I AM SUCH A FAILURE :(

I just ate 2 ounces of pureed tuna and mayo with melted cheese.

I am not meant to eat this till tommorow, as i am 2 weeks post.

I feel i have failed because this is something I do , feel proud of myself for doing so well then throw it all a way for some stupid food.

244 to start 230lbs today.

I just think is there a psycological reason why i have not given in in 2 weeks to suddenly do something wrong the day before?

i feel sad, because it sounds pathetic but i know myself i always do one little cheat then it gets bigger. but i have been so dedicated in this whole process, never cheated on pre op , post op im serious about this.

ive let myself down, and yes i am serious. i do have issues with anxiety so i know it sounds silly reading back but i just felt i was doing so well?

edit- forgot to say i think the temptation started as i was cooking food for my family my fav pizza lol so i ate this before it finnished cooking to relieve my temptation for that, i have not been this tempted before. ive dished up the pizza and will not touch it

edit again please no sacastic comments i already feel like crap i am exhausted, ive had two weeks of liquid and not even allowed protien shakes only allowed to fortify my milk! im 2 weeks out taking care of two kids on my own im in pain 24/7 ( due to a disability not related to weight) i just want to get it right. and i am just exausted so yes i may be abit over dramatic today, but feeling so weak and just wanted to eat something so i dont need to see a therapist about this lol im not crazy i have barely slept so i am sure you know how you feel when your so drained you just cant afford in your mind to make any mistakes thats all i am now glad i did not eat the pizza and i know this post comes across as if i am crazy.

thanks everyone. sorry for coming across like i am one outburst short of a psychiatric admission lol :P

Are you seeing a therapist?

I am seeing a counsellor yes. ( But not as part of my surgery as went private ( i am in the uk so the weighting list for surgery is 4 years in my area though i did qualify.

I made pizza for my family and the temptation to eat that was high, so i thought its better i eat the pureed food instead of a pizza but feel just as bad.

Have you been talking about these things with your therapist? It seems like you have a lot of mental stuff to work through surrounding food (as do most of us), so figuring out how to combat the sneaky hate spiral that you're getting sucked into, and figuring out how to avoid sabotaging yourself are both really super important. It'll take time and hard work, but you can get there and a good therapist can help.

are you saying that in a way that i sound crazy lol

The self-loathing is concerning. You need to learn how to move on without calling yourself a total failure. There will be many bumps along the way. If you can not deal with them now, it only gets harder from here. The mental part is the hardest. You have to treat yourself kindly and realize you are worth the effort it takes to lose the weight and keep it off. Honestly if I did not get the mental part straight I would have gained all of my weight back.

I understand what you mean, I am just disapointed, and to be honest, I am just so exausted, have not slept much , just liquids and dont know if you saw my other post but not allowed protien shakes till not on liquids they prefer me to fortify my milk so i feel like complete crap, it would not be so bad if i didnt already just feel drained.

But the thing is i have invested alot in this surgery so i just dont want to make one mistake, so one mistake makes me feel awful. but there is nothing new there, ive been like this my whole life. and there was no concerns with me having surgery for my obbsessivness about things as i have been like this since i was a child, and was on tablets for ocd for some time but i feel its managed fine now but obvcourse with big changes cause abit of a spike in the anxiety... but can assure im not crazy :)

Though i did fail thought someone who fails is a failure ( as in myself) would not think this of anyone else. didnt know it was bad to say that word but thats how i felt when i posted.

i might just ask for this post to be deleted other than your explanation i dont feel any compassion or kindness will result from this post and i would just end up feeling worse lol.

I recommend this blog post - http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-sp iral.html