Are you struggling? I do too. (Letter of encouragement)

A friend posted the other day that she was struggling with making the right choices.  Finding herself eating foods she knows she shouln't and more than she should.  She asked why I've been so successful and what my motivation has been to keep moving forward.  I posted this on a Yahoo group and was asked to share it here.  I realize that some of this message deals with "fills" which is a lap band thing but "head hunger" and finding a way toward healthy living is something we all have in common.  If this helps, great.  If you'd rather skip it, I won't be offended.  ====================== I'm sorry you are struggling with "head hunger".  I'm sure you have read some of my posts where I have mentioned I, too, struggle with the same thing.  I started reading The Beck Diet Solution and even started seeing a therapist.  My worry, I know how to lose weight -- burn more calories than I consume.  I do pretty well in "diet mode" but I struggle when I am at goal and just trying to maintain.  I also find that I seek food in the evenings when I am bored or get cravings when I am sad.  //I am finding myself binging on food even though I am in a good fill level.// I'd say that the "binging" is head hunger.  Admitting it here and to yourself is a big first step.  Figuring out why might be a good 2nd.  Eventually, you are going to have to stop yourself.  That might happen in the middle of binging and eventually might happen before.  //I binge on soft foods all the time and feel like I cannot control my self or use the excuse like..I'll start tomorrow.// First of all, you never have to wait until tomorrow.  You can start NEXT MEAL.  Another suggestion, start PLANNING your meals and plan them with REAL FOOD(s) instead of soft foods.  You know exactly what you are doing to thwart your band's efforts at controlling your portion sizes.    You said earlier you are at a good fill level.  I don't determine whether my fill level is right or not by what I can "get away" with eating.  For me, it's whether I feel hungry between meals.  I try to eat a measured portion (1 to 1 1/2 cups of food) every 3 to 4 hours.  I try to make each meal consist of a lean protein (3 or 4 ounces), a whole grain and a fresh fruit or vegetable.  The whole grain being optional, the fresh fruit or vegetable and lean protein being required.   The fact that you CAN eat pizza, chinese food and other bad foods isn't really the issue.  The fact that you choose to consume them is.  We all enjoy the same foods we did prior to surgery.  I know I allow myself to have foods I enjoy occaisionally.  What's the point of living a healthy lifestyle if we never get to eat foods we enjoy ever again?  My challenge -- defining and adhering to occaisionally!  For me, that's once or twice a month.  There's a point where it becomes weekly or daily.  That's certainly not once in a while anymore.  But each of us has to figure this out for ourselves.    I think a major error I made, and it sounds like you might be making, is I used to eat what I was in the mood for.  Whatever struck my fancy.  Unfortunately, my tastes run toward the rich, savory, sugary and fried.  Certainly not the lean protein, fresh fruit or vegetable and whole grain I mentioned above.  So I don't ask myself what I'm in the mood for anymore.  Because I KNOW the answer won't be a healthy one.  It won't help me reach my goal of being healthy.  Instead, I think "what's the lean protein?", "what's the fresh fruit or vegetable?" and "what's the whole grain?" at each meal.  When I dine out, I go through the exact same thought process.  Sometimes, I look at a restaurant's menu online to see what lean protein (grilled or baked fish, lean chicken, etc.) they have available.  Trust me, these aren't the most delicious meals I have ever eaten, although they are quite tastey.  They aren't the most savory but I do try to find recipes that don't taste like diet food, that are flavorful but that don't make me gain weight.    You asked what my biggest motivation was.  I think for me, seeing my mother die at 58 because she was too stubborn to change her lifestyle.  She took the medications her doctor prescribed (when she felt like it) but didn't change her eating and certainly never started to exercise or even walk.  She died a young woman.  She put her own wants (food) before her children and grand-children and robbed them of a lifetime of happiness and even getting to know what a wonderful person she was.  For me, that was my wake up call.  At least the beginning.  My doctor also got so fed up with my weight that he actually yelled at me during my annual physical.  I've never had a doctor yell at me before but... there's a point where my denial about my weight being an issue had to stop and I had to aknowledge his genuine concern.    Before I had my lap band, I had to journal what I ate and met with a dietician to review my journal.  I was brutally honest.  Being willing to hear what they had to say and surrender my will to someone else and TRY their suggestions was really difficult but I did this before banding.  I went back and reviewed what worked and what didn't.  We discussed what fruits and vegetables I liked and didn't like and they gave me ideas on different ways to prepare them and also to think about them.  Cutting out sweets from your diet can make fruit tastes incredibly sweet and can make it seem like a real treat or dessert.  Again, is a pear as sweet as chocolate pie?  No.  But I can eat a pear and enjoy the sweetness of it without the guilt that goes along with binging on sugary snacks.  That, and, you physically can't eat enough apples to get the same calories that are in a snickers bar.  They pack alot of calories in such a small package.  Again, for me, it was trying to find a new way to live, eat and even think about food because, obviously, the old way wasn't working for me.   I'd suggest you do this simple exercise.... close your eyes and try to imagine yourself a year from now.  you have learned to plan healthy meals, plan healthy snacks so that you are not hungry.  you have started moving your body more everyday and now, a year later, you have lost all the weight you wanted to lose.  you are the size, shape and weight you'd like to be.   - What would your life be like?  - What kinds of activities would you be able to do that you cannot do today?  - What would you be wearing?  - How would your life be different?  better?   Make these things MEASURABLE.  Not just "I'd feel better" or "I'd be more healthy" because 20 or 30 lbs can make you feel a bit better.  Make them tangible, measurable and meaningful.  This exercise was HUGE for me.  Wanting to be able to fit in an airplane seat, to not worry about what bathroom I used or worry about where I was going to sleep because my back hurt.  Being able to participate in life and not jus****ch it from the sidelines were all very important to me.  It made me reflect alot on how my life had gotten away from me and I just accepted what happened.  I realized I could change it and make it anything I wanted it to be.  You can too!  I am hardly anything special.  I have never played sports, exercised regularly or been thin.  I have been heavy since I was 8 years old.  I just wanted to change more than I wanted to eat the foods I had conditioned myself into thinking were good and good for me.  I had convinced myself that food was my friend.  That it gave me comfort when, in reality, it brought me nothing but "instant gratification" but long term misery.   I truly believe that Nothing TASTES as good as being thin FEELS.  That I have to remind myself of this regularly.  I put the answers to the questions above on my refrigerator.  I hung my fat picture on my bathroom mirror and made it the "desktop" on my computer.  I wrote the words -- "Never again" on them and I made that promise to myself.    I think we have to LOVE OURSELVES more than we love that sensation of instant gratification.  I believe you are absolutely worth the effort of writing this note, of reflecting back on my life before the band, during my weight loss and the struggles I've had.  I share this with you because I think we ALL are very similar.  Some may not struggle with food, some may.  Some not for as long and others longer.  But you've already given yourself a wonderful gift by having WLS.  This process (in my opinion) is 30% what we eat, 30% moving our bodies more and 40% attitude.  When you think about having to measure portions, PLAN healthy meals and not drink while eating... that 30% of what we eat is probably 10 - 20% the band.  That means 80 - 90% of this journey really falls on our shoulders.     Figuring out why we want to be thin or healthy is paramount.  For me, life is about thriving and living passionately not just getting by.  It's about experiences with other people not food.  It took me a while to figure that out.  Sometimes, I have to be reminded of that as well!   Only you and your surgeon can decide whether you need a fill.  Maybe you needed a "mental fill".  If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to lean on or just someone to bounce an idea off of, I'm just a note away.  I have certainly tapped the resources of this group alot during the last year.  I have grown so much but, it seems the more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know.  Being humble and admitting I don't have the answers keeps me from getting complacent with my band.   Mick  

