OT~So Angry/Upset with my son

What a mess huh?  My youngest daughter is 17 and a junior in H.S.  She has changed her career choice a couple of times, though she does want to go on to school.  Now she has decided on becoming a surgery technician.  Your son should talk to the school counselor or one at a college/ technical college and get some career counseling.  That way he can see where his interests are and what kind of career would interest him.  Maybe he could go to technical college for a 2 year degree or go to a community college for the first two years, take the general courses and then transfer to a 4 year college to finish his degree.  No sense in going to a $30K a year college when he has no idea what he wants to do!  It's pretty late to get all his financial aid figured out for the fall term anyway.  He could maybe get it all done and start college at the 2nd semester.  In the mean time he can keep working to earn some money for school.  If he rebels and moves out, then tell him he is on his own!

 Dear Mama, Welcome to the Mamma Club of lifetime regrets. Our son is 44yrs. He has a Masters degree and is doiong yard work. he cannot get along with ANY employers for long before he is telling thme how to operate their comp.This has been going on for so long! At 34yrs. ,we had to purchase a home for him, inorder to move him out of our home. My heart goes out to you! Stand your ground! Do not give him any Vehicles,  Do not Fund his education, and make him WORK,WORK, AND WORK MORE! Di I sound hard hearted and non-caring? If you had been lied to, and used and refuse to let it happen again, then make changes N_O_W_! WE thought we were helping our only child, our son! Were we? Absolutely Not! Incidentally, If we had continued to pay all of the expenses he had while going to college, He would probably have gotten his PHD. Take him to the Ghetto, take him to a low rental housing group and just let him talk with some of the residents. Maybe, this will be an eyeopener! Our son has a Master's degree in Public Administration and is certainly capable of doing many, many positions with his degrees.  Being the Mother of this man, has certainly kept me prayed up and certainly still beoeiving that only God can change him and help me with this situation. I will certainly be praying for you and for your patience and understanding of your situation. Prayers with you! Love, Nenna 1950 open RNY 4/2002 wt.loss 131 lbs current wt. 116lbs. BMI 21  hgt. 5'2  64 yrs. P.S. Have the Son apply for Pell grants, and other  state Grants for college assistance!

Thank You everyone for your replies. I've not really had it in me tonight to respond to each and every one of you, but I do THANK YOU ALL for your responses. I left him a not on his desk,  he'll see it when he gets home from work. I just told him plain and simple that I just want him to have an easier life than I did and that I dont want him going through life living day to day wondering where he'll live or where his next meal will come from. I told him moving out and having nothing just want not an option and that the decision was his.....that's ALL I'm saying to him about that.

Hugs MOM

I know it's going to be hard for you, but just let your son figure things out for himself.  I was devastated when at 18 my daughter told me that she was not going to attend university.  After many tears I decided to let her be an adult.  She graduated high school and immediately got a full-time job.  Working for minimum wage and paying your own way, she discovered, sucks royally!  We charged her rent and made her pay her own bills.  We put the rent she way paying away for her so that if she did decide to go to school she'd have the money.  She's 20 now and is more than ready for university! 

I think your son met my son, atleast your son is going to graduate high school, I have been begging and pleading with mine to go get his GED since he quit.  That doesn't look like its going to happen either, hes still not found a job and doesn't exactly kill himself looking.  My son has no ambition but hes definately got caviar taste as long as Mom is paying.  I wouldn't ever encourage the military though, just the idea of my son in Iraq makes me shiver to think about.  Although I am sure the discpline the military affords would do him a world of good.  I guess some things are just out of our hands, they have to learn some of lifes lessons the hard way, and not having an education is really something that comes back to haunt you.  I can't tell me son anything because he knows everything.  So I am letting him do things his way for the time being until he realizes I was right.  I am suggesting he go to culinary school because its a field you can go anywhere and work and hes always liked to cook.  I would even pay for it.  But hes got to take some responsiblity first before I just hand him a blank check.   Good Luck and try not to stress. Hugs Heidi

Let him move out. Let him taste what it will be to work for nothing and be dependent on others for transportation. Then when he comes to you to talk, be open, and try to help him find a way to attend school. He should have applied to several schools and for financial aid. He still can, and attend in December, if he can't get in late for September.  Only you know if you want to help him attend the school of his choice. Only you know if loans will give him the boost he needs to attend school and succeed.  My son moved out when he turned 18. He came back home 4 weeks later, tired, hungry, no clean clothes and he lost his cell phone. Then we worked out a plan for school, work, transportation and a phone. He learned a lot in 4 short weeks. So take a deep breath, think about what you're willing to do, and what you need from him in order to back him towards his goals, once he defines them. He probably needs help with that too. And the risk of the military for my baby boy is just too great. He's too young and your son probably is too.  This is a hard task ahead, I hope it works out in everyone's best interest.

