Intimacy before and after surgery

Sorry, but I have to agree with both Leanne and Maria.

You losing weight is not the magic bullet that is going to change your husband. He is who he is and if he does not have your weight to jump on, he'll find something else.

I will never understand why women, or men, put up with this sort of emotional and psychological abuse.

If my husband ever made even one of the sort of comments your husband has made, the brakes on our relationship would come to an absolute screeching halt. I may have been heavy, and I still do have many flaws, but the one flaw I do not have is a lack of self-worth.

Nobody is ever going to abuse me in any way and actually think I'm going to be okay with it because, when he's not damaging my emotional health, he's a good guy...

Step away from this and ask yourself does your acceptance of the things he says to you even remotely sound psychologically healthy to you???

Your husband is doing this because you are allowing it and downplaying it. He is not a good guy. He is an asshole who is emotionally damaging his wife, and until you recognize this and put a stop to it, the abuse is going to continue no matter how much weight you may lose.

I have always been the one that told my friends to get out of bad relationships when they were in them, but as I got heaver I think I lost my confidence. I was always the fireball.  I never thought I would stay with someone that acted this way in a million years.  I know this has probably caused me some physiological problems and that’s why I started seeing a therapist.  As strange as it may sound it’s hard to let go because besides the commits and sex he has been a good husband. Thanks you for writing to me.

Please keep with the therapy because you are obviously an intelligent, insightful woman who would not have written for support if you did not know, at some level, that the behavior being displayed by your husband is harmful to you. I see your post as a subtle scream for help...

Other than the hateful comments and withholding of sex by your husband, what else is there?

Nothing can trump the emotional or psychological abuse that is being done to you. Day by day his comments have eroded your self confidence and sense of who you are and what you're worth.

If you stick with the therapy, it is my hope that you will finally come to the understanding that no matter what else you think this this man may have to offer, it's not worth the price you're paying.

Please know that I have your absolute best interest at heart and would not being saying these things for any other reason.

Please continue to grow and journey towards the best of who you really are...

Thank you, I really do appreciate the advice and I will take it to heart.

I just wanted to reinforce what the last few posters have stated. Degrading comments are not the hallmark of a "manly man". Quite the opposite, actually. Im sorry you've been so mistrated. I doubt highly that things will improve with weightloss. Weightloss doesnt fix mean.

All the best for you both. I wish you much success and bliss.

Thank you.

Here's what happened with me.  After my surgery and subsequent weight loss, I began to see things more clearly.  I had been self-incarcerated in my obesity and my liberation enabled me to see the light of day.  I saw with great clarity that what I had been putting up with in my marriage simply wasn't acceptable.  And with the weight loss, my ex-husband's focus shifted from my weight to being jealous of the attention I was getting from other men.  He's not going to stop being a jerk with you just because you lose weight.  He's going to find something else to harp on.  Trust me.  That's how he's programmed.

You are likely going to come to the realization that your husband is not WORTHY of you.  I came to that conclusion about my own spouse.

And when you free yourself of that oppression, you are going to be so glad you did.

{{{Hugs}}}

I am sure I will probably change a lot as I am losing weight, and I am sure my confidence will return eventually. I will have to play it by ear and see if I can forgive him; I just wish I could say something to get him to listen to how he makes me fell. Thank you for taking the time to share with me your story, and I am so glad you are happy. Thanks again.

 My sister was married to a man who used to pick on her about her weight after they had a child together (she was not obese) so she went to the gym worked hard, got to size 4, and he said "you still have a tummy".  Other men were taking double takes at her walking down the street.  She was also an "A" cup bra size at that time.  Her husband said "I always preferred blondes" and my sister, a brunette, colored her hair blonde.. he asked her why the hell she did that to her hair... and she told him because he said he preferred it... and he barked at her "I did not mean YOU". She came to my mom's house crying and my mom helped her to color it back.  She kept up her figure and the tummy comments continued.  She decided to get some boobs to even out the "tummy".  He pushed her against the wall and did not hit her but pinned her there as he yelled at her.  She FINALLY told my parents how he was treating her and filed for divorce.  I know this is anecdotal, but the moral of the story is... it wasn't her "imperfection" that was the problem, it was that he was abusive.  Verbal abuse is common and people (including wives) tend to "get away with it" because it is not physical harm.  Well... I believe my sister has healed but she still has emotional scars.  It's not ok.

Thank you, for telling me about your sister.  I really do appreciate the advice.