekly ****tails at 2pm.  My husband gets home with the kids at 5, I am totally sober and go on with the evening.  We have arranged for me to call her when I leave training and meet her at the gym instead of going to the tavern.  I think that this is a much better way to cope with stress, which is really why I started drinking.  Life has been great since surgery but also very stressful and sometimes I think I never found enough healthy substitutes for the food, so I went to another quick fix.

I just called my daughters horseback riding teacher and asked if I could take a lesson while she is taking one.  They have an adult class going in another ring at the same time and I am going to go this week.  I think that this will also be a fun, healthy de stressor, as I love horses.

I just feel so ashamed for even walking to my car when I was not ok to drive. I called the manager later and told him I got home ok and that he was a good friend for flagging me.  He said that he just knew me well and I did not look like I usually did when I left.  He also said he wished all the people he flagged were as gracious as I was, so I guess I wasn't too wasted.  I had no problem hanging out and didn't even try to drive.  I just feel like such a fool and never, ever want this to happen again.

Sounds like you are taking some very effective steps to nip this in the bud.  I too have found peace through the Lord many times, but also have had struggles where I needed to build upon that foundation.

Best of luck to you as you work through your stressors.  And good on you for recognizing your own issues so clearly.  It doesn't always work out that way =)

I agree that you're in a transfer addiction "danger zone."

I think what concerns me the most is that you're using your "alone day" to sit at a bar and drink, instead of doing something productive, fun or restorative.  Sitting at a bar all day drinking rum and coke doesn't really sound like a great way to spend time.

Maybe you should look for something else to look forward to.  I've found yoga classes are my "thing."  I love the more strenuous classes for exercise, and I love my gentle and restorative class for the mental healing and balancing that it provides me.

It sounds like you are a little bit lost and don't really know what to do with yourself, so you fill your time and emptiness with substances -- pot, food, alcohol. 

Maybe you need some counseling to investigate that empty place inside you that needs constant filling, and the feelings you have that need constant numbing with substances.

On January 22, 2012 at 11:22 AM Pacific Time, MyOwnSunshine wrote: I agree that you're in a transfer addiction "danger zone."

I think what concerns me the most is that you're using your "alone day" to sit at a bar and drink, instead of doing something productive, fun or restorative.  Sitting at a bar all day drinking rum and coke doesn't really sound like a great way to spend time.

Maybe you should look for something else to look forward to.  I've found yoga classes are my "thing."  I love the more strenuous classes for exercise, and I love my gentle and restorative class for the mental healing and balancing that it provides me.

It sounds like you are a little bit lost and don't really know what to do with yourself, so you fill your time and emptiness with substances -- pot, food, alcohol. 

Maybe you need some counseling to investigate that empty place inside you that needs constant filling, and the feelings you have that need constant numbing with substances.


  I agree 100%. That concerns me too.  I just signed up for weekly horseback riding lessons while my daughter is taking her lesson and I made arrangements to meet my friend at the gym on Mondays (I told her what happened, and she was really great about it).  She is going to call as I am leaving my training and remind me that we are supposed to meet.

I am not lost, I actually have way too much to do with myself, which is what is making my life so stressful.  I am actually a therapist.  I went back to school post op and switched careers.  I work with high risk clients.  I am finishing my post master's certificate, going through a year long, fairly intense training on how to treat PTSD (this is where I am every Monday instead of the office), raising a first grader and taking care of a home.  And of course it all has to be perfect because I am a perfectionist.  Thankfully, I am finally totally done with school (after four years) in May.  I also passed my licensing exam, which was a huge weight off of me.  So, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just don't want to wind up at the end of the tunnel with a new monkey on my back. 

Thankfully I am in therapy and my therapist knows what is going on.  She is not thrilled, but says that if this is something I feel a need to try it is my choice.  I am kind of glad she let me learn my own lesson.  She is always on my case about better self care and being good to myself - gee maybe it is   time to listen to the person I am paying to help me huh?

It is the fact that I am using this instead of a healthy coping tool that gives me the big red flag too.  I need to have more balance in my life and be good to myself in positive ways.  I feel ashamed about what happened and I don't like that.

Thank you very much for responding to me.

I think you've already taken the first step by realizing that the drinking is a problem. You have always struck me as being an intelligent, thoughtful person... and my opinion is still the same! 

We all struggle with things in life and it sounds to me like you know what you need to do for your own health and happiness. Now the hard part is doing it, right?!  And I wish you the best with the therapy... be totally honest about this problem and face it head on. You can get through the tunnel, Jin.

Best to you,
Nicci

Thank you so much.  I am very grateful to be able to put this out in the open with people who understand.  I never thought that I would drink again.  But they warned me about this when I had the surgery.  I guess what I learned is to listen to the advice we are given.  We must find healthy ways to cope other than the food before the stres****s.  I didn't change enough in that regard.  I can see that now.  I need to make my well being a much higher priority.  I think that is how this happened.  A few drinks is such a quick fix.  And then boom, I am sober again two hours later and able to go home, do the homework with the kid, do case notes, make dinner etc.

But numbing is not self care.  It is not nurturing to the soul.  It is just easier when a person is busy.  I am worth more than that.

You sure are worth more than that!
You can do it. I know you can.

Thanks again.  I hope that other people read this and realize that the advice we are given is no joke.   I am just grateful that I was only embarassed.