Holding steady and not reverting...

Countless sleepless nights and fretting myself to the point my heart actually hurt ... but I was able to deal with it .... The feeling was horrible ... cold fingers gripping at my heart and squeezing the breath of me while fleeting thoughs of results and procedures of upsetting family and such kept creeping in my mind.  Sometimes no matter how much I purpose myself not to fret... not to stress ... there are these feelings that are so physical that come with the territory it is hard not to even if I don't want to.

My stress while worried to the point I had an everlasting lump in my throat ...  I handled with exercising and immersing myself in activities that I like doing ... running .. swimming.. zumba.. belly dancing but most of all I enjoyed sketching and painting avies/pics/canvases of my cyberfriends and people IRL as I love to paint ... and sewing ... all the while worried and fretting sick over the mammogram that would determine my fate ... I worried up until the day I took it ... I worried after I took it ... I thought I would die learning the results of it even when my worst fears were laid to rest .... YESTERDAY I had good news .... after years of procedures and upsetting news .... GOOD NEWS FINALLY... and I can let my breath out ... and breathe gently... and have a good nights rest ... for another six months .... geez ... to think this test would have determined a drastic movement I had on the back burner depending on its results....

I know I don't have the spirit of fear but fear is a real feeling ... I felt the squeezing and chill on my heart until it really hurt ... I am glad their grip (fingers of fear) is gone for the moment ... no matter how hard I tried I fretted ... but while I fret I occupied ... and I did not reach for food for comfort ... I exercised and sketched and painted instead ... sleep eluded me ... so I reached for my charcoal and my brushes and I had fun occupying my mind ... now this sounds really weird .. having fun while pressing through the grips of fear, fret and worry that I really could not do anything about but no matter how I tried not feel that way those feelings were there and were real..... I ran every morning at 4 a.m. half the time not knowing whether I was running away from it... towards my freedom or just for my health ... so I am convinced I was running for my health... I tell myself that... plus I just love to run... and am so happy I can run again....

When restless... in fear... or otherwise not myself I will reach out for anything but overindulgence in food now .... post WLS I had to learn other ways to cope ... it was not easy and I purpose myself each day ... every.single.day ... I learn my lesson each and every day .. it is not easy I repeat... but I press myself to ...... every day is a new day  and with each challenge I will try to run harder... swim faster... dance... skip... hop... jump... paint... sketch... sew.. and do whatever to occupy ... in the interim I will give myself a get a grip spiel and try to not fear the results of a test that have saved me more than once ... through all the procedures related to it ... early detection has been working in my favor (knock on wood)..

I live my post WLS life every day ... along with my DH living a post kidney transplant and partial forefoot amputation life .... I have to ... I can't go back .... my co-morbidities hindered my health and my mobility ... I can't go back...

Today despite exercising and occupying my mind I fretted a bit below my goal weight ... but I am stable and in maintenance for life ... I know what to do ... I have to purpose myself to do it ONE.DAY.AT.A.TIME .... I just can't forget ... I can't afford to go back... I owe it to me to live healthy ... and mobile ...until the end...

A little bit under ... where I want to be today ... I went through and got through once again... I know what to do...


I had a good night's sleep last night after SEVERAL sleepless nights ... with the pending test and then fearing going for the test and then fearing the results ... BUT I HAD THE BEST RESULTS I EVER HAD IN YEARS ..... A GOOD READING FOR A CHANGE..... YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY I AM COUNTING MY BLESSINGS.... 

Entry today in my journal a picture a day keeps the lbs away and the inches at bay... YIKES my small clothes are feeling loose ... no more fretting ... for another six months ...


YEARLY MAMMOGRAMS OR AS OFTEN AS YOUR MD RECOMMENDS SAVE LIVES ... FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN ... that is my testimony today....

Thanks OH for allowing me the space  to share ... another day on the journey of an old dufus sista!!!!

You need to relax, give your Mammogram to doG and let her worry about it.  Worrying is not going to change anything.  You know I love you and want you healthy.  To everyone else if you have not seen the drawings they are beautiful.  She has them on her group page, the name escapes me now but someone will jump in and direct you to the drawing.

I guess I will set a remember for next September just to keep track of you.

Pat

Stress is not good for the body.  Give it to God.  You are blessed!  maria