OT~So Angry/Upset with my son

I'm not sure if I'm angry, mad, upset or hurt right now. My son who will just be turning 17 1/2 when he graduates High School May 20 has me so PO'd I could just spit nails.  In 11 wks he will be graduating from high school. Guess what his plans are? He doesn't know...Guess what he wants to do after high school? He doesn't know. Does he want to go to college? He doesnt know. I think it's pretty clear that after all his BS stories he does NOT want to join the military. Then he walks in my office today and announces that after he graduates he's moving out. I asked where to and you will NEVER guess where??? He doesn't know.....So I announce back to him, "If you move out after HS with NO plans you will have NO truck and NO cell phone. He said "OK". Then he says, well I have friends I can stay with. ANd I said, "what friends? and just how long do you THINK their parents are going to let you hang at their house and just how many of those parents do you THINK are going to carry your ass back and forth to work every day"? And of course I got "I dont know".  The boy wants to go to a college that is over $30,000 for like 1yr. Ummm, not happen, I dont have that kind of money and I'm NOT taking out loans. Your best bet? the military and get your college for free. He says nope, not happenin. I asked him just how far did he think $7/hr will get him....Atleast he said "Not far".  All I want is my son to have future plans beyond High School. Something more than just flying by the seat of his pants or just getting by in life. What the heck is he thinking?? MOM

He sounds like a lot of kids - and while I understand your frustration - I have a feeling he's telling the truth - he doesn't know what to do. Military - can't blame him on that one - but as for other plans - well - what are his options. I would suggest that someone who can be more neutral be made available to talk to him - because he knows you're angry so he's not going to want to talk and explore ideas with you. Lots of kids his age are directionless - and I recall being that age - when I got a lot of resistance and anger - I shut down. Sounds like that's what he's doing. Of course your upset - but why hurt - do you think he's deliberately trying to provoke you? Try to focus and identify your feelings without acting them out with him. When my mother was angry with me I never wanted to tell her anything. I imagine he's pretty scared himself right now. Susan

speaking as someone who is twenty something and alittle closer in age to your son. Trust me he'll either learn how hard it is and come running back to Mom. In which case you can gloat privately or publicly, or he will learn some responsibility and do really well in which case you can be super proud of him and the and the fine job you have done as his mother. Also as for what hes thingkin. He is 17 I really don't think he is thinking. At that age you fill invincible and life is all about fun. Best wishes hon you'll get through this!

I understand your frustration, but this is something HE has to figure out for himself.  You can't make these decisions for him, as he won't adhere to them anyway from the way it sounds.   It is unfortunate you want only the best in life for him, and that he is not ready to see that, but there is nothing in this world you can do about that.  As harsh as that sounds, and I definately don't mean to sound that way when you are feeling like this, but he may change his mind.  And if he doesn't...you just need to know you did the best you could and tried to direct him. You are a good mom, and don't let this be any type of hint in the fact that you weren't.  We can only do so much.  And you did what you could. Blessings and HUGS, Katy

I don't know if the military is the best bet, especially in these dangerous and uncertain times.  He's able to take out his OWN student loans, isn't he?  

I feel your pain, he sounds very much like my son did at that age.  After going in and out of school, never earning a degree and being in the National Guard for 2 "tours" he only last year (at age 27) figured out what he wanted to do with his life.  He's finally on the road and I couldn't be happier.  I just let go and let God, for lack of a better phrase. 

Sometimes instead of getting your panties in wad you just have to step back and let them make their own mistakes.  You've done your part.  Try not to get too many gray hairs over this.  

-Cynthia 

My husband is a recruiter for the army, if I can track down any info for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

We all go through that period of finding ourselved, he will get there eventually.....

I'm sorry to hear whats going on but some teenagers think they know it all and your right they think they have friends that will be there to do what you do for them but they just have to see for themselves that life isn't that easy. Both my boys joined military and were sent to Iraq together that was hard for me to have them both over there at same time but my 23 year old bought him and his wife a house and went to college to be an electrician and still has money put away but my 22 year old came home wasted his money on all his so called friends who would say loan me well those loans should of been give me because nobody paid him back I told him see you thought you had friends he had to learn the hard way. I use to stress about all his bad habits and his attitude as to not listen like I dont know anything so now I just sit back and I told him I am not going to stress over his stupidity that he will learn sooner or later and he is learning now. I wish you the best and believe me I can relate to what your feeling.

I didn't know what I wanted to do at that age either.  I went to college.  I don't blame him for not wanting to go in the military.  You're much more likely to get dead than get a college education. Linda

Being proactive helps somewhat.  Here is a suggestion.  Go to a bookstore and go to the career section.  Purchase a book that has 1001 careers.  They list what jobs are available, give job descriptions, and gi ve qualifications necessary.  Make him read 3 pages of the book per day and monitor this.  Have him write down his top 25 interests as far as jobs go.  Some kids really do not know what is out there to do for a living.  This will help you narrow down the kind of things he is interested in doing in order to pick out the correct STATE School for him to attend.  Hopefully it will set him on a goal path.  Tell him it is always ok to change your goals during your 20s, but it is never ok not to have a goal.  Make him write down his goal of the week and print it out on a certificate size paper and hang it in his room.  Ask him monthly, casually, if his goal needs to be updated or changed.  Remind yourself that this goal will change a lot and don't be frightened.  If he will not work with you on this then put him on the 1890 plan.  After he turns 18 he has 90 days to get in a college or get out on his own somehow with no assistance from you.  Stick to it.  See how long before he comes back.  Tell him you will give him no money or financial support unless he is in college and making acceptable grades.  Stick to it even if he has to live under a bridge!  The minute he sees he can play on your sympathies, your life and his will become a living, enabling hell!

A seventeen year old boy is pretty much fourteen or fifteen in terms of his emotional development.  He simply hasn't the maturity to plan for his future.  I doubt you really want him in the service while the nation's at war.  At least it's still volunteer.  I think the military is good for lots of directionless young men.  It teaches them self-discipline and responsibility, but I think that right now is not the time to enlist.  My son-in-law did a tour in Iraq, and it's horrible to watch the news when you really have no idea where your boy is.  'Course, it's true, none of us are promised tomorrow, but you really don't want him in the line of fire. I think you're right to withhold privileges that are earned by a demonstration of maturity, such as holding a job, paying rent on time, saving for the future, or enrolling in college.  Obviously, your boy is planning to go absolutely nowhere.  He'll probably get there, and realize he needs to make new plans.  It sounds like he has an interest in college - can't someone steer him to a nice community or state college that isn't so expensive? My pastor said something to me the other day.  We were talking about having clear boundaries when it comes to adult children.  Then, she said, "Sometimes, you have to let them fly on broken wings."  I thought that was pretty profound.