No one understands!
Please keep in mind that no one can make you feel anything you don't choose to feel. You can take the power away from them to hurt you as soon as you make that choice...
The second part of your post about why people we love the most make us feel the worst is because we seek their approval and when they don't give it, it makes us feel bad. Again, this happens only if we make the choice to feel bad.
Keep in mind that your journey is about you and that others are simply "characters" in the movie of your life, as you are a "character" in theirs as well.
It is not your job to make them understand, and it's not their job to approve of your decisions...
You've come this far, you've got a good head on your shoulders, so trust in yourself and shut out all the "noise" from others.
I think you're gonna love your new life!!!! I know I could not be happier with mine.
Wishing you a safe and successful journey to a newer, healthier you!!
(deactivated member)
on 1/14/12 10:46 pm
on 1/14/12 10:46 pm
Wow...excellent advice!!!
And for the original poster, how often did you talk to them about your obesity BEFORE you ever thought of having surgery? I imagine it was seldom/never discussed. It is a delicate topic and one that you had time to prepare yourself for and your family didn't.
I am not suggesting you are an addict or a codependent. I don't know anything about you and I am not a therapist. However, families with addiction issues learn to dance a dysfunctional tango in order to try to avoid anything unpleasant. They tend to live in denial about a variety of issues. We learn these messages from our childhood. Just because you may want to change, doesn't mean that they need or want to change. This is about YOU so don't make it about them. Keep the focus on yourself. After all, you are the one having surgery. You are the one that will have to change the way you eat. You are the one doing this for YOUR self.
What Deb raised with you is the general subject (explained perfectly, mind you) of codependency. Codependency will always sabotage our lives, because it is the way we learned to cope with dysfunction in our lives. Therapy and support group is a great way to address this. Change is difficult; we spent a lifetime learning to survive in a certain way. Even our best intentions are not strong enough to make lifelong changes without the support of therapy and healthy modeling of boundaries, on a repeated basis.
Here are a few questions from CODA that you may find helpful to determine if this may be an issue for yourself. http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm
Wishing you peace,
And for the original poster, how often did you talk to them about your obesity BEFORE you ever thought of having surgery? I imagine it was seldom/never discussed. It is a delicate topic and one that you had time to prepare yourself for and your family didn't.
I am not suggesting you are an addict or a codependent. I don't know anything about you and I am not a therapist. However, families with addiction issues learn to dance a dysfunctional tango in order to try to avoid anything unpleasant. They tend to live in denial about a variety of issues. We learn these messages from our childhood. Just because you may want to change, doesn't mean that they need or want to change. This is about YOU so don't make it about them. Keep the focus on yourself. After all, you are the one having surgery. You are the one that will have to change the way you eat. You are the one doing this for YOUR self.
What Deb raised with you is the general subject (explained perfectly, mind you) of codependency. Codependency will always sabotage our lives, because it is the way we learned to cope with dysfunction in our lives. Therapy and support group is a great way to address this. Change is difficult; we spent a lifetime learning to survive in a certain way. Even our best intentions are not strong enough to make lifelong changes without the support of therapy and healthy modeling of boundaries, on a repeated basis.
Here are a few questions from CODA that you may find helpful to determine if this may be an issue for yourself. http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm
Wishing you peace,
LOL.
Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar and blaming fat on psych problems is a major pet peeve of mine. Is it "sometimes" the reality...heck yes. Does being fat cause self-esteem issues, yep. Is it the easy solution to blame the fat person for being weak, mentally ill or undisciplined..yep. Is there such a thing as food addiction or mental illness that causes overeating..yep. There is no one size fits all cause and everytime I see a post from "any" poster assuming psych issues, it just makes me sad. There are also genetics, and the slippery slope of metabolic changes that can make it impossible to climb up that down escalator. There are thousands of factors including poverty that contribute to the obesity epidemic. When is the last time you at the food in a school cafeteria. I ate breakfast and lunch at a high school. Didn't eat dinner and gained 5 pounds in a month.
Right now, I'm watching a freind with hyperinsulemia cursing herself daily because the extra insulin keeps her ravenous. No matter what she does, no matter what she eats, she's hungry. Her doctor is an idiot and she's on medicare so she doesn't have a lot of options. She doesn't need a shrink, she needs a DS.
If therapy were the answer to fat, these surgeries wouldn't exist. If addiction counseling is the answer, then those that fail after that are weak? We as a society need to accept that obesity is an illness not an effect.
Ok, sorry soap box off and I didn't mean to offend anyone but I get so flaired when I see the fat person being blamed for being fat or not taking responsiblity for their fat.
