Should I tell my family I want to have WLS?

Hi Everyone,

How do you telling your family you want to go ahead and have weight loss surgery? You have done all your research and you know for sure that you want to have this done. One of the things I have learned is that sometimes telling our family that we are going to have weight loss surgery is disastrous.  Here are some things I want you to consider.  Have you ever talked to them before now about having weight loss surgery?  How educated are they about the kind of WLS that you want? If they know something, this is a time to educate them a little more. Go to some of the WLS Web Sites and print out some of their excellent information they have about the kind of WLS you are going to have. Have they put down for being fat? Do you think they will support you for your choice?  If you feel you are not going to get their support and they are just going to put you down or set up road blocks then it might not be wise to tell them.  Sometimes after you return home and they see you are healthy, alive and doing well and losing weight, this might be the time to talk to them about what you have done. Ask them for their support.

I want you to always remember this:  THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU AND NO ONE ELSE. You do not owe anyone an explanation about what you are doing or why this is your choice. You have earned the right to do what is best for you. For so many years you have not done that.  Unless they have had weight problems they will almost never understand why you are having the surgery.

For various reasons, people will try to stop you.  They are sure you will not be successful and you are throwing away your money. They are fat and want you to be fat just like them.  They are scared you may find someone else if it is your husband or wife who is opposed to you doing this.  They are jealous that you are doing this and they are not doing anything to help themselves. They are just plain scared and don't know how to communicate their feelings to you.  They know very little about WLS, ONLY the BAD things that they have heard through gossip. If it is a money issue and they don't think you can afford to do this. Hey we make car payments and never think twice about it.  How about making some body payments?

For so many of our family member they are so uneducated about the current methods of WLS-the sleeve being the one I am thinking of.  They assume we are having lapband or bypass surgery—neither one of these were my choice.  So every chance I have I try to educated anyone who wants to know about the sleeve on how successful this surgery is and just how they do it.

So, my suggestion is you know your family better than I do, so consider if it is wise to talk with them or to just keep it to yourself.  There is so much support on this board for you if you need anyone to talk to or help.  I am always here if you have any questions. 

Suzanne
Sleeved 10/21/2008
Lost 105 pounds

I told my partner, "I am thinking about having gastric bypass surgery.  What do you think about it?"  His opinion was the only opinion from a family member that I cared about.  He said, "Maybe you should learn more about it."  I said, "I think I'm going to make an appointment with a surgeon to talk about it."  He said, "OK."

Everyone else, I waited to tell until I'd decided for sure I was going to do it, then said, "I am going to be having gastric bypass surgery."  I answered questions if they had them.  I never asked their opinions, though.

hello suzanne
im having surgery jan 11 and the only ppl that know are a few good friends and my immediate family! that's it!  my employer knows i'm having surgery but not what for!  and i've asked for vacation time not sick time as i don't even want the girl in "HR" to know (i work for a real estate company) as i don't need or want to hear all the negative remarks!  sure i'll be losing weight and sure people will notice.. but i've always been on a "diet"... so what else is new?  in my opinion it's no one's business but my husband, son and sister!  (my parents are gone  my mom would be for it my dad... ??? he'd probly tell me to keep trying something else)...
deb

It took me a year from the first consult with my surgeon to the day of my surgery, and the only people who knew were my husband and kids, a few friends and that's it. While on vacation last summer with my mom, I mentioned it to her casually, and she hit the roof. All she could think of were the "bad" things that could happen to you if something went wrong, and so on and so forth. So I never mentioned it again, to either of my parents. My husband had a VSG about three weeks before my RNY, and most of his family knows about both of us. Most of them have been very supportive. All of the friends I've told have been wonderful, and so have my kids. I looked at it like this...until I considered this surgery, I knew very little about it too. Once I educated myself, I felt good about my decision. Most people don't know that its come a long way in the past 20 years or so, and it's for the most part, a very safe procedure. Even my primary physician was all for it! The good far outweighs the bad in most cases. And it was a chance I HAD to take! My life and my body were out of control. My husband keeps asking me when I'm ever going to tell my mom I had it done, and I tell him "Never" because I don't have to! Why do I need to tell her? All she needs to know is, I'm losing weight, I'm feeling better and starting to enjoy life again. THAT'S what she wants for me anyhow, it doesn't matter how I'm getting there. I wanted no part of any negative opinions going into that operating room. I haven't regretted a single minute since that day, and I never will. I just look for support from other places, like here on OH and from my friends and husband.

Hi,

Such a smart move on your part.  You really are doing ALL the right things for yourself.  Congratulations on your choice and for you and your husband, the entire world is going to change.  Yeah! for you two.

This is about you and not them.  So many people have no idea what they are talking about.  They only repeat the bad gossip that they hear.  Sometime there are never going to "hear" what you are saying, so why tell them.

Hugs,
Suzanne

Thank you for an excellent, well thought out, and well written post!

I personally made my own decision after doing as much research as I could, including reading, visiting surgeons, attending info and support groups, etc. I had the active support of my husband throughout, which has been invaluable for me and a large part of why we have been together for 31 years.

Then I informed the people who matter to me. Some of them agreed and some of them didn't, but those who didn't made it clear that they were mainly concerned for my wellbeing. Since I have been at goal, they have come around in their support.

You're right, it is such a personal decision around whom to tell and when- we each have such unique cir****tances.

 I have been considering surgery now for years. My husband has been great. My parents don't believe in it and were not as supportive. I have mentioned it in passing years ago to others, but no one else has been very supportive. So I have decided that when I get into talking with the doc and setup the date, no one but my husband and a few supportive friends will know. I'm not sure if I will tell my parents right away.

I ONLY TOLD MY SISTER AND DAUGHTER. I TOLD THE REST OF MY FAMILY VIA EMAIL THE DAY BEFORE THE OPERATION. I ALSO TOLD THEM THAT IF THEY DID NOT SUPPORT ME TO KEEP THEIR OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES. IT WORKED GREAT AND I FELT GOOD ABOUT IT!

GOOD LUCK!!

I havent had the surgery yet. But I told my husband and daughter. My husband wasnt too sure about me having surgery. He married me skinny and has seen me go up to 305 lbs and not once in 22 years has he ever made a negative comment about my weight. When we went to the seminar at the surgeons office he was shocked to learn how dangerous it is to be overweight so he is now very supportive. I have told two of my co-workers who consider me  their good friend and who come to me with all of their personal and dirty secrets they cant tell anyone else. I also told one of my sisters because she is very supportive of me and she has weight issues too but hers are on the opposite end. She is extremely underweight and gets negative comments from family so I knew she would understand. Thats it so far. I dont plan on telling the rest of my siblings or my parents until after the surgery and after people start noticing the weight loss. I will not explain WLS and how it works or what I have to do. If they want to know they can look it up. I will only explain it to other overweight people who ask me and only if they are sincere.

tell no one im so sorry i told a friend the friend told his wife now everyone knows. and do not tell your co.workers at all no one needs to know keep them guessing.