Why don't our family and friends support us?

Hi,

I had weight loss surgery when I was 63 and I am now 65 .  I have been sleeved of 2 1/2 years.  I lost 105 pounds on my journey. So I do know a little about what I am going to say.  I have done what you want to do or have already done.

So I have been thinking about this.  WHY do so many of our friends not say Yay! or I am happy for you? 

1. They know NOTHING about weight loss surgery let alone when we say we are have the "sleeve" done?

2.  They have not heard of any positive things about WLS.

3.  They are scared for us because we are having some kind of surgery they no nothing about.

4.  They think we are having gastric bypass (we know it isn't but they don't) and they have heard nothing but bad thing when it comes to this surgery.  Dumping, malnutrition, people gaining weight back again, because they have stretched out their pouch.

5.  The are sure we are going to die during the surgery.

6.  They have never had a weight problem in their life.

7.  They view this as the easy way out--it take more courage to have this surgery than to do nothing at all, but they beleive it is the easy way out. 

8.  How will you stop losing weight. 

9.  Is this healthy--they are sure it isn't.

10.  It cost too much money and you will never keep the weight off and WHY if you are 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 or older would you want to do this to yourself?

So those are the top ten reason I can think of that the people are thinking all these things.  I think if we are willing to talk more about it to them "AFTER" we have had the surgery and explain things to them--I say educate the uneducated friends that we have, they may be more willing to listen. There are so many people that just can't image that we would have surgery to lose weight, so they really have to see with their own eyes that you are OK and healthy and this is working for you.  I know you want their support, but honestly sometimes it is just not going to happen.

This isn't something that we just woke up one morning and said hey I think I will have someone remove 80% of my stomach and then I will solve all my weight issues.  We thought about this for a long time, we did some research, we checked with other people and joined web sites to educated ourselves.

So, don't let the uneducated people in your life stop you from doing what you know is right for you.

If you had a tooth ache you would go see a dentist to get it fixed--and they would think that is the right thing to do.  We have an addiction to food and an emotional connection to food.  What is wrong with going and getting the help we need to stop our addiction.  This is our tool that we are going to use to accomplish the weight loss with.

It isn't a magical cure by any means.  It takes time, work and effort on our part to become successful.  A little support along the way also helps a heap!

Finding the right doctor to trust our life with and one who is highly skilled in the field of WLS is the next step.  For me that was Dr. Aceves, and I can't say enough kind words about him and his skills and he GREAT staff and wonderful hospital. 

I knew at 63 if I was going to take this giant step, it had to be with someone that I trusted and that had done a lot of these with no complications and was a skilled surgeon. 

So when the next person you talk to rolls their eyes around because you are 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 or older and going to have weight loss surgery, please just have some patients with them.  The are very UNEDUCATED.  We will work at educating them and letting them know that this really isn't about them at all.  It is ALL about you and you have earned and deserved the right to have this surgery.

You will be making a lifestyle change and not be on a diet any more.  You are going to put yourself first, for the first time in a long time.  I want you to feel good about what you are doing because it is going to be a life changing event that is going to be so fabulous.  Someone is going to call your "skinny" for the first time and you are going to smile and say "yes" I did it.

I am here every step of the way to assist, you and help you.  I will answer your million questions you may have and help you deal with the emotions  that you are feeling.  I want you to know that you are doing the right thing by wanting to become healthy and add years to your life.

Hugs to you and you go for what you want in life.  If not now then WHEN????

Suzanne

First of all.. Congratulations on your own successful weight loss journey!

You have much to be proud of and I'm sure I speak for many when I say that I hope to be like you someday!

Regarding the whole family & friends dynamic.. You pretty much said it all. I recently had to explain this very same thing to my one true supporter (my younger brother Michael). He was also amazed to hear how I was unable to celebrate my small victories with my friends, family members, and even my spouse! They all get weirded out over the whole surgical solution thing for some reason. Like you I think they see it as "the easy way" or somehow weak & cheating instead of doing it "the right way".

I personally don't discuss WLS with most people I know any longer. I just wait until I see them again and then they go.. "Wow, you've really lost weight & you really look healthy too" (No **** Sherlock!).

Hang in there and remember that we all do this for ourselves not for anyone else directly. They just reap the rewards ...Craig

Very well said.  i agree 100%.  There are some who want to be educated and some that you will never reach.  Keep doing what you are doing.

Hugs,
Suzanne

i ask myself that after every family gathering, holiday, etc, and i have decided that i am going to be happy for me and stop yearning for their approval. i cant let their negativity sabotage my new path to a healthy and full life, i can get new friends but your kind of stuck with the family! congrads on your weight loss!!!!!

Hey Mel, yep we are stuck with our family.  Mine are a little like that too.  I don't look to them for comfort.  My husband and friends have been fabulous.  You are right this is about you and only you.  They are jealous, and to say something means they might have to do something about their own life--they are ready or willing to.

Congratulations to you for your fabulous attitude.  I love it.

HUGS,

Very well said indeed.  I have to agree 100% with everything you have stated!!  My son has not been supportive at all.  Hopefully, once the surgery is over he will come around!!!

Hi,

My son was the same way.  He came around, but to this day he will never say gee Mom you look great, or I guess you DID know what you are doing.  I know that he struggles with his weight and he felt through diet and exercise I could have lost the weight and that is what he is trying.  We are close we just don't talk much about this.  I have offered to pay for his surgery if he wanted and he said this is something that we are going to have to agree to disagree on.  I just left the door open if he ever changes his mind.

You have to do this for  YOU and no one else.  I am here ever step of the way for you.  Who is going to be doing your surgery?

Hugs,

I didn't give my family any room to deny support. I was just "this is what I'm doing, and this is why" very matter of factly and to the point. Any naysayers would have been cut out. I know there are some family members who don't agree with what I've done. I think it's because they teeter on the edge of being overweight/obese and don't want to think of it as an option for themselves. When I made my decision, and I did it all on my own, no input from anyone else, I said **** it. Those who will support me, will, those who don't, can take a big flying kiss at my ass. This is MY life, not theirs. I don't care who knows someone who knows someone whose cousin's sister's brother in law died. I just stopped listening and went for what I wanted. Now, most of them don't speak to me because I am SMALLER than they are. And having always been the "big" one of the family, I think it makes them feel insecure that they have nobody but themselves to compare the fat ones in the family to. Make sense? I think my family needed me to remain fat so they could always compare themselves when they gained a little weight and say "well, at least I'm not THAT big"......dunno, don't care anymore. Have cut myself off from most of them over the last couple of of years. Actually got a Christmas gift from my aunt, who I am smaller than now, with plus size clothing. It was all too big, but whatever. I know that's what she needs to feel better about her own size!

Wow you remind me of myself and my attitude.  You are so right, they don't want to admit that they need to do something about their weight, to they act as if you have committed a crime.  To deal with it means that they might have to do something about it, and they aren't ready nor will they ever do something about being fat.

Very sad for them.  I am thrilled and so happy for you.  Go go girl.

Hugs.