Thoughts for a Saturday morning.....

WARNING...LONG POST AHEAD!

I am within 2 lbs. of my soft goal. I have NEVER been this close to reaching a weight loss goal in my life. I cannot remember ever looking in a mirror and thinking, wow, I look great...my body and face look slender, and I am not ashamed of how I look.

I've had body issues my whole life. Teased in school for being "short and fat" and spent most of my adult life body shaming myself more than anyone else ever could do. My dad used to tell me, as I was growing up, "You would be so pretty if you would just lose weight!" Now, in his defense, I honestly don't think he realized what he was doing to my psyche. But those words stuck with me, my entire life. They stung, and I lived with the warped idea that I was unlovable and downright ugly because I was overweight. Oh, if I could only go back in time and counsel the younger me, and explain that weight has nothing to do with how lovable or pretty you are. But, it's water under the bridge now, and I had to come to terms with how I felt about how I looked. My husband fell in love with me and helped me unpack some of the baggage from my childhood, but I still hated how I looked and felt in my skin. After my lapband surgery failed, and I had to have it removed, I regained almost all of my prior weight back (still never reaching my weight loss goal with the lapband), I was depressed and angry at myself a lot of the time. How my husband was still able to emotionally support me during this time is a testament to his love for me.

I fought the idea of having RnY or the Sleeve as I felt it was too drastic a surgery for me. However, living with this hatred for how I looked, the sheer and ongoing depression was even more traumatizing. So, we researched in more depth about the sleeve.

I had the surgery, and set my sites on finding me, the real me, the not depressed and self deprecating me.

Getting ready for our last gig (I am a singer in a band), I was looking at myself in the mirror. I had on my size 4 skirt and small sized shirt. I just put on my heels and makeup and was kind of...well...admiring the image. My husband said, "Stop looking at yourself in the mirror already, we gotta roll!" That made me laugh, but also made me realize that I DID like the image in the mirror, but not out of vanity, but more because I was trying to come to terms with WHO I was seeing in the mirror and the feeling of actually being pleased with my image and the weight loss I've now accomplished. It is an amazing feeling, that I no longer feel those pressing and ongoing body image issues, I've carried around for the better part of 50 yrs. I get compliments, a lot from people at work, at a gig, friends and family, and I am finally not turning around to see who they are actually talking to, because it could NEVER be me.

This weight loss journey has taught me a lot about myself, about my sugar addiction, about how unintended hurtful words can affect you for a lifetime, and how to find yourself again.

This is one of those times when the LIKE button is completely inadequate to express how much I love a post.

Thank you so much! I sort of poured my heart out when I posted that. lol. But it is true. And the new feelings of acceptance of myself, surprises me, frequently. I actually feel comfortable in my skin now. Yeah, there are still some issues, such as bat wings, loose skin here and there and the SAGGING! :) But, I can live with that, and I am starting to accept compliments when I get them, with a simple, "Thank you!", instead of an embarrassed, "Oh, thanks, I am trying, but don't like how I look now", answer that was my standard response for years.

Yay for you. your story is so familiar. You look great! Belt out a song for all of us! Diane S

I have heard my story repeated, in various forms from other people with body issues. It is sad how some people's words can cut another so deeply, whether intended or not. It is also sad that we, as a society, have come to make body shaming an accepted form of prejudice. Hopefully, the tide is turning on that. Children shouldn't grow up with the idea that they are "less than" if they don't look perfect. It is an old story. In a way, I wish that I could have just been one of those women, who could accept and love herself no matter what weight I was. I actually admire people like that. But in another way, if it weren't for the fact that I could never accept myself, the way I looked and felt, I would have never had this surgery, and never lost the weight. This would most certainly lead to a myriad of health problems and a shortened life.

So true -- that the journeys others led us on can lead us to the roads we wanted to travel in the first place. Doesn't always work out that way. But when it does we are fortunate indeed.