Therapy won't help an underlying medical condition.
me
Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar and blaming fat on psych problems is a major pet peeve of mine. Is it "sometimes" the reality...heck yes. Does being fat cause self-esteem issues, yep. Is it the easy solution to blame the fat person for being weak, mentally ill or undisciplined..yep. Is there such a thing as food addiction or mental illness that causes overeating..yep. There is no one size fits all cause and everytime I see a post from "any" poster assuming psych issues, it just makes me sad. There are also genetics, and the slippery slope of metabolic changes that can make it impossible to climb up that down escalator. There are thousands of factors including poverty that contribute to the obesity epidemic. When is the last time you at the food in a school cafeteria. I ate breakfast and lunch at a high school. Didn't eat dinner and gained 5 pounds in a month.
Right now, I'm watching a freind with hyperinsulemia cursing herself daily because the extra insulin keeps her ravenous. No matter what she does, no matter what she eats, she's hungry. Her doctor is an idiot and she's on medicare so she doesn't have a lot of options. She doesn't need a shrink, she needs a DS.
If therapy were the answer to fat, these surgeries wouldn't exist. If addiction counseling is the answer, then those that fail after that are weak? We as a society need to accept that obesity is an illness not an effect.
Ok, sorry soap box off and I didn't mean to offend anyone but I get so flaired when I see the fat person being blamed for being fat or not taking responsiblity for their fat.
Therapy won't help an underlying medical condition.
me
(deactivated member)
on 1/15/12 11:29 pm
on 1/15/12 11:29 pm
"Therapy won't help an underlying medical condition."
I never stated therapy would resolve the OP's obesity.
I know you are not suggesting to have the most malabsorptive/restrictive surgery as possible and ignore the root causes of obesity and the unhappiness often associated with those who suffer from it. Nor are you stating surgery will fix everyting troubling the OP.
Yet, you are offended that someone suggests counseling to deal with ones unhappiness over family issues.
Wow...
I never stated therapy would resolve the OP's obesity.
I know you are not suggesting to have the most malabsorptive/restrictive surgery as possible and ignore the root causes of obesity and the unhappiness often associated with those who suffer from it. Nor are you stating surgery will fix everyting troubling the OP.
Yet, you are offended that someone suggests counseling to deal with ones unhappiness over family issues.
Wow...
Ms. Cal Culator
on 1/16/12 12:24 am - Tuvalu
on 1/16/12 12:24 am - Tuvalu
On January 16, 2012 at 7:29 AM Pacific Time, Christopher_J wrote:
"Therapy won't help an underlying medical condition." I never stated therapy would resolve the OP's obesity.
I know you are not suggesting to have the most malabsorptive/restrictive surgery as possible and ignore the root causes of obesity and the unhappiness often associated with those who suffer from it. Nor are you stating surgery will fix everyting troubling the OP.
Yet, you are offended that someone suggests counseling to deal with ones unhappiness over family issues.
Wow...
That's not how I read it, Chris. I read it more along the lines of a caution about falling into the "déformation professionnelle" trap.
Similar to the concept of discovering that, when you give a boy a hammer, everything he sees suddenly looks like a nail. Now, of course, SOME things are nails...and some that aren't nails may need pounding, anyway...but there are many things that are not nails and do not need pounding and that might even be hurt from using that approach.
So this "codependency" thing may be the solution for the problems in YOUR life...and maybe in the lives of some others...but it is not the solution for every challenge in the life of every poster.
THAT'S what I heard her saying.
Chris,
When you point a finger at someone, remember that three point back to you. If you had to deal with some issues to deal with your obesity, I'm happy you were able to do that. I'm super happy that you want to share your experience, strength and hope with others...that is fantastic. However, I doubt there is a person suffering from obesity out there that has not been blamed over and over for being fat. Who has not been told they are mentally defective and they need to get help so they can be "normal". Doctors, nurses, parents, and well meaning friends follow the stereotype of blaming the fat person for being fat. Sometimes it's true, other times it's not.
There are a couple of people out here, not just you that seem to fall back consistently on counseling as an underlying problem for obesity. Now, I believe that obestity in many cases can be a causal factor in mental health and self esteem issues. I think there are times that mental health issues cause obesity. When people come out here, telling them to go get years of counseling before they deal with the medical issues of obesity or it won't work might not be the greatest of ideas. It actually gets my blood boiling because while they are waiting for an imagined "fix", their bodies are deteriorating under the strain of the obesity.
I am suggesting that having a medical procedure for a medical problem is a great idea. Counseling for a mental health issue is also a great idea. The root cause for obesity is not often mental illness. The two are not mutally exclusive and one does not have to be dealt with before the other, if it even exists in anything other than an assumption tinted by personal experience.