all I can say is.... WOW dude.....  I think you've touched on a touchy subject for all of us in a very deep and meaningful post....  Thanks!

thank you for sharing that  - 2 yrs into my journey sometimes I get lost in the mental games and forget how awsome it feels to weight 200 pounds less and be able to move and do things danni

Great post!  I am barely beginning my journey and I know that head hunger is going to be my greatest challenge.  This is one that I'll save to read again when the urge is almost too strong to bear.  Thanks!  Mari

Loved your letter!  I am an RN and we frequently have overweight patients who we do NOT say anything to; don't want to "offend" them.  Figure that they already know they are overweight, right?  Not sure what the happy medium is.  Now we are required to ask everyone about smoking, but we never mention the weight.  Some people live to be offended, so it would be nice if we just asked everyone if they needed info on weight control or something so we could just say we have to ask everyone, just like we do with smoking.  Maybe I should just print out your letter & hand it out!    LOL! 

WOW, what a wonderful post!!!  You said it perfectly and it touched me.  This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear this morning.  Thank you!!

BRAVO!!! That was simply amazing and I am going to print that out so I can read it whenever I lose my focus or my way or whatever!!! Thanks! Erin

Great post and timely too! For me, attitude is 50% of the battle - if the attitude is right the rest is easy and choices, good choices, are a snap!

Great Post Mick! Hey, I was in Atlanta for 14 years! Love that place!

I just wanted to drop by an Invitation. It’s great to see other men out here. We make up such a small percentage (12%) Of the people having Weight Loss Surgery, But tend to reach our goal weights quicker and with less Or at least Different hassles than the Gals Due to Male physiology. Drop by the Men’s Message Board And check out what other men like you are going through. It’s a diverse make up of Dads, Singles, Older, younger, etc… Pre-Ops, Post-Ops new and some Old (at Goal) Post-Ops. Lap-Banders, RNY’ers DS, etc… Great bunch of guys with the mutual understanding That WLS for Men, can be a totally different Journey. Stop by to add your questions, advice, opinions, and info at- http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/men/

It’s Great to know we’re not so alone, And that there are others pulling for you. Hope to see you ‘Round the Boards! Best Wishes- Dx