How to help my husband through this?

I am to have my VSG before March 31. I have finally resolved in my mind to do it, however my husband, who is an anxious fellow in general is becoming panicked. He is worried that I will get GERD and that I will be in ill health afterwards, whereas now my health is relatively good. He read a statistic that 80% of people who lose a lot of weight get divorced! I'm sure that can't be true!! He's worried about surgery complications, needing future interventions to fix newly developed problems, the cost of skin surgery and overall thinks that this all a 'nuclear' solution to remove most of the stomach. It's nice to know that he cares so much and loves me so much, but what can I say to him to make him feel better about all this? Today I talked to the bariatric team and the nurse said "Oh my G@%!! I thought you had that all worked out!!" Anyways, hopefully someone with more sympathy from the bariatric team will be able to talk to him. Anyone have any nice advice for him? Thank so much.

His concerns are valid, they are delaying comments yes, but fears are valid and need to be addressed. And your bariatric nurse sounds like a worse jerk than the one I tried to talk to, just to get info!

I think they have so many patients, and so much to juggle they have NO patience for foot dragging in what seems like annoyance to them. Her exposure to the surgeon, daily,who are all famous for seeing, in my words: " a tumor with an annoying patient attached"..and not the nervous person impacted her view.

That has been my experience with every surgeon, sorrily, because most of us are finally asleep when they operate, and it sounds like that behavior has rubbed off on the team nurse and she's overworked.

I wish you well in coming to resolution with your sweet DH. You didn't talk about your weight or age, but play a 'what if' game "What if this surgery was NOT an option medically*? How would he want you to lose weight and be healthier, and how would that 'plan' look like?

In life I have often used the "what I was't allowed to do X..how would that affect my life?"... then talk it thru with him.

• could be cost, could be you lived in Tasmania, there are many other things people deal with that eliminate the surgery option.
• I hope you come back with your resolution, I'd be interested to hear...good luck!

I will add my 2 cents worth...First, reassure your husband that he is the love of your life, and that your love is not conditional on your appearance, nor his.

Second, the majority of us who have had VSG had relatively minor issues afterwards. Although I was 65 when I had it, I did require a 2nd surgery that same day, along with 2 units of blood. That said, I was able to go home within 2 days of the original procedure, without any pain meds except liquid tylenol.

I always had a "touchy" stomach and digestive system, but did not require any kind of antacid measures. I've had no issues with hernias, and as to loose skin, I do have some on my arms and abdomen, but the rest looks great - and I'm 66 now. Weights can help the arms but I have not yet done that.

My take on skin surgery, appropriate for many, is that its a long surgery, at my age, no one but husband, doctor and mortician are apt to see me "nekkid", lol.

You have a stomach now that holds a quart (32 oz or .95 kg). When you are done, it will hold .23 kg. Yes, it is smaller. But it still absorbs your vitamins and minerals. As long as you eat, and then drink your liquids 20 min before or after, you will be healthy and well.

Heavy eventually translates to health issues. Again, reassure him you want to be around with him for many years, as your best self.

Good luck....

I know of one person who's gotten divorced since surgery, and have heard stories of a few others, but that 80% statistic sounds ridiculously high. TONS of us are still married, and my marriage actually got better. My husband has never had a weight problem and was always really active, whereas I was so heavy I could barely do anything with him. No more! I'm now able to join him in a lot of his activities. If anything, it's made our marriage stronger.

the one woman I personally know who got divorced said her marriage had been problematic for several years. I think she just realized once she got rid of her excess weight that she'd just had enough of it. She's now in a wonderful relationship with someone else, someone with whom she can share her new, active lifestyle.

I don't know if the 80% number is true, but I have a personal theory on this. Someone else pointed out it could lead to increased self-confidence, and they maybe part of it. However, for me (and I got divorced a couple years post-op) it wasn't self-confidence (no one has ever accused me of low self-confidence, LOL), but a focus on making my life better.

I had considered WLS for many years, but never pursued it. As I entered my 40s I also entered a period in my life where I became less all-consumed with raising my kids, building my career, etc. I made a conscious decision to start focusing more on myself. WLS was a big part of that. It was time to get my health in order. So, in addition to WLS, I also started really educating myself on nutrition and the links between nutrition and chronic disease.

I also started seeing a therapist to optimize my mental health.

Once I started down this path of self-improvement, I finally acknowledge the obvious - my marriage was terrible and was not making me happy in anyway. Having successfully changed so much of my life, I new I needed to address this, and divorce was the answer.

I've had people ask me if the surgery was part of my decision to get divorce. I generally answer "not directly". I was all part of an effort to improve the quality of my life.

And both decisions have DEFINITELY improved my life.

I have been here on OH for 12 years now. From my personal observations, good marriages tend to get better and bad marriages seem to fall apart. I think the main reason for that is when self-confidence rises, we tend not to put up with crap anymore. It does not seem anywhere close to 80%, though. 30% maybe?

My bariatric office offers quite a few support groups and info sessions etc. Perhaps yours does too and you could go together before and after?

I have a teenaged daughter and she has a few concerns....ranging to what if something goes bad to us having a "different relationship." I keep telling her she's a BIG reason I'm doing it, because I want to be there for my family for many many years.

Good luck to you and your hubby!

I have a totally different relationship with my mom post-WLS. (I'm 41, she's 75.) I used to cringe when she asked me to take walks with her and come up with excuses not to. Now we go for walks together, play ping pong for hours, go to wacky wall climbing places, have a zip lining thing planned.. we do so much more together and I love it :)

Explain to him that it's a decision, but it's YOUR decision and you have decided to do it. (With his input as well).

Tell him there are always the chance for complications but that you will get through it, most likely,with the help of your surgeon.

Tell him to trust in God.