L-Day: October 27th

Lap-band day for me is October 27th!  I'm a woman of faith, so if you could say a little prayer or think a positive thought that day for me, I'd sure appreciate it.  I've had my pre-op testing and dietician appointment, and on Thursday I go to Dr. Chua's office again to see the PA for my physical.  The surgery is on Tuesday at 12:30pm, barring any 'excitement' for the patients ahead of me, which I hope for their sakes doesn't happen.  

In the meantime, being the Geeky Mom that I am, I blogged about the upper GI experience, and here's the copy of my post:

After approximately 8 months of dietitian appointments, psychologist visits, doctor visits, a detour to a cardiologist for cardiac clearance (happily, nothing wrong), and reams of paperwork for insurance, I've managed to (insert amazement emote here) finally get a date for lap-band surgery. Dr. Chua's going to do the surgery on October 27th for those of you who wish to pray and/or think positive thoughts on this day. For those of you *****ad this because you can't stand me, it's scheduled for some time in 3011, so save your evil black thoughts for that year.

Last week I had to drive up to the hospital to have the pre-op testing. I thought it was going to be just one test. It turns out I had to have a whole bunch of tests, including an EKG (despite the fact that I had just seen the cardiologist), blood tests, pre-op interview, chest x-ray, blood pressure, pulse oximetry, urinalysis and pregnancy test, investigation of my fingernail clippings, collection of any toejam (none for me, I'd showered that morning), and counting the number of wrinkles on my kneecaps. This was done in a giant hospital gown that could be used as a sheet for five queen sized beds, it was so large. Now, I know that this hospital is a bariatric center, and we big people are a normal patient base for them. However, a Volkswagon Beetle could have fit under that gown and there still would have been enough material left over for the 18 people stuffed inside the car. After pulling up the gown off my shoulder umpteen times, I decided to rename it a toga, and I walked proudly through the hospital hallways to the various stations, my bag with my coat, shirt, bra, and book in hand, one shoulder exposed.

One of the tests that's required before weight loss surgery is the famous 'Upper GI'. This is a nice way of saying "Here, we're going to make you drink a cup of liquid white chalk and radiate you until you glow in the dark". That test description doesn't fit on insurance forms very well, however. As we all know, we must never make insurance companies do any work, or they'll charge us another 666 dollars. Per letter. Now you know why test names are so short and cryptic.

Anyway, after hearing any number of people complain about this test, I decided that I, a proud woman in a Beetle-sized blue-diamond print white toga, would not complain. I would suck it up and deal with it. So, when I introduced myself to the radiology techs, I was "Jae, the Toga Woman". I then politely asked if I could pick my flavor of barium. This immediately amused the technicians, who then cheerfully informed me they only had one flavor, and assured me the liquid chalk would 'taste faintly like bananas'. I've made fake-banana flavor in organic chemistry class, although we gave it the fancy term 'isoamyl acetate' in class because we had to show off our chemical knowledge. I was pretty sure I didn't want fake-banana flavor on an empty stomach, but I had vowed not to complain. Instead, in a completely geeky manner, I noticed out loud that the cup of liquid chalk they handed me was quite heavy and then asked them what the atomic weight of barium was (137.33 g·mol−1 for the truly curious). Neither of them knew, but I could tell by the pleased surprise on their faces that they were expecting complaints, and not a geeky question. This was something different for them. I didn't feel so bad when the radiologist couldn't remember the atomic weight, either. Normally it would make me a tad nervous that a doctor wouldn't remember that, especially a radiologist, but I figured as long as he knew how to do his job, we didn't have to care about something that was only required for medical boards and had no relevance to Real People Medical Care after that.

