Toxic Trauma Drama

Hubba
on 7/15/09 2:17 am - KS
On July 14, 2009 at 5:32 PM Pacific Time, pepsi98 wrote:
On July 14, 2009 at 5:00 PM Pacific Time, Yvonne McCarthy wrote:
This is from my blog, I thought it might be worth repeating.
www.bariatricgirl.blogspot.com


RESPECT...a very important word in life. And here's a couple more...

Compassion, Empathy

Don't we know what these words mean anymore? The fact that so many people simply forego any hint of the golden rule just blows me away. So many di**** out but certainly don't want the same in return. Forums, boards, and blogs are sometimes a vast wasteland of disrespect and anonymous bullying.

The squeaky wheel so often gets the grease because so many boards don't have a lot of structure. It sort of reminds me of the old West...Cowboys and Indians...before Marshall Dillon rode into town...... pretty much whatever you can get away with at the expense of other's feelings just so long as you bulldoze your point through because you have to prove how right you are and how wrong someone else is. It is not a place for the weak at heart....like me.

Yup, go ahead and call me a Pollyanna. I'm just plain worn out from toxic trauma drama on forums, boards, and blogs....well wherever it is.

I'd love for the moderators to put a little icon before each of the applicable threads that says TTD.

As weight loss surgery people we are already very vulnerable and after a lifetime of negativity due to obesity, I don't understand why we must continue to pile more anxiety upon our already stressful lives. The other problem is that it starts (usually) with a post that isn't so bad but it's where it goes that gets dangerous. (sorry Dad for the language but this is a bland representation of reality)

Example-
Alice: I like orange and I can't see why anyone would like red...I mean what are you thinking?

Betty: Well I like orange too but if you like red, you're nuts.

Cheryl: I like red, orange sucks and you can go to hell

Betty: Cheryl, you're a freakin' *****!

Dawn: Betty you're freakin' ***** because I've liked red longer than anyone so you don't know crap!

Alice: Don't call my friend Betty a ***** and your surgery type sucks too.

Cheryl: You're fat and I'm at goal

Betty: I can lose weight but you can't fix ugly

Truth be told we all have a right to like orange or red. We can agree to disagree. In the meantime a newbie comes to the board looking for some real support, something that might save their life. So....newbie goes away, newbie loses out on good info OR newbie joins in the fun and never figures out how to fight the demons that are the reason for their obesity because they are too busy picking the "right" side. If you HAVE to be right, you HAVE to make someone else wrong.

The other mega fall out is just as potentially harmful. The veterans give up. Why would they want to stay? Their exit is a two fold tragedy. You lose some valuable experience and maybe I'm wrong but I'm thinking you might want someone to hang around that knows something. The other unfortunate part is the fact that veterans lose out on continued education and the all important accountability factor.

Stress causes us to trigger our food addiction (or other addictions) so what do we do?.....we jump right into ramping up the demons. Some people are perfectly unaffected and can play this game but so many are not. I have watched this first hand and I've seen several women sit and eat all day when the toxic trauma drama starts.

Are we our brother's keeper? Maybe...I mean...

I know I can't save the world but I can lead by example and do the best I can to keep my eye on the prize. Each time I take my eye off the prize, I am veering off course...and not walking toward the goal I want more than anything else....and when I participate I also help others veer off course too.

For me...the veterans are the parents in this community and when we fight it is just like the parents arguing in front of the kids. They are already coming in new and vulnerable and when we fight, we just screw them up a little more and feed the monster disease of obesity and addiction.

I'm saying the serenity prayer a little more every day.

If we really understood it, we'd get out of the business of stressing out and getting all pissed off over totally insignificant things that we cannot change. Life isn't fair but there's no use in wasting energy on things we can't change when we still have so much to do to work on ourselves. Since I am no where close to doing it all just right and until I figure out a way to do that, I don't see how I can spend time trying to tell others how to act. I certainly don't appreciate someone telling me how to act so I'm pretty sure no one else likes me to tell them they're doing it all wrong.

