Where does the money come from to EAT!!!!!????

Thanks Jackie for your comment I apologize to anyone who has misinterpreted my post...I am truly sorry...like I said I was curious and thought I would throw out a question....This is probibly why I dont do this that often...It seems like SOMEONE ....SOMEHOW...will take offense to something that is said..... In Peace Stacey

Jackie:  I for one, think your post was 100% fine.  In fact, I think you're asking the question all of us thinks about, but doesn't say out loud. No one can be 100% PC 100% of the time or we'd never learn anything about ourselves or each other.  I am constantly baffled -  how come the family of someone who is bedridden feeds them.... which is the same questions as "OMG, look at that poor 7 year old girl, why don't her parents take some control because don't they know what it will be like for her when she's an adult?" (speaking from experience obviously...) Or another essentially the same question: "MOM, you know I am working my A$$$ off to try to lose weight, how come you just showed up at my house with chocolate chip cookies and cheesecake... UGHHH" We all show we love our family in the weirdest of ways... often ways that are maladaptive. You asking the question is in no way inappropriate.  Every post has the potential of being misconstrued or offensive, new people to the boards should really think carefully before sending negative or flaming emails about the effects they will have.  I think I Chicks way of commenting was great, and going back to clarify that she wasn't upset, just expressing her views.  Especially when it's just the typewritten word, it's always easy to read into something and become upset. Thanks for sticking here and keep posting. Best, Kim

When someone says "how can someone..."  It always comes across as judgmental.  Did you actually expect someone to answer with statistics show that 20 percent of them have grants to pay for their food, 25 percent are gifted with the food, another percent get the food from their parents...?  This posts reminds me of a post one time that started how can people smoke those nasty disgusting cigarettes?  Yes that was judgmental. I know your intent wasn't to harm, but sometimes we have to look before we leap.  An example of this is my mom.  She is terminally ill and is under home Hospice care.  I know some people wonder why she is receiving the care when she is up and about.  Are they in her shoes?  Are they being denied care?  Does it affect them?  Loris

I too wondered why family and friends would keep bringing in food to someone who can't even clean up after themselves.  Money from disability usually is not that much either, I know.  Let us think about it.  If a baby cries when it does not get what it wants how much louder and nerve racking could an adult be?  They can use their minds to badger and guilt others into doing for them.  This is a form of control and abuse in itself.  I could be a b----h if I did not get what I wanted and sometimes people just figure fine eat yourself to death then.    As seen the one ordering out can have food delivered in baskets and haulded up to the bedroom  money in basket money out the window food in basket food in the window.    Those considering surgery need to look at themselves and those who support/don't .  How badly do they want the changes are they willing to do what needs to be done?     I have been watching Big Medicine and Allen made it through surgery but has had to learn new coping skills.  It is taking more than a smaller pouch for him to get to where he is trying to get.  There is so much I want to say about this but all in all we are responsible for our own decisions.  If it goes in our mouths and we weigh xxx amount we know what it can do.  People can bring us food but we decide if it goes in us or not.

