OT: My BF cheated 2 days after my surgery

You have proof that he's not a compassionate lover and regardless of whether you believe his lies, he has cheated on you.  Why else would he have got a hotel room.  Why would he be looking for sex with others online.  Trust YOUR heart . . . .YOU know.  There's this thing that humans do to protect themselves from being busted, we lie about it!  AND not only do we lie about what we're being accused of we try our darndest to make the accuser feel guilty or crazy for making such claims!  TRUST ME, if you think he's cheating and you have found any small piece of evidence he most likely is cheating.  I completely understand how hard it is to survive on your own with kids, but it's really no life for you or the kids.  AND if he wants sex with others so badly, let him have it!  Just don't let him have it with you anymore . . . .go get tested and kick his butt out!   Just tell him that you know he had a hotel room and the night that he was there and you could even tell him how much he paid for it.  You don't have to reveal your source . . . he's not entitled to know how you know!  And regardless of how much proof you throw at him, he'll deny it until there are pictures.  Take it from someone who has been there done that and survived to tell about it! Only you can make the decision to stay, but if he shows no remorse, common compassion or honesty when you have your talk tonight, then you'll know his intentions for you are purely selfish and we are all better that that! Good luck, I'll pray for you . . . .if you are a praying woman, it might do you good to pray as well. God Bless you!

Find some self esteem and leave him... Do it for YOU and for your kids... this is NOT OK on any level. It is 1000x better to be alone than it is to be a part of this disfunctional relationship. 

 Facing your problems is the begining......... HE is not happy.....let him go... You have been supporting the family....with him gone...the financial situation could get better. IF the kids are his...he should be expected to help with their expenses..... YOU have your proof....another bank account...hotel room...dinner...personal ad........WHAT more do you need?? This is hard...but girlie...you will come out the winner in this situation........ IF you love him enough to let him go.... then HE might just wake up and realize what a great woman he has at home..... Sometimes men and women go through "stuff"..........always try to work it out.........but heartache HURTS.......STRESS hurts and letting go of someone you love HURTS.  Your boyfriend made his desisions and NOW you must make yours......... WE are all here......... WE ALL CARE! I wish you the very best! Leticia

Neither of us has been happy for a very long time.  we just ignored it and tried to make things work for the sake of our family.  I haven't been in love with him for a  long long time, so it's really not about loving him enough to let him go.  I gave him the option on more than one occasion, and he always wanted to stay.  I was too afraid to be on my own again and didn't have any fight in me to try and salvage the relationship, so I just let things be.  We are both at fault for certain things, but he made the decision to cheat, thinking I'd never find out.  It does hurt, but I've been hurt far worse and made it through, so I know I can make it thru this.  It's great to have found this site. Everyone is always so supportive of eachother, and we've got a common bond of surgery.  My experience outside of here (so far) has been that people ask a lot of questions, and some are supportive, some aren't but no one really understands what you are going thru and how it affects your entire life.  I really appreciate all of your support.

If I were you, I'd stop tipping my hand, PRONTO. Drop the subject whilst you gather your ammo. The more you push him, the more secretive he's going to be and the harder to prove what a dick he's been.

Because he's manufacturing you being with some guy, your BF seems dangerous to me. This is war. Make sure you're doing nothing that could be taken negatively, if taken out of context.

I'd clean up the house a little, but not knock yourself unless it's gross and unhealthy. If you do too much, he'll be on to you. He'll notice the winds have changed and you don't want him to notice that.

Make copies of his cell phone bill, your phone bill, his credit card bills, his bank account statements.

You should get a PO Box, have mail you don't want him to have access to sent to it.

He's screwing around...let him. You don't care at this point. Document, document, document. Go to an attorney as soon as you can. You'll be much better off if he never knows what hits him.

Why do you think he would want custody? Most men in his position would want the freedom to screw around. Why do you think he would be granted custody? It sounds like there would be zero grounds for this. The messy house is BOTH your responsibility. At least that's what its says in MY handbook.

-Cynthia

[edit - typo repair] 

When my ex was cheating he tried very hard (and almost succeeded) to convince me that I was crazy. Well, I guess maybe I was crazy as a fox like my grandma used to say. Once I had proof that he was cheating, I said nothing. I went and opened a new bank account at a completely different bank and moved my money into that. I consulted an attorney, told him the whole story and laid out a gameplan. Then I just counted the days (about 10****il ex was served with divorce papers. My attorney even included a temporary restraining order that said he had one chance to come get clothes and personal items and then had to stay 100 yards away from me, the kids and the house. I took everything but his truck, clothes and his small boat! Of course I also had to keep some of the shared debt but whatever- I got the kids, house, dog, furniture, my car, etc.

So my advice is to be very methodical even though you are hurting. Open your own account and move your money so he doesn't clean you out. Consult an attorney and formulate a plan. My house looks like a tornado hit it most of the time and I still have my kids. I'm sorry you are going through this but you can do it!

you know what I would do? I wouldn't say a thing to him.  Clean the house, go to the attorney on the sly and get everything you can get into your name and when everything is going your way.  Say bye.  Just don't get into a fight because like everyone says it is not good for you.  You don't need him.  You are your own person now, live for you and your kids.  But I wouldn't say a thing about his affairs or anything.  Just get rid of the bum when you have everything in your name.  I am so sorry.  I went through the same thing with my first husband and it isn't fun.  Good luck sweetie.

Be nice, nice to him and in a little while tell him you need a vacation to visit your family.  Grab  your kids and run...hide out with your family and if he is still working part-time there is no way he could affort chasing you down.  Also go to court in CA and get full custody.  The guy has to be nuts wanting full custody of an 18 month old boy.  they are a handful at that age. If things get hairy tonight just get your kids and leave, go to a police station they will find you shelter for the night. Best of luck

You mean to say that he can't pay the bills but he can take someone to dinner and a hotel ???? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!!! Time to go......You can do it yourself you have been providing for your children alone already for some time now. Be brave and follow your best minds thought Good luck to you.

Keeping a messy house is NOT grounds for losing your kids!  Unless you are into illegal activities (drugs, prostitution, drug dealer, etc....)he can not take your kids.  And considering he isnt even really working and you are the main bread winner...  He isnt going to take your kids!  Confront him with the facts no matter how you obtained them!  Kick the cheating ******* to the curb !  No one deserved to be treated like that and you are not doing your kids any favors staying the your current situation!  You took the step to save your life with surgery.......Take the step to save yourself and your kids! Good Luck!