My youngest(now 19) won State Wrestling Championship as a Senior in HS. Day after he won State he went into office and withdrew from school. Who the HELL withdraws with 10 weeks to graduation???????? Then in May with 4 weeks left in school year...he decided he wanted to get his diploma through the Independent Study Program. He had missed the cut off date by a week...but the principal of program decided to give him a chance. Could he get 2.5 credits in 4 weeks and graduate???? YES>>>HE DID IT...not only that he kept his GPA above 3.0 so he still qualified for his Millenium Scholarship($10,000) towards college.  So moms of know it all teenagers...THERE IS HOPE FOR THEM. I have a TON of grey hair but there is hope!!!

I'm 55 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!!!! Seriously, I have a decent job, but if somebody told me that they would pay for my education and do whatever I'd like, I would not have a clue as to what I would really want to do.

The focus on kids lately has been to get them out of high school and into college. And lets face it, unless you are in the top 5% of the kids in the the school, you don't really get direction from the counselors, etc.

Maybe he needs the time to figure out what he wants to do. Could it be he is so undecided that he feels too much pressure at home and just does not want to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think any kid should get a free ride. However, maybe he needs some time to research the different careers out there. Has he ever been tested to see what his basic stregnths and weaknesses are petaining to what sort of vocation he is looking for? And keep in mind recruiters from schools and the military are recruiters. The will tell you anything to get you in. (It's still a sales job. My daughter worked as recruiter for a college and some of the other recruiters would lie like ****!)

When my son was in high school he was in the same boat. He went to a local state college for a year. Decided that was not for him. (Keep in mind that all through high school he wanted to go to the military, but being a mom, I didn't want that for him.) After taking classes in two other schools, he joined the air force, became an MP and now works in law enforcement. Also,
eventhough my son had the GI bill, it does not pay for all your college--that is what they want you to think. My son still had 20+K in student loans and he worked at a good part time job to pay his other expenses, such as rent.

So, in essence he finally did what was good for him. I should have never tried to keep him from joining, but I figured, hey, he's 17- what does he know. Turns out--more than me!!!!!

Let your son work for $7.00 per hour. Tell him he can stay with you as long as he seriously researches career choices . Make him pay you some rent- even if only minimal. You can put it away for him for school expenses , if you want to. Eventually, he will make a decision to get on with his life. However, I would make it manditory that he has a maximum of year to figure it out.

I'm currently an orientation leader at a state university and I have to say that 75% of the college freshman I meet have no idea what they want to do and 15% of those who do know change their mind atleast once in college. Changing majors is common amongst college students, but their are so many opportunities w/in the university to find our passions and desires in life. Even if he doesn't want to go to a big university convince him to take some classes at a local college. He should take classes he thinks he might be interested in making a career out of. Chances are if doesn't like the intro class he wont like the major. He can also utilize the career services or student development departments. They do things like offer free helpful worksops for students, help students perfect their resume', and even help them decide what to do with their life. He has options. Trust me. But while every parent wants their child to be a college grad, one thing to remember is that college is not for everyone, but it is a place everyone can find themselves and their future. So, don't worry eventually he WILL find his way!! I wish him the best!! =]]

I know exactly what you are going through.  My wonderful sweet daughter who never did anything but make me proud did a 180 degree turn at 17.  She suddenly decided she was "grown" and actually moved out with the boyfriend from hell she met and I tried to stop her from seeing.  I was heart broken.  Worse I knew he was treating her awful and she would call me up crying and say she was coming home and then change her mind.  Anyway, by smart advice, I always let her know that she could come home and that I felt she would someday realize that she is better off coming home and away from him.  Finally after almost a year to the day, she just asked to come home.  She came home.  We moved up here about 5 months later.  She lives at home and is almost finished with her AA now.  She is almost 21 and a straight A student in college.  She works and helps out with the bills.  She wants to continue her education in criminal psychology and work with troubled teens some day. The moral of this story is... sometimes you have to have faith that you are a good mom and have raised them right.  They may falter and make mistakes, but just let them know that if they fall on their face they can come home.  Call his bluff.  Tell him fine you want to move out and not go to college then lets start saving for that now.  Sit down with him and figure out what it would cost him to be on his own. Divide it into a weekly amount.  Tell him starting next week you are going to open a savings account for him.  Tell him he is to start paying you the amount it will cost him to live on his own per week each Friday.  You will put that in a savings account for him.  He is only allowed to make deposits, no withdrawels.  If by the time he graduates he is able to still "'support" himself and he wants to move out, Great he has a deposit for his own place etc.. Believe me after about 3-4 weeks of trying to pay his own way he will realize just how hard it is to live on your own.  Surprise , Surprise he will probably be glad he can live at home. My daughter now is ready to get her own place for her own independence.  She says I am stuck with her though for a while because it is just so hard on your own.  I am glad her education is coming first.  My son is now 16 and learned the lesson through watching his sister.  He is now saying always, I got to get my stuff together, I need to go to college. Also there are alot of financial aid out there, especially if they start out in a community college and after AA go to the bigger University.  Take him to the community college one day unexpectedly and get him pumped up to go there.   Hope this helps.  Just a fellow mom who knows how hard it is always being right.  They can't see the forest for the trees at that age.  He will come around. Jeri