OT: My BF cheated 2 days after my surgery

So this story would be way too long if I told u everything, so I'll give a brief synopsis.  My BF and I live together and the relationship has been rocky for a while.  He wasn't too supportive when I decided to have the surgery, he said he was, but we all know actions speak louder than words.  I got home from the hospital and he figured since I was home, he would work extra hours ( and leave me alone with my 7 yr old and 18 mo old)  Sat or Fri night he didn't come home all night.  He came up to the bedroom aaround 8am fully clothed.  He claimed he was home around 2, but slept on the couch.  Well, I went out of town this past weekend and when I picked up my mail, I just went thru it like normal.  I got to the bank statement and was shocked to see the wierd charges.  Turns out, it was his personal account, not our joint account.  There was a $100 charge for a hotel room and dinner on 3/11 and 3/12.  I called the hotel and they confirmed it takes 3-4 daysfor a charge to appear and that coincides with the night he did not come home.  There was also a charge for an adult personal ad website.    So, today I joined the site in question, ran a search and sure enough there was his profile seeking casual sex w/o commitment, talking about his fantasies and how horny he is.  I know what drove him there was me never wanting to have sex and refusing him all the time.  mainly because of my bein so uncomfortable in this big body. I confronted him about 2 weeks ago with my suspicion that he was cheating or had cheated (due to the night he never came home, tons of text messaging, not coming home, a wierd phone call and so on)  and he laughed in my face. Claiming he is too good of a man because he hasn't cheated although he could have.   On top of finding out he's cheating, he was fired last july and has only been wroking part time since december.  Prior to that I was the only one working and paying nearly everything.  He paid half the rent, but that was it.  In Jan or Dec he started paying all the rent, and I still pay all other utilities, keep the kids insured, pay for day care and his car insurance.  So he owes me A LOT of money.    I'm in a tough spot because I just started a new job, the only people I really know here are him and his family (mines in Cali, we are in CT), i pushed way to hard after surgery and am taking longer to recover because of it and I do not want to lose my son.  I know he will fight me for custody, and could use my housekeeping and issues with my daughter (he's not her bio-dad) against me.   I have not been a great housekeeper at all and our house is often messy cuz I was tired from being the only one working (he is going to school 7 -1pm)  and he is just lazy.  I figure since I was working 2nd shift, then up with the baby all night, then getting my daughter to school, and caring for the baby til it was time for me to go to work...there was no time for me to do it.  Plus his way of pitchin in should have been to clean right? Anyway, I'm not sure how/when to confront him on this.  I need to print the ad, then I have proof he's cheating or at least tried to (if he denies it) I can't prove the hotel charge with out admitting i inadvertantly opened his mail.  Any advice would be apprciated.  I know I don't want to be with him but an worried about paying the rent, losing my son, etc.  If I do stay quiet and bust my butt to ensure the house is nice and stays nice while letting people like his family see it nice, how to I get around wanting to punch his lights out for being a cheating jerk???

staying in this kind of an upsetting environment is not healthy for you or your children. There are many different ways to go about this. Do you have any family members/friends that you can lean on?

I know, and that is y I don't want to continue like this.  i can get support from ym fam from far away.  It's just being alone here that will be hard.  He just sent me a text message saying he's not dumb, he figured out it was me who sent him the 'wink' on the adult personal ad website.  i said well, I knew something was going on so I went looking for some proof and found it.  He said he's not cheating jus****ches the videos. I sent back that I know he did so please stop lying.

OH MAN! im sorry your are dealing with this sweety.. but it doesnt sound to me (from what i have read) that he really cares about your feelings.. HE HAS AN OBLIGATION TO PAY. You can do this... I know it is hard with children etc.. maybe sit down and talk to him.. express ur emotions and how your scared etc.. but that you CAN NOT live like this.. HES GONNA BE ON YOUR TAILFEATHER in a couple of months let me tellu.. i just saw your pics and HES CRAZY to have cheated on you.. your BEAUTIFUL.. Listen im here for ya if you need me.. i know im a stranger but someimes support really does help..

I think stranger support is usually better because they are unbaised.  I know he doesn't care about my feelings.  He will NOT admit to cheating.  I haven't gotten up courage to admit to the mail reading.  Maybe he didn't do anything, but beliving that would just make me dumb, i think.  I sent him a message saying we need to talk tonight.  I cannot not not live like this.  you are right.  Thanks for saying i 'm beautiful. It helps.

Wow!  I think you need to slow down-not because you should stay with him but because you have so much going on at once.  I would let him know that you know he cheated, and then concentrate on improving yourself and getting ready for a great new life, with him or without him.

Hon, I'm sorry.   I don't care how "rocky" the relationship was- he's a dog for doing that to you when you were sick and needed tending to.  Is that the kind of person you really want in your life, someone who cannot be trusted, and who will take the opportunity to cheat when you are at your weakest and you needed his help?  Not only that, but he abandoned you when you were sick and needed him to pitch in and help with the kids-- HIS OWN CHILD, included???  NO-NO-NO!!!! I don't know what state you are in, but you are entitled to child support for the child you have together.  Here, it is called the Attorney General of Texas-- there, I have no idea.  But they will file the petition seeking child support, etc.  You don't need him, and he isn't worth the effort to try to salvage the relationship.  If he is placing ads and not being very careful, he could very well bring home a disease.  Get checked out ASAP. And I don't care how messy the house is, unless you are just completely unfit, abusive, alcoholic or drug addicted, it is unlikely the courts are going to give an 18 month old child to him-- especially considering his risky behavior.  If you can't locate the AG's office, call the nearest legal aide clinic for free or low cost legal help and get him OUT....  Good luck to you!  You deserve So much BETTER than what he is doing for you!!!

Thanks guys!  once he sent the text message (see above)  his last message said that his 'friend' saw me in waterbury nearly 2 years ago with a guy i was in a training class with. and said i'm a liar.  this is insane!  i guess i have to admit to reading the mail to bust him. sice he's still lying.

ya hes trying to TURN it on YOU know.. dont fight/argue with him.. hes just a jerk.. sorry for that but its true! All i have to say if my husband EVER cheated on me or spoke to me the way he has been speaking to you.. he BETTER BELIEVE his ass gets KICKED lol out the door that is... I mean u said above that you have been paying for everything anyway right? its time to get legal and cover yourself because it doesnt seem like he is the type to play "nice"

Get an attorney as soon as you can.  I doubt you could lose custody because of a messy house unless it posed a health hazard to your kids.    Don't let him bully you.  If he has cheated on you then you need to take an HIV test for your own protection.  He can only hurt you if you let him.  Plus you are wrong about "what drove him there".  he did this because he wanted to not because of anything you did or didn't do.  If that was the reason then you could have gone into joint counseling rather than him choosing to cheat on you. He is counting on your lack of faith in yourself.  This is not your fault.  he made the choice to do this.