WLS and Marriage

Hi southerngrl, My doc had an intern in his office during my 1st follow up appointment and the intern asked this question.  My doc basicly said what the other posters have said.  The only thing he added is that therapy does help if you catch it soon enough.  Of course you both have to want to make it work and be willing to seek help.  Some men do get insicure when their spouses start looking hot and getting hit on by other.  Not to mention the new way you will dress.  There is a chance that you will be accused of cheating and such just because of the changes in you.  and yes you will change.  If you are really concerned i would suggest counseling now so you both can work through any issues you may have.  And if you have a strong marriege, it will just help to make it stronger and help him to understand what is going on with your transformation.  Good luck, and nip anything in the bud early. Dawn

Dawn, I have been talking with a fiend who happens to be a social worker and she suggested I ask on here what others have gone through. Everyone has been so helpful and giving me great advice.I really am excited and scared at the same about all the changes that are going to happen. I thank God I found this site and there are so many helpful people like yourself to give me support! ~Melissa

I wasn't married before surgery, but I can give you some info about feeling "sexy" versus feeling "non-sexy."   When I was overweight, I quit dating.  I, personally, couldn't see how any man would want to be with me.  I know that is irrational, but that is how I felt.   When I had my surgery, I was 240 pounds and wore a size 22/24.  That was January 9, 2003.  (yes, tomorrow is my 5 year bandiversary)  By that October I was wearing a size 14, and decided I was "worthy" of dating.  I put feelers out to someone who I had been carrying on a bit of a flirtation.  He and I settled on drinks after work.   It is not what you think.  He was not "the one."  But he was the one who made me feel sexy, gorgeous, fabulous and worthy.  He and I are still good friends. I am currently in a wonderful relationship with a man who thinks the sun rises and sets with me and that I am the SEXIEST THING he has ever met!  Seriously!  (I know that isn't true, but it feels good any way.) So what is the main difference between then and now?  it is ME!  Truly, I feel good about myself.  I feel sexy.  I feel worthy.  It really is how the surgery, and the weight loss, made me feel about myself. Good luck. 

Vicki, I had looked at your pictures about a week ago and you look amazing! Looking at your pictures let me know that it is possible to accomplish all of this. My husband looks at me diffrent then when I was thinner but that may just be in my head. I have gained pounds and lost my self confidence...horrible trade off in my mind! I am happy that there are people like you who still stay on here and encourage us who haven't been able to make the journey yet. Thank you for you kinds words and positve feed back. ~Melissa

I'm 3 months out and have lost around 50 lbs, almost a third of my excess. Even though I can't really see it yet, my husband does comment on the difference. As for sex, it's getting more physically comfortable to do it, but I can't say things have returned to honeymoon style. If you aren't in therapy now, I suggest you start now rather than waiting until after surgery. I also recommend that you and your husband start couples counseling because lots of changes are going to occur with the stress of the surgery, your weight loss, and all the myriad of things that will be different in your lifestyle and attitude. It also will let your husband be an integral part of your weight loss and health process... and you know many men hate to be left out of big scary decisions that might change everything! I think this is where a lot of WLS couples start having problems... they didn't start counseling BEFORE problems began. If there are any issues in your marriage AT ALL, start working on them now and you have a better chance in the long run. As our relationships to food and our bodies change, so do our relationships to other things and people. When once we might have eaten to comfort ourselves, now we're apt to speak up for ourselves. As our bodies change and we become more healthy, especially if we are also in therapy dealing with any emotional baggage, we become less and less tolerant of other aspects of our lives that are unhealthy. As we start feeling better physically and mentally, we often return to or pick up friends and interests we had abandoned because of our weight. And all hormones released when you lose weight would make the sanest of us act crazy from time to time. These can all seem very abrupt and unpredictable to other people in our lives and can cause tension and feelings of jealousy and abandonment. Good communication is key. I will warn you that if only you are going to therapy, and your husband isn't joining in couples sessions or seeing someone on his own, that things caould get rough.... you start to grow and develop and he is still in the original pattern. This might not be a problem, but it is for many WLS patients and their spouses. Good luck!

Melissa, I am glad to see you are still with Dr. Oh. I hope your surgery is a rebirth for both you and your husband. When I met you I felt a real sense of compassion about you. I hop your hubby like's the new sex kitten you WILL  become. You are a very pretty lady and your beauty will only increase. Good luck on your surgery.