And then we have trolls....the ones that do it just to start a fight. We have aggressive trolls, passive/aggressive trolls, famous trolls and anonymous trolls. They start a fight for the fun of it and then everyone gets involved over an issue that was fake in the first place!!

I've been really active on the boards for almost 8 years. I have learned so much in those 8 years and the online support forums have figured out things that some of the bariatric programs haven't even begun to cover.... but for the life of me it is almost more than I can take sometimes when my WLS brothers and sisters start butting heads over things that don't matter.

Call me a dreamer...but I still hold out some hope that it can happen one day...

but until then I'll continue to do my best to offer support and help to those that want it and try my best to avoid the toxic trauma drama.

So fight if you want...but for now I'll just continue to answer to Pollyanna, Goodie Two Shoes, Naive Girl, whatever....

I'll be the one sitting in the corner singing *** ba yah.

p.s. Here's the great recipe for life that I posted before.

A GREAT RECIPE FOR LIFE...


1.Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to the God of your understanding about what is going on in your life.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.
20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________.
Today I accomplished _________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

26. READ 7 AND 14 AGAIN!
Thanks for this...I haven't been insulted and made fun of so much since grade school!  There is no need to demean anyone because of their surgery choice.
What a HYPOCRITE you are!
Does this post ring a bell Pepsi?

Wow...I am shocked that ANYONE in their right mind would even post this!!!  Guess you still have some "food issues", huh?  That crap sure tastes good, but I personally am working on my weight AND my dysfunctional attitude and relationship with food.  You know the saying..."just because you can doesn't mean you should!"

Why don't you try taking in some "quality" calories that promote health and well being through fiber, macronutrients etc rather than gorging yourself on garbage.  Better get on this quickly, as it sure sems as though you have  a way to go.
 "The Joy of the Lord is your strength."  Nehemiah 8:10


START:  330         CURRENT:  286.8  lbs         GOAL:  190          TOTAL:  43.2  lbs

 
Updated Weekly
I believe you were insinuating that I do not eat right because in your mind the food I posted is "evil" but for me, it is not.
You also insinuated that I still need to lose some more weight... No I do not! I am at my goal and have been maintaining that goal for over 2 years now by eating what you believe in your mind, to be "garbage".

Hubba 
 "Well son, since you don't have any respect for your elders, it's time somebody taught you some respect for your betters!"     John Wayne   
Click the image to Copy the code, then just paste it in a forum thread



!

nana nae
on 7/15/09 2:27 am - JOLIET, IL
AMEN!!  AND AMEN!!!
(deactivated member)
on 7/14/09 10:39 am


Yvonne McCarthy
on 7/15/09 12:49 pm - Plano, TX
Ha hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I just saw your signature!!!  A friend of mine was asked how much she lost at the gym.  She said about $50.00 a month!

Open RNY 3/30/01  260lbs - 130lbs Yvonne McCarthy, CLC. Health & Wellness Coach (full time volunteer). I am happy to help if I can. Visit www.bariatricgirl.com and see the Bariatric Girl blog!  Also check out my Facebook Bariatric Girl Page Photography site www.yvonnemccarthy.com     .„ø¤º°¨ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨„ø¤º°¨ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨

traci.traci
on 7/14/09 10:48 am - oshawa, Canada
great post...thanks
spedcon
on 7/14/09 10:57 am
Hi Yvonne,
Thanks for the kind words. I had surgery 9 weeks ago today. Everything has been wonderful. I can eat a large variety of foods with no issues like vomiting or foamies. I felt really blessed until 2 weeks ago. I started reading all this info on D.S. and I really didn't know about it. I was determined to get the band until my surgeon dangled the "diabetes resolved carrot (RNY)". That did it for me! I wanted off the meds and my liver was showing great stress as well...scarey. I read what everyone said about research and I admit I didn't google wls and study it...I just trusted my surgeon and went for it. I have lost 45 pounds, dropped from size 24-26 to 20's! I feel great but now I'm terrified! I come in every day and I just love all of you so much, you've all been life savers! I have had so many questions answered and I've never had to call my 24/7 nursing support. But.....I have heard so much about diabetes returning in no time for RNYer's....weight all regained....multiple surgeries are coming....etc. I am absolutely scared! A friend of mine had the band a month before I had RNY and she now refuses to come back to OH. She said if I keep reading, I'll go nuts. I said that OH people have a lot to teach me and I still believe that but now I'm having dreams about making the wrong choice. It really could not be going better for anyone and I'm so grateful but I wish the ugliness would stop and I appreciate you saying something. I just want to help others considering surgery and calm nerves. I love all the info but really folks....be kind.    Connie
    
Yvonne McCarthy
on 7/14/09 11:08 am - Plano, TX
Sweetie, that's why I wrote it because I am concerned for people just like you.  It is so important in this journey to have a positive outlook and believe...actually see and visualize your success.  Please know that first of all worrying about what kind of surgery you've had after the fact can only hurt you.  I do have a group on OH, it's listed in my signature.  You are welcome to join.  I am determined to keep it positive and provide good info.

Again, I have known people that have succeeded and failed with every kind of surgery.  You must believe that you can do it.  See your glass half full.  I failed for 30 years at every diet and I needed the chance to be back to normal and start over.  My surgery is a miracle and I believe you must respect it and nurture it.  So start loving what you've done and you'll see all the difference in the world.  If you expect bad stuff, that's what you'll get.  Bless your heart, you're doing great.  Keep up the good work.
Many blessings, Y

Open RNY 3/30/01  260lbs - 130lbs Yvonne McCarthy, CLC. Health & Wellness Coach (full time volunteer). I am happy to help if I can. Visit www.bariatricgirl.com and see the Bariatric Girl blog!  Also check out my Facebook Bariatric Girl Page Photography site www.yvonnemccarthy.com     .„ø¤º°¨ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨„ø¤º°¨ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨

Carlene B.
on 7/14/09 7:02 pm
God Bless Your Heart!!  Thank you so much.  I have been attacked so many times this wk.  That is why I wished them a nice life.

I made my committment to myself just this morning that life is so fragile, I don't have time for mud slinging matches.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.  This has made my whole day.  People like you are my role models.  It is my life's goal to some day come back when I am 10 yrs out and still be at goal. 

I considered my surgery a hand up, not a hand out.  So far it has been just that.

Many Blessings,

Carlene
Yvonne McCarthy
on 7/15/09 2:32 am - Plano, TX
Thank you for posting this.  I really needed it....I expected some nasty stuff but not what I got.  I am grateful for your kind words and if I can help someone, that's awesome and even worth the unkind words that I will not take personally. 

Here's a tip. See yourself ten years post-op as a thin person.  Visualize it.  Start every day with a grateful list and get a head start on the stinkin' thinkin' that most of us do to ourselves.  If you can start reprogramming your brain to the positive, you'll get a huge head start.  If I can do anything to help you along the way, I'm happy to.
hugs, Y

Open RNY 3/30/01  260lbs - 130lbs Yvonne McCarthy, CLC. Health & Wellness Coach (full time volunteer). I am happy to help if I can. Visit www.bariatricgirl.com and see the Bariatric Girl blog!  Also check out my Facebook Bariatric Girl Page Photography site www.yvonnemccarthy.com     .„ø¤º°¨ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨„ø¤º°¨ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨

nana nae
on 7/15/09 2:34 am - JOLIET, IL
Congratulations on your choice of surgery and for your weight loss.  Just keep in mind that we've all or most of us has had WLS, We're all in the same boat and we're all looking to the future for a better healthy life. Keep up the good work the best is yet to come!
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