I think I have a perspective many of you probably don't have.  My brother in law (DH older brother) is SMO, and does not leave the house.  He also lives with my MIL.  He is still ambulatory, but it is getting to the point he will lose his mobility soon and seems like he will be bedbound.  My MIL is an enabler.  He has more issues than just health problems, he was a raging alcoholic for many years, prone to angry outbursts, etc., if she did not get him is bottle of liquor every week.  She justified it by saying it was just a bottle a week and it kept peace in her house.  Or her nerves could not take the confrontation.  she knew he needed help, but was too (fill in the excuse here-- too poor to afford help, etc., etc.)  She herself has only an 8th grade education, and sadly, will not do anything to improve her own life or her situation, despite repeated attempts by us to help her.  It's a no win situation.  So, they feed off each other.  He has cut back on the drinking, but upped the food intake.  He smoked for a while (and yes, she bought him cigarettes), but when he quit smoking, he ate even more.  My husband and I have repeatedly tried to get him to go see a doctor for depression, agoraphobia, or whatever it is that keeps him from leaving the house.  He won't go.  We have also tried to help them all out by getting him to apply for disability.  He won't even do that.  So, he lives off what income my MIL makes.  We are willing to help them by taking them where they need to go, helping them fill out forms, etc.  They won't even try. At one point, he was very ill with leg ulcers that bled and got infected.  He finally relented and went to a doctor with my husband for the first time in 20 years.  He had not been out of the house in probably 7 years or so before that.  He had to get some treatment for his leg every week for about 5 weeks, bandage changed etc.  We were encouraged that this might be a turning point for him, he decided to quit smoking and cut back on the drinking at that point.  We were hopeful that maybe he'd get the motivation to start walking more and get out.  He has not been out of the house since the last doctor visit, and that was about a year ago.  It is really sort of a pervasive mentality that is hard to understand unless you've been there.  My MIL is very anti social herself, refuses to drive outside of the tiny town she lives in.  When the one grocery store in town closed down, she still refused to drive to the next town over (10 minute drive) to buy groceries, instead she bought canned and boxed goods from the town's only Dollar Store.  We finally decided to stop enabling her.  She is in good health, has perfect vision and works a full-time job that is physically demanding.  So it is not a health or frailty issue.  If it were, we'd be more accomodating.  As it is, we offer once a month to take her grocery shopping with us when we go to SAM's club or do our big grocery shopping for the month.  (we have 5 kids).  She wouldn't go with us.  I finally got fed up with my husband running to do her errands for her when she was perfectly able, and basically told him his own family came first, and she could either go when it was convenient for us, or do it on her own.  She chose not to go with us to get healthier fare at the grocery store, and stocked up on Dollar Stores snacks, hamburger helpers, chips, etc.  Again, not making decisions based on health or welfare, just what is easiest and cheapest for her.  It is not strictly a monetary issue either.  She owns her own home and works full time, recieves a pension check from her late husband, and her car is paid for and she has no credit card bills or other bills  other than utilities and groceries. So, at least in this case, it is a multi-layered problem.  Not just the SMO person who is home bound, but the foundation for this was probably set in place by parents who had their own issues.  My brother in law did not get to be 600+ lbs over night.  He was a MO child, SMO teenager, etc.  In his elementary pictures, you can see a child who is very unhappy.  My DH tells me of his childhood days when his mom would bake 10-12 pies at a time and have him and his friends over to eat whatever they wanted.  She fixed fried pork chops, gravy, biscuits, green beans with bacon or lard added, and chocolate pie for dessert, with a big 'ole glass of sugar sweetened iced tea.   Now, the health problems are so apparent, and we all know that the weight is killing my bil.  My DH is also MO, but active, and that helps.   My MIL continues to order pizza, buy fried chicken,  and uses her "fry daddy" just about every week.  It is sad, sad, sad.  We all know that one day he is going to die in that house, or have to have a wall cut out to extract him from the house.   sorry this was so long.  My DH and I have had to face some hard realities with this situation.  It has been a sore point for us during our marriage, how the dysfunction in his family affects who and what he has become today.  A few years ago, DH made the decision that he had to save himself.  He would be so depressed for days after visiting his family.  He basically told his brother that if he wanted to get help, he'd be there, take him, etc.  But he was not going to get sucked into the whole thing.  If my MIL passes away before BIL, basically we will not take on the role of his nurse.  He  will go to a nursing home.   and yes, the expense of feeding and taking care of someone who doesn't leave the house keeps her emotionally and financially poor. She knows it will kill him, but says she can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

You guys have to understand one thing here..  You cannot really criticize the family and friends for giving (or bringing) an obese person food…  It is not THEIR responsibility to monitor what the obese person wants to eat.  The Obese person has to take responsibility for what THEY put in their mouth. And if they are not ready to do that, then there is not much you can do about it.

While I do not weigh as much as the people that you are talking about (260 lbs and awaiting my surgery) … I can tell you that I have learned that food is an ADDICTION for many of us (me included) and until we are ready to make the necessary change to improve our lifestyle there is not much that anyone else can do about it.  We will find the means and money needed to satisfy our addiction and any outside attempt at trying to “help” us get thin will be a big turn off for us. 

The bottom line.. We have to get to the point where we are READY to make the lifestyle change that is needed…  and what we need is understanding from others that have been where we are.. not criticism. 

I wanted to answer your question. Being I was someone in that situation. I didn't work. I wasn't ever able to get medicaid/medicare, I had no government assistance. I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone with your question, but I can also see how it might have hurt someone. When I got to the point of being unable to walk or get out of the house my legs were in bad shape. I know for someone that has not experienced this it is hard to describe or possibly understand. While my husband did help me with things I needed including food. He wasn't ever giving me 3 or 4 pizzas. I never sat and ate a half a gallon of ice cream, bags of chips or donuts, candy, etc. My issue was quantity. I was eating good foods, just too much. My serving size was off. I didn't realize until after my surgery most things I was eating was for 3-4 people and HUGE serving sizes. That was my problem along with drinking sugar filled drinks. I would have almost two 2 liters a day of Sprite. That right there was all the calories I needed to be eating! My husband loved me so much that he wanted to make me happy in some way and for me at the time this included food. I had no life beyond that. He often would tell me "no", because he was very worried about me. In the months leading to my surgery I had changed my diet to include diet drinks and started to cut back. By this time my lymphedema was so bad that exercise was nearly impossible. It is a hard situation to be in. It was like a catch 22. Anyhow, I was able to get surgery. Thank goodness! There will never be an excuse for becoming the size I did, it is embarrassing for me to admit I was once that size. Depression played a major part and I am just glad I snapped out of it long enough to realize I was killing myself.

I think this post really helps people to understand how the process happens, and I'm glad you posted it.

 

 

I don't think anyone was critizing just being curious.  When I was getting close to 400 pounds and it was painful to walk I could see the horizon of bedridden.  Just giving you some background.  While it is always my decision, so to speak,  what to put in my mouth even now after the surgery it seems as though my hand has it's own mind and my mouth follows along.  However, If I were a bedridden crack addict I don't expect that anyone would bring me crack.  Also for the record I personally feel that food addiction is truly insidious because people are required to consume to live.  Much easier (although addiction is never easy) to quit something you don't actually need to live. I don't think in any way the Original Poster was being anything other than curious and giving voice to a question that many people ask themselves.  Good Job OP. Always, Carla