feeling like a screw up and a failure. sorry but it's true...

i've been reading the boards this morning and i've noticed a lot of people talking about "goal" and "wow moments" and stuff like that and how happy they are to have the weight off, etc. for some reason though, this is triggering a feeling in me that is absolutely ludicrous!! i feel like a failure. i feel that i've screwed up my "tool" and i'm on the precipice of some horrible disaster that will cause me to regain every single solitary ounce that i've lost.

i think mostly the reason i'm feeling this way though is not actually because of the posts. i feel this way because of the weirdness going on in my abdomen. i know i shouldn't feel like this, especially since the weirdness in my abdomen isn't actual "fat" or anything but i look in the mirror and i see this huge, hard bulge in the lower half of my abdomen and it freaks me out and makes me want to just lay down in the floor and cry my head off.

i went to my pcp this past friday and when i asked her about this (again!!) she told me (again!!) that she thinks i'm just "full of crap". (<--- that's a direct quote!!!) she thinks that i need to take a laxative and then i'll lose about 10+ pounds and she came to this diagnosis without even touching or looking at my abdomen. since sunday i have taken 22 dulcolax tablets. (2 at a time and spaced out over the course of these many days.) and YES! i have had many many MANY bm's. yet my abdomen is still hard and still protrudes and still causes me to have to wear pants two sizes larger than without the "bulge".

i'm literally about to lose my mind over this. my eyes are welling up with tears as i type this and i just don't even know what to do anymore. i can feel a panic attack coming on yet i'm completely powerless to stop it. i'm scheduled for an exploratory laparoscopy with my obgyn on valentine's day and hopefully he can fix whatever is wrong (endometriosis? fibroids? something else???) but what if that isn't the answer? what if??? he!!, what if whatever's wrong gets way worse between now and valentine's day and i don't even make it to HAVE the exploratory lap???

and add to that the fact that my b12 and vitamin d are both extremely low and i'm just one mell of a hess right now! i called my surgeon's office the other day to at least let them know that my vitamin d and b12 were extremely low and the nurse called me back and said that i'm taking the wrong vitamins. umm... you don't even know what vitamins i'm taking!! der!! how can they be "wrong" if you don't even know what i'm taking? her reply? "you should ALWAYS be taking the bariatric advantage vitamins NO MATTER WHAT!" ok fine but the bariatric advantage vitamins come back up whenever i take them so isn't it better to take a vitamin that will stay down rather than one that won't?? because at least then i'm getting SOMETHING, right??

but they aren't concerned about my vitamin d or my b12 OR the weirdness in my abdomen. my pcp says i'm full of crap and my surgeon says i'm taking the wrong vitamins and i'm eating too much. HELLO!!! how the crap is 500-600 calories a day TOO MUCH??? god i'm crying now! i gotta go...

I am so sorry that you are going through this I pray that the Drs. will get you straightened out real soon. God Bless You Mini Me

Wow, I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. Your abdomen....is there pain involved? Could it possibly be a hernia? I know that my upper abdomen was a hard lump (whereas the lower was just sag)...but it was my muscle which was somewhat protruded, after having 2 c-sections and the weight gain etc.....this was corrected when I had my belt lipectomy though. As for being full of crap, well....(ok, no bad jokes today) it is possible, but you may want to actually have a cleansing done through a doctor at the hospital...taking too many laxatives is NOT the safest way to do this and not the most effective way either. No matter what it turns out to be, I hope you get answers soon. I wish there was something I could say to get you out of the funk though. Those days suck. I still get them now and then too...it's normal. Hope you feel better soon.

no pain involved except when i get the cramps from the laxatives. idk about the hernia but i think it's possible. i've had one before and had it repaired when i had my gall bladder removed 6 months ago but i didn't even know i had it until i was coming out of anesthesia and they told me that he fixed it. and when i went to my 1 year check-up in november he checked my abdomen and said "no hernias" but it's possible that it developed later on or that it was one that he couldn't "feel". but idk... it just sucks to keep telling these medical professionals over and over and over that something is WRONG and to keep getting the same response(s) from them. if i was more "unstable" than i already am it's entirely possible that i would take my life at this point. (<---i AM unstable but not THAT unstable so don't freak out, ok? lols!!)

You better not be that unstable :-) But I know what you mean....felt that way myself at times, for different reasons. You know, it is possible then that it is a hernia, especially if you had one once before that presented no pain. As for trying to get through to doctors...LOL...they really hate being told how to do their jobs eh? But it's kind of like telling someone the truth when all they've ever known were lies....they just can't see the forest for the trees. You'll get answers, because I know you won't give up. As for being a failure, not even close, you've done well, and you're realistic...remember the before and you'll enjoy the now much more :-)

thanks hon i feel a little better now. still frustrated but i DO feel somewhat better. i only wish my doctors would take the time to HEAR what i'm saying like you guys do, lols!!

Good, feeling better is the first step :-)

honey im sooo sorry u have to be going thru that... i think u need a 2nd opinion, because obviously they know no****t they're doin!!!! be patience everythin has a solutiion......   as for u being a failure!!!!!!!!!!!! U R NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  u have come such a long way, dont give up on yourself....... think of all the success u've had...... it'll gett better........ if u need to talk, im here........ all my contact info's beneath..............

I am so sorry that you are going thru this but I would definitely call your WLS doc.  They know this much better than many other types of drs.  Let us know how you're doing. Hugs, Susan

I don't have the answers you are looking for...just wanted you to know that someone in cyberland just said a special prayer for you.....