After the tech handed me the heavy cup, she then told me I had to first swallow a medicine cup full of white crystals, followed by 2 teaspoons of water. Mind you, I had not had anything to drink since my last sip of decaf coffee at 11:59 pm the night before, because you can't have anything after midnight the night before you have the "drink liquid white chalk and get irradiated til you glow in the dark" test. I could not begin to imagine how I was going to swallow dry crystals when my mouth was already dry as the Sahara. These crystals were described as something that would 'make an air bubble in the stomach'. After the tech mixed the 2 teaspoons of water into the crystals for me to immediately toss back like a shot of something that would likely have been far more tasty, I discovered it was like drinking liquid Pop-rocks. It was a good thing I didn't try to to knock the crystals back dry. My mouth probably would have exploded volcano-style. I then discovered 'make an air bubble' was a euphemism for 'this will cause massive gas'. This was followed by the instruction to gulp the barium down as quickly as possible. Then they laid the table back and urged me not to burp. This is equivalent to gulping a 2-liter bottle of pop in 20 seconds and then being told that belching is not allowed. I told the staff when I did finally get to burp, I was going to be able to outdo my 12 year old son. That's quite an achievement, by the way, because we all know that 12 year old boys can burp at a volume approaching heavy metal rock concert level.

An upper GI test is not your ordinary 'lie still' test, either. I got to do a couple log rolls to move the barium around, lie in a variety of poses, one of which I called the 'Cleopatra pose' to the further amusement of the staff, and rest on my stomach. If you've ever had 'an air bubble' in your stomach, and you're not allowed to burp, the last thing you want to do is lie ON your stomach. After quite the photo shoot, I got to see my stomach, my reflux, and my esophageal muscles not quite doing their job correctly because of that reflux. It would be really cool if it wasn't my stomach misbehaving. Hopefully after the surgery and weight loss, that will improve. I won't be able to entertain the staff in my Cleopatra pose once it's healed, but I'll take that one for the team. And yes, I did let out a giant burp or three (or ten) when we got done.

Link: http://confessionsofageekymom.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-to-have-upper-gi-test.html

Tomorrow support group is on head hunger. It is at the Aurora Siani in the heart center in the basement. It is held from 6 to 8 pm. They really make you feel at home. Everyone is so friendly too. So come join us and meet some new friends. There are some lap banders there too. So you can ask questions after our topic we break up in groups. They really make you feel comfortable there.

I'd dearly love to come, but I'm watching my friend's son for her.  She's having medical problems and her family, who normally love to help, are all out of town or sick right now.  I really need to coordinate with some of the other Kenoshans on either car-pooling or starting a satellite group down here.:)

Surgery went well yesterday.  I stayed overnight and was glad.  I just wasn't up to going home that night, and after resting overnight, I felt a lot better today.  The staff at Aurora Sinai were wonderful people--everyone was so nice. 

I'm working on getting that protein shake in while hanging out in bed, laptop on the lap.  Hubby's going to make me some cream of wheat for my 2-3 medicine cupfuls of 'meals'.  Tomorrow I get to start my 2 weeks of pureed food. Yay baby food!  Actually, I'll likely puree a lot of soups--nice mix of proteins and veggies, and tastes just as good pureed or not.

I haven't had any nausea, and the pain is tolerable, especially with Good Drugs.  My biggest challenge is finding protein shakes that don't have the sweetener acesulfame-k (Ace-K) in them, because it gives me nasty migraines.  The low-carb slim-fast shakes work and taste OK, and I'll have to keep searching for some more brands or powders that taste good. 

@ daisy--those are some crazy tests, girlfriend!  I had the chemical stress test--I'd definitely put that in the Not Fun category.  I was so freaked out that they were going to find something that I couldn't sleep the night before, and so when I got home, I crashed on the bed and slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day.  I think labor might still be worse than an electrostimulation test, but I bet it's not by much, heh.

Thanks for the well-wishes and prayers, folks!  I feel like I have a new life before me.  I know it's going to be work and big changes, but I'm fine with that.  After all, I don't want my life to be heading down the direction it was--bad arthritis, high blood pressure, likely developing diabetes and heart disease down the road, etc.   Know that I am likewise praying for you on your journeys, too. :)