Got my surgery date, but a few questions!

So since I finally got my surgery date (Dec 1st!) I've been thinking of 100 questions. One big one is people say they lose friends or family. Why is this? Why would you lose friends?

Also why would you and spouse have problems (other than jealousy)

I'm just trying to be aware and make the transition as smooth as possible!

Tia!

I haven't lost any friends over it, but we've had several WLS in our friends group, so I suspect anyone who would have been impacted had already been weeded out. LOL. I've heard about losing friends because you stop being "the fat friend" and they can't adjust to a new dynamic.

The major things I see causing problems in relationships revolve around several possible dynamics:

• If the couple's interactions are mainly around food or food events. Meaning, every time the couple is spending time together, they're going out to eat or they're making food or they're co-bingeing. This causes a problem when one of the couple no longer does that. They have to re-negotiate what is meaningful interactions for them, and find other things to bond over.
• If the non WLS spouse is not interested in improving their health, and wants to remain entrenched in poor food choices... for example continues bringing food into the house that would be detrimental for the WLS partner and gets upset when asked to keep that stuff out of the house
• If the WLS spouse gets significantly more active, and they start spending a lot more time with physically active interests, and the non-WLS spouse is not interested. They just drift apart because they're not doing the same things together anymore.

I'm lucky that my hubby was more interested in healthy eating and activity than I was, so I'm moving more toward his outlook with my improved health and better eating choices.

Ultimately, it comes down to whether the non-WLS spouse can and will adapt as the WLS spouse makes signficant changes in their life. Any couple faced with significant changes that can't or won't adapt is in danger of breaking up.

I had one friend that thought I shouldn't get it....She was vocal about it and I was vocal right back. It put a wedge in our relationship... I'm over it but she obviously isn't. I still see her, but it is not the same...

Personally, I think that troubled relationships were troubled BEFORE the WLS and it just comes to a head after the weight is lost. We feel better about ourselves, we are more active ... we stop being depressed and the self hatred goes away a bit. We stop forgiving others for their tiny abuses. We SEE who is supportive of us and who isn't.

I have known a few cases where the woman had never felt sexy and desirable and suddenly loses weight, starts dressing and acting provocatively and getting lots of male attention.

Marriages rarely survive that scenario, especially when she commences a series of physical or emotional affairs.

Sometimes the woman is doing nothing wrong, but the husband become so jealous and insecure that the marriage crumbles. I am sure this can work both ways, but I have personally only seen it with women.

Friendships change too. The biggest thing I see is the person who has weight loss surgery eats almost nothing and then tries to impose that on others. Saying stuff like look at all the food that person is taking in. It is disgusting how much people eat. Instead of realizing that they don't eat because their stomach is so small, they get an attitude that they are disciplined and working hard.

I realized the pitfalls and watched out for them. I told people that I was not eating because I couldn't. It was not because I was disciplined or trying to make them look bad.

I used to explain my stomach using a two-liter bottle of soda. I would say that before surgery, my stomach could hold about two liters. After surgery, I was about the size of the cap on the bottle. So my tiny plate of food was actually equivalent to them eating five plates of food. I was stuffing my tummy to the top.

I had one friend who has never gone out to eat with me again, because we always went for huge subs or wings and she says she can't enjoy being with me because I eat so much less than her and the foods I eat don't appeal to her.

That's a good point. My sister had VSG several years ago, and when I first told our parents that I was getting the surgery, one of their first concerns was that I was going to quit being any fun to go out to eat with or have at family gatherings. My sis is the type that tells everyone else what they should eat, and goes on AT LENGTH about her diet and success and such. So I've made double sure to keep my trap shut about food in general unless someone asks me a direct question about how I'm eating or why. I may THINK that someone is eating an inordinate amount of food, but I keep it to myself. LOL. When I'm eating with people I generally just put a bunch of little bites of food on my plate and once I'm done I push the rest around a lot. I end up having to reassure servers at restaurants that the food was great, I just don't have a large capacity. :)

I've had no problems with friends or family, but our relationships were not about food. We still go out to eat, but I just eat differently (protein based appetizer as my meal). DH was always thin and able to be more active than me, so it is easier for me to be with him now.

I have a friend who is going through some issues with her husband over WLS because he is afraid she will leave him after losing the weight. Obviously there are insecurities already present which the WLS is exacerbating.

many women have a token " fat friend". This is the ftiendvthey let hang around with them because the friend is fatter than they are and make the woman look better by comparison.

Token fat friends getting slimmer makes those women mad and feel insecure. What if the fat friend ends up better looking and thinner than they are?

these women get rid of fat friends no longer fat cause they no longer serve their purpose.

Why wouldn't a relationship change?

I feel I have changed considerably as a person. I have to be very detailed with measuring my food and monitoring my protein intake. I am very structured with my eating and vitamin regimen. I was very spontaneous before. I could drink at happy hours! Entertainment in my prior life was based around food. I have changed a lot of who I was. I am working hard at changing more of who I am. I work out almost 2 hours most days, for me. I never took care of me.

Whenever one side of the equation changes, the other side has to make adjustments. The cliche it takes two to Tango also comes to mind. My man lost 25 pounds and he's not overweight! We just don't ever go to Cheesecake Factory and have no sugar in the house. He also works out with me (also because he has his own teams and he always stayed fit). Change is new. It can be good! Change is also stressful because it's unknown.

My advice is to connect at the same level you made a friend or loved one. The surrounding things may have to adjust but the core should still work. Just be patient and remember you are the reason your relationship needs to rebalance. You took the first step! If it's not a healthy relationship for you though, I hope you examine why you'd want it to continue.

The bottom line is that a lot of people hate any kind of big change in people they know. Can it be jealousy, resentment, etc? Perhaps, but change for anyone is very very hard to adapt to, and everyone reacts to it differently.

Firstly, don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on your goals, your future good health, and all the good things that come with it. Wether it's friends or family having issues with the new you... the result is the same as if it were a friend, or even a stranger. THEY are the ones who have to get over it... not you.

Also, this is the case with weight loss, period, with or without any kind of surgery. I wasn't overweight until my mid 40's, and I've been super athletic and skinny... and I've been as heavy as 328lbs after a long stint with prednisone. But my weight has always been a battle... that I sometimes won, and I sometimes lost. It was the gloating and the 'encouragement' during my heaviest times that hurt me the most, people telling me it's 'okay,' that I shouldn't worry so much, that my personality was great, etc. Then I'd get skinny again, and I mean like 128lbs... or less (used to teach dance)... that people became either out-right rude, or completely indifferent... the latter being the most painful.

I can happen, and it usually does to some degree or another. Don't worry about THEM, as I mentioned before, because any bad reaction to your good health is on them, and it's their problem to fix. You can't fix anyone else.

Sorry this is a bit long, but I wanted you to know and hopefully understand that you can't control jealousy or fear or envy... or any other state of mind or emotion in another. Don't waste your precious energy on that. You will have enough on your plate after surgery---no pun intended. And chances are... people will accept your new life changes and cheer you on every step of the way. ***hugs***