one update thread and then i'm going into lurkdom ~ so please don't worry when you don't...

and i won't be responding to the posts in this thread either, just so's you know. it's too hard right now. i'm here though. i'm reading. and i love every last one of y'all.

i came into work today filled with complete and utter dread. i dread the daylight, i dread the nighttime, i dread the people, i dread the work... i dread LIVING LIFE right now. it's very hard to "be me" but i'm trying. honestly, i'm trying. idk how on earth i'm not dehydrated from all the tears i've shed. it seems that i cry almost constantly nowadays and most of the time i don't even know WHY. (there's just so many reasons, kwim?)

i posted a thread yesterday that i'm sure scared the living **** out of most of y'all and i sincerely apologize. but it was the truth. it's *MY* truth. for now anyway. i come here and i bare my soul to you because i love you and i don't want for you to go through what i'm going through. i'm not quite sure how to prevent that but i'm hoping that by sharing my story and my experiences that maybe, just maybe, i can help at least one person. (it's worked in the past so maybe it'll work this time too...)

anyway, here's the deal. i read everyone's responses to my previous threads and i appreciate the compassion and the love that y'all have shown me. (even, and maybe especially, the "tough love" ) i appreciate the resources that y'all have sought out on my behalf and i WILL be contacting these agencies. i WILL!

but for now, this is the plan: right now, today, in this moment, i'm trying to resist taking anything. i HAVE to take SOMETHING though because if i don't, i'll have a seizure. (i've had grand mal's in the past from medication withdrawals so this has to be handled very delicately.) yesterday morning i took 4 before i even got to work. so today, i cut that back to 2. (i know, i know. some of y'all think i'm "oversharing" or whatever but really, if we don't talk about this then it'll happen to somebody else ~ maybe even to YOU!)

this medication is supposed to be taken every 4 hours. so my plan is to wait it out FIVE hours before taking any more. (or AT LEAST four...) i took 14 yesterday i *think* (who the he!! knows anymore???) and i plan on only taking 6 today. (like i said, i HAVE to take them. i HAVE to ween down because i'll have a seizure if i just quit cold turkey.)

i'm going to try to stick with just 6 today and 4-6 tomorrow and go down from there. i will be staying with renee this weekend and she will have complete control over my medication and will administer them to me on a schedule and will help me to ween down even further so that by monday i can hopefully be clean, or at least a lot closer to being clean than i am right now.
and from there? idk. i'm going to talk to renee some more and see what she can help me to come up with so that i don't relapse or anything. i need help. i need support. i need guidance. but most of all... i need friends. i need people in my life that truly care about me and that truly want to help me. i don't like being like this. i've always been a very strong individual and being addicted ~ to ANYTHING!... being dependant on that crutch is just sucking my soul out. it hurts. it really does.

but y'all know me. y'all know that i am a survivor and that i WILL get through this! somehow, someway... things will work out in my favor and I WILL BEAT THIS!!! i beat the laxative addiction and i'll beat this one too. i have a reputation to live up to for y'all and i can't do that if i'm an addict. i can't help anyone else if i can't even help myself. **sigh** so... maybe this isn't so bad afterall. right? maybe this will turn out to be a learning experience and another way that i can help others in the future. that's how i choose to look at it anyway.

so, this isn't goodbye. i'm just going to try to be on "pause" for a little while. but i'm still here. and as i said above, i'm still reading. and i love all of y'all. thank you so very much for everything that y'all have done for me, today... yesterday... last week... last month... last year... forever. it really means so much to me and i hope that y'all can understand and appreciate where i'm coming from.

I had you on my mind all day yesterday and today as well. You've been in my prayers and will continue to be. I grew up in a christian home and so all my life that's all I've known. I never ventured out of that safe space. I realize that to this very day I don't know a lot about addictions of any kind. I remember that in my 30's I was sitting in a service and people were giving personal testimonies of how God had delivered them from drugs, alcohol, sexual addictions and such. I kind of got a little attitude and thought to myself that I didn't have a testimony like all these folks and then WHAM, God hit me upside the head and said to my inner self, "Girl, your testimony is a great testimony because I kept you from all these things! I jumped to my feet and shared that with the entire church. You may say, what has that got to do with me??? Well, I just want you to know that I don't understand what you are going through because I've never experienced it - personally or with a family member. BUT, I know that I serve a big God who does know what you are going through and He's the only one who can deliver you completely. You can try self help measure and I recommend that but I also recommend that you call out on His name. Renee will be a big help and I'm so glad she can be there for you but please ask God for help as well. Not everyone on this board believes as I do and that's fine. I would never try to force my beliefs on someone else BUT if you are at your wit's end then I do implore you to go to God with your needs. I'm in your corner and I'm believing that you will come out a winner.

My heartfelt love,
DebbieDoo

You are in my thoughts and prayers hun!

Im here for you and you are in my prayers.

Hey there Sweetie....you are in my prayers.  I know that God can and will touch your heart and make things better.  But you need to seek the services, as you have been told earlier of a counselor.  There are some great ones out there and it never hurts to have someone just to talk to who is impartial.  If there is anything at all I can do to help, please please let me know.  Love you!!!!

Hey gurley... I'm sorry for what you are going through and know that I too am here for you... If you need anything just holler.. you know that I'm just up the road... Your in my thoughts and prayers... Keep your head up and keep smiling!!

You have FRIENDS here.  Don't go into lurkdome.  Stay here with us.  Let us try to keep you occupied and keep your mind off things.  We are here for you day and night. 

Hi Doll,
We are your friends and family here sweety. Just know we are here for you anytime!! Praying for your mind, body and soul healing my friend.
Love ya,
Michele

I dont know you but my heart goes out to you.

One of the best nurses I've ever worked with was addicted to pain medication. It started out as a treatment for a serious ear problem but quickly turned into an addiction. Before he lost his nursing license, he was taking in excess of 50 pain pills a day. He got treatment, got his life back and after a long probation period, got his nursing license back. I've also seen doctors lose their career due to addictions. It's sad but it's a reality.

No one is immune to addictions. We dont know how we will react to certain situations until we are faced with them.

I pray that you get the help that you need. As you said, you are a surviver. You can do this!! I believe in you.

Gina

 I've thought about you all day while I was at work. I've had my issues with substances in the past and I'm married and madly in love with a man that battles the same demons you do everyday. I don't know you, but I have no doubt that you are strong and resourceful and can take care of yourself. That being said, you need the support of the people that care about you to deal with this. If you need any help or anyone to talk to please do not hesitate to contact me. I won't judge you and I won't offer advice (unless you ask). I'll listen and help you process everything that is going on around you. Take care of yourself.
-Theresa