Keeping your surgery a secret?

I also had a best friend (more like a sister) who had pulled away somewhat..

I had complained about weight (and actually doing something about it)

with her for DECADES..

I  told her before hand, all my reasons and why fors...

But our relationship changed b/c we were no longer an obese couple (hubby had it too!!)

that they could gorge with, in a way I felt bad (and over ate, in some early occasions with her)

but in the end, this is my LIFE I was talking about, I don't know your age, and that may have 

more importance, but in the end, it all works out...v

if she's so shallow that she cuts someone out of her life, because they got healthy,

shes NOT worth having in your life...

your whole attitude will change and quickly, you'll see..

my friend is still my friend and we actually went for breakfast today and as always had a blast...

(before I had my surgery my mantra with her was, don't take it personally, it's more about her feelings about herself than you)

some words of advice that has helped me tremendously:

do not bring up your weight loss unless she shows more than just a passing interest..

(as we as women know, there'll be jealousy there)

NEVER give dieting advice, she will continue to ***** about her weight...

if she's not interested in having the surgery herself...she just wants to *****

DO NOT commiserate when she complains about weight cause whether or not you want to 

believe it, your now the "skinny *****" it's not her fault about thinking that way, it's just her mindset...

and I can NOT stress this enough, do NOT allow her/her opinions/feelings to let you Change your mind!!!

she'll either come around or not in time...but if not...what kind of friend was she really??

I wish you good luck and success!!!

Edited to add: I also had a cousin that she says I inspired her to loose the weight the "right" way and she dieted and exercised her way down 40lbs in 3 years..

shes the type of person that would both loose and shove her method in your face to show you up

( God bless..)

your friend may do this..and make a point of telling you about it every chance she got...

 

 

My fat friend and I have redefine our friendship.  It no longer revolves around food, we find other things to do rather than eating out! Movies, Painting, even the thing I hate the most, shopping.  She's even willing to help sample new recipes I try and is very supportive.  You might be surprised... you could end up being inspirational to her :)

I'm a very private person, I only shared with my husband and kids.  It's not a secret and I told my kids if someone asks they can tell - but ultimately I don't feel a need to go around telling everyone about my decisions I'm making for my health.  They will all probably find out in time.  Funny I thought someone would notice at our first family bbq - nope!  :)

 

tell who you want when you want.  

If she is your real friend - she would support you no matter what.  When you start losing weight - she will figure out and most likely she would get upset and .break the friendship. Hiding things like that from someone you call a close friend is not good... 

tell her now - tell her later -..Now - it is a chance she will still be your friend... later - the chances are much much smaller..

obesity - brought the 2 of you together... when you no longer obese- do you have other things in common? interests? activities? 

if not .... then the friendship will end ... some friendship ends...and you will find new friends..

Trying to hide the reason for drastic weight loss is like trying to hide a pregnancy. Those around you will notice (how could they not?) and start making some shrewd guesses. Then it's the "trying to fend them off" game, in which you'll be forced to lie, even if by omission, if you're determined to protect your privacy.

Be honest instead. When I was skinny in my 30s and my friend since our teenage years gained quite a bit of weight, it didn't make one bit of difference in our friendship. When we were both overweight, we stayed friends, not because of our weight issues, but because she's a gem of a person (I have no idea why she likes me. ). Now that I'm skinny again and she's still obese, guess what? -- we're still the best of friends. 

If your friendship with this person is based solely on the shared miseries of obesity, then you might lose a friend when you lose weight. It's a shame, but that's no foundation for a lasting friendship anyway.

 

psychoticparrot

I have told my best friend (who I also work with) but the rest of the office, I have not. They are vicious, manipulative women in their late 20s who think their crap don't stink. Vanity and status is everything to them. I'm a strong woman that holds her own and a higher title so I've never let on that it gets under my skin sometimes because I don't dare show any weakness around these hyenas. Thus they know I am having surgery as I have had to submit my 2 weeks off but they think it's for a different reason even though I never mentioned what it was for. They made their own assumptions that it has to do with my Autoimmune disease. So I am just going to ride on the coat-tails of that and continue to remain tight lipped. It's none of their business and it's not a lie if it was an assumption on their part.

It's always better to just be candid.  Many of us who have been overweight have put up with a lot of criticism and passive harassment over the years.

If she is truly your friend she will not stop being your friend.  I have skinny and fat friends alike.  I mean, if you are not judgmental about her weight, she will not necessarily stop talking to you.  If she feels threatened or nervous because you had surgery, that's something to keep in mind.

As for bonding, you can definitely find new things to bond over.  If not... being a counselor has taught me that people wander in and out of our lives.  If she wanders out, and if she was reinforcing bad behavior, well.  It would be sad, however I'd argue it wouldn't be bad in the long run.

Surgery has changed me, though.  I'm 100% more confident and sure of myself, even though I'm only at 50% EWL still (140 pounds down, about that to go).  I don't tolerate attempts to sway me from my diet, and I also don't tolerate friends justifying my old bad habits.  There is an interesting mental shift that happens I wasn't expecting.

THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH EVERYONE!!!

 

You have given great advice and I really appreciate you taking your time to respond.

 

I have decided I will be telling her. I am afraid but I have to be an adult about it. This surgery will change my life forever and I feel all those who want to support me will. And those who don't, don't have to. I will still carry on.

 

Thank you all again! 

I kept my surgery info to myself and immediate family (and best friends)... The one that I thought would be supportive because I knew her longer... Turned into an (please excuse my language) a$$. She was what, about 90-100 lbs and would always say she was fat, I can only imagine what she thought of me. Roll reversal happened, she is now overweight/obese and says that she loves her curves.... She became a raging maniac, and would tell me off any chance she would get until I had enough and cut ties with her, recently she asked me to forgive her, but things will never be the same.

As for my other best friend, I thought he would say something not favorable, but turned into my biggest support pillar. I am so thankful that this experience brought us closer, and he helped me make fashion choices (you know, trying to dress a new body is a *****allenging). 

 

So what I can say is, tell the people you what them to know or not know. You'll watch destiny or whatever you want to call it, unfold itself. You will learn who your real friends are. I also lost some extended family connections due to this. It's just the way some people are.

But now, after time has passed, I don't care if people know if I had surgery or not, I am very proud of everything I have accomplished and I owe my new life to it. So if people can't take it, they can keep moving along. I don't need negativity in my life, I love myself too much for that!

 

So, at the end of the day, go with your gut/instincts. I wish you well in your journey, and remember you're worth much more than other people's opinions. Even though it's very hard when that person is your best friend.

I just had VSG surgery and I've told 6 ppl.  You're friend will notice you aren't eating much.  I would tell her if you do see her often enough that she will notice those changes.  She will worry about you and if she doesn't support you she was never a true friend.  Besides this might motivate her to make a similar change. 

Tell her why you are doing it and the benefits!  She will listen and eventually be supportive!