Postop relationship questions

So I am going May 4th for my 1st consultation with a surgeon for VSG. I've done a ton of research about the process and am excited about this journey. I am fortunate when it comes to insurance fully covering the surgery itself. When it comes to preop and postop questions I'm sure I will find everything out when I see the surgeon in a few weeks. But one of the things that I can't seem to find a lot of positive on is marriages post vsg surgery. I see nothing but the negatives and how 80% of WLS marriages fail. My husband is 100% supportive but he is a string bean. He is that guy that wants to gain weight and has to eat every 2 hours or he is starving. We just didn't know if maybe someone had any advice for him. The more advice we can get the better. We both don't know what to expect and would like to have a better idea on what can be expected.

From what I've seen on the forums - strong relationships tend to stay strong, weak relationships tend to stay weak. It's great that your husband is supportive and that bodes well. Keep him informed about what you might go through - we do tend to have mood swings post-op from hormone dumping, make sure he knows this.

Therapy is awesome. I recommend at the least getting a therapist for yourself, that'll help you navigate your hurdles without necessarily dumping everything on to him. Couples therapy might also be useful.

I have two partners and my relationships with both have improved because I have improved. But the relationships were strong to begin with.

I won't save a bad marriage, but it won't ruin a good marriage either.

A lot of times people don't post about their great relationships. They are so used to having supporting spouse SO, that there is no need or reason to post "he/she is so great..."

My SO loves me and is very supportive in whatever I do. We are a team. We were always a team.

He shows his support by just respecting my choices. Some of things I do - he may not think I needed (i.E Face lift surgery) but he respected and supported my choice.

I would not have it any other way.

BTW - he is even there for me when I do stupid stuff (like eat food that can make me sick) without lecturing me afterwods... But being there for me when I suffer the consequences of my poor choices. (I.e severe gut pain, or dumping, or RH ) without making me fell worse than I already feel. Now - that is real love.

One of the things to keep in mind when looking through online forums is the principle of "adverse selection" which is where, in this case, predominantly people with a problem post about them while those without the problem don't post, so you get a skewed perception of the reality. If you are researching a car on a forum, and 5% is a significant problem for most cars, you will find that "everyone" online with that car has that problem, while the other 95% are silent. With WLS, "everyone" with a bypass dumps and has reactive hypoglycemia; "everyone" with a sleeve doesn't lose enough and is on a lifetime diet; "everyone" with a DS has bad farts and diarrhea...

As others note, likewise I have gleaned from the forums and the psychs that WLS tends to make a strong relationship stronger and can break apart a weak one. My guesstimate based on the forums and our support group that we attend, comprised mostly of people 10-15 years out, that it is about a 50/50 proposition. If you consider that the divorce rate in our society as a whole is around 50%, that tends to support that contention. WLS can be a stressful time; if a relationship is weak, it will likely break apart with some other stress if WLS was not in the picture. Note - my wife is 12 years out on her WLS, and I'm six years out on mine, and still plugging away.

Another point to consider if you are still researching surgeon's programs, or have some choice in the post-op world, is if your husband is eating frequently, consider a program that is compatible with that. Some programs, (like Gwen's, IIRC) are strictly three meals a day, and anything else is tantamount to grazing; others advocate multiple (5-6 or more) small meals to avoid over eating; some go either way as patient's needs dictate. As is usually the case in this world, there is no right or wrong approach overall. Also, you may be able to help your husband in the process as well - often these string bean people don't eat well because they never had to watch their diet for weight purposes, and that can come back to bite them in the long run. My BIL's brother is a skinny runner type who is now in his early 60's is facing that insulin resistance problem because he never had to watch what he ate. This can be an opportunity to bring him more in line if he needs that.

My husband is very supportive as well. He has been with me all the way. What helped him most was going to all my appointments and having HIS questions answered by my surgeon. He was there for my surgery and spent the night in the hospital with me. He encourages me and celebrates with me and when I have a bad day he doesn't let me beat myself up..he loves me through it. He and my son both are willing to try new recipes with me and I still make their favorites as well. He has told me many times that I was brave for deciding to get the surgery and he is proud of me. He is overweight but said he could never do what I did..and I do not judge him for that. I still love him and he has actually lost 10 lbs just by picking up some of my new habits. I would suggest some counseling together or if your doctor is as wonderful as mine maybe your husband could discuss with him/her any concerns or questions he has. I think there may even be a section on this forum for spouses???

My husband had vsg surgery first. It was a huge boost to our marriage. Before the surgery he had such bad sleep apnea he was sleepy all the time. He dozed off any time he sat down, and he wasn't very present to our family. He lost 150 lbs since surgery, and is now actively engaged in our family life.

I was so moved by seeing the changes he experienced that I decided to have vsg surgery myself. I know this is different from your situation, but I wanted to reassure you that it can work in relationships. The hardest thing is negotiating different eating needs. If you keep the communication open and lat each other know what your needs are it can be a big help. Best wishes to you as you go on this journey.

If your partner "loves" you for what you look like (fat or thin) and not for who you are, there is no saving a marriage. So WLS may precipitate a breakup which would have ultimately have happened anyway. Many on OH seem to still be with their original partners - most of them talk about the things they enjoy doing together.

Thank you everyone for your responses. my husband has been on board since the beginning. He has been so supportive and he was only thinking about me and my wellbeing. He never once considered how this would affect him. He has read all of y'alls responses and he really appreciates it. He does plan on being at every appt. I have my psych eval Thursday and he plans on going with me. Thank you all again. I do hope you guys have a great Easter!