I am offended when a person of size is assumed mentally defective because of an illness. Cancer used to be something people were ashamed of, HIV was considered by some a punishment from God for sins. Fat is not a sin, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it is not a symptom of mental illness. It is a physiological condition with a multitude of causes. Therapy and co dependent groups have their place in everyones lives but it does not belong in the postion of the first responder.
As for the OP, counseling is not going to hurt her but it isn't necessary for her to find health. The two can coexist but telling posters over and over that they need to step back and deal with mental health issues that may or may not exist in order for them to be successful, in my opinion causes much more harm than good. If it worked for you, share you experience, that would be most welcome.
When you point a finger at someone, remember that three point back to you. If you had to deal with some issues to deal with your obesity, I'm happy you were able to do that. I'm super happy that you want to share your experience, strength and hope with others...that is fantastic. However, I doubt there is a person suffering from obesity out there that has not been blamed over and over for being fat. Who has not been told they are mentally defective and they need to get help so they can be "normal". Doctors, nurses, parents, and well meaning friends follow the stereotype of blaming the fat person for being fat. Sometimes it's true, other times it's not.
There are a couple of people out here, not just you that seem to fall back consistently on counseling as an underlying problem for obesity. Now, I believe that obestity in many cases can be a causal factor in mental health and self esteem issues. I think there are times that mental health issues cause obesity. When people come out here, telling them to go get years of counseling before they deal with the medical issues of obesity or it won't work might not be the greatest of ideas. It actually gets my blood boiling because while they are waiting for an imagined "fix", their bodies are deteriorating under the strain of the obesity.
I am suggesting that having a medical procedure for a medical problem is a great idea. Counseling for a mental health issue is also a great idea. The root cause for obesity is not often mental illness. The two are not mutally exclusive and one does not have to be dealt with before the other, if it even exists in anything other than an assumption tinted by personal experience.
I am offended when a person of size is assumed mentally defective because of an illness. Cancer used to be something people were ashamed of, HIV was considered by some a punishment from God for sins. Fat is not a sin, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it is not a symptom of mental illness. It is a physiological condition with a multitude of causes. Therapy and co dependent groups have their place in everyones lives but it does not belong in the postion of the first responder.
As for the OP, counseling is not going to hurt her but it isn't necessary for her to find health. The two can coexist but telling posters over and over that they need to step back and deal with mental health issues that may or may not exist in order for them to be successful, in my opinion causes much more harm than good. If it worked for you, share you experience, that would be most welcome.
Try to see things from your family's point of view.
I know that if my family had known nothing of me seriously looking into this surgery, and then me going through all the preliminaries and then actually scheduling it, all without their knowing until I'd sprung it on them a week before it was going to happen, well, they would have been crazy with worry, and thinking that I was crazy, and that maybe this is not necessarily Heck, WE OURSELVES all go through that same thought process until we finally make up our minds, do we not?
Give your family a break, and give them the time that you have had to get used to this idea, and to face the reality that you're going to go through with it. They'll come around, especially once they see you finally losing weight and becoming more active and feeling better about things.
But certainly, for now, at least, the fact that your family has reacted the way it has should not be surprising. This really IS a big deal. It's a major surgery, and one that you've now gone through the entire preliminary process for, without them and in a manner that does, indeed, suggest that you didn't trust them, and didn't want to include them.
So, now that you have, you expected them to react wonderfully, right off the bat? No, you didn't, or else you wouldn't have approached this whole thing in the covert way you did.
They are simply reacting exactly as you anticipated they would. But, really, why would you necessarily have expected anything different?
I'm not saying you're right or wrong in how you handled things. But, as I said, try to see things from their point of view.
I know that if my family had known nothing of me seriously looking into this surgery, and then me going through all the preliminaries and then actually scheduling it, all without their knowing until I'd sprung it on them a week before it was going to happen, well, they would have been crazy with worry, and thinking that I was crazy, and that maybe this is not necessarily Heck, WE OURSELVES all go through that same thought process until we finally make up our minds, do we not?
Give your family a break, and give them the time that you have had to get used to this idea, and to face the reality that you're going to go through with it. They'll come around, especially once they see you finally losing weight and becoming more active and feeling better about things.
But certainly, for now, at least, the fact that your family has reacted the way it has should not be surprising. This really IS a big deal. It's a major surgery, and one that you've now gone through the entire preliminary process for, without them and in a manner that does, indeed, suggest that you didn't trust them, and didn't want to include them.
So, now that you have, you expected them to react wonderfully, right off the bat? No, you didn't, or else you wouldn't have approached this whole thing in the covert way you did.
They are simply reacting exactly as you anticipated they would. But, really, why would you necessarily have expected anything different?
I'm not saying you're right or wrong in how you handled things. But, as I said, try to see things from their point of view.
Most Active
Recent Topics
