Keeping your surgery a secret?

Good morning, friends!

I have some serious inner turmoil going on. My surgery is scheduled for 6/30 and I have not told my best friend of 20 years. Please allow me to explain...

I am afraid of the "fat girls stick together" mentality. If I lose a ton of weight, she won't want to go places, hangout with me any longer. I've seen this happen countless times. The fact that we are both big has become something we sort of "bond" over. We complain we're fat, we overeat, complain about that, complain we can't find clothes, etc.

Secondly, a past mutual friend of ours had lapband surgery 10 years ago. She kept it from the both of us until the day before her surgery. I was supportive, yet a bit stunned she didn't discuss it with me until zero hour, my best friend however...cut ties with her almost immediately.

I am very afraid of her reaction. Very afraid. Even though we are friends who only see each other every couple of months (we live two states away), she is still a very dire person in my life. Do you all agree or disagree with me keeping my VSG a secret? Would I actually be able to play if off when we're actually together, like on vacation?

Thank you!!!!

Be honest and tell her up front asap.  If your friendship of 20 yrs can't make it through that than she doesn't accept you for who you are.  Maybe she will think about getting surgery herself so you can go thru it together.

Either way, a true friend deserves the truth and you will feel better about yourself for being upfront whether she agrees with it or not.

Good Luck

PS:  you won't play it off if she knows you very well (on vacations)  your eating is going to drastically change and it will be noticed that you're eating teaspoons full of food instead of plate fulls

This truly is the next stage of life - and you will not be able to fake it - even if you wanted to eat, doubtful you could.  Why did she cut ties?  If she is not going to be supportive, you may not want her in your life and that's a sad reality.  Hopeful for you that she is a true friend and will get through this.

Although the rule goes..... "Your body, your choice"

Telling the truth is much easier..... to keep a secret like this you will eventually lie or withhold which gets interpreted as a lie.

This is something that you do ultimately for you.

How can anyone fault you for taking steps to improve your life/health. I get the big girl thing, I had the same thing with the guy thing. We were the two fat guys in the group. I explained to him that I had to do this or I was in for a long road of health issues as family history dictates. He told me he was happy for me and has been a great supporter.

He has since been diagnosed as pre-diabetic and through my nutrition education I have helped him eat cleaner, lose weight and get his numbers lower and out of the pre-diabetic range. 

It is incredibly hard to do this, regardless of what you read here, most people never make it close to goal and the regain rate is much higher than you/we think.

This is serious **** if your going to do this, be "all in" and don't let anybody or anything get in your way !!!

You can do this !!!

frisco

You might be able to hide it for a little while. But in the end, there's no such thing as a secret. The changes in you will be dramatic -- weight, size, eating habits, etc. -- and everyone will figure it out.

Remember how you were stunned when your friend told you last minute? How will people feel if you don't tell them at all, or if you lie about it? When they find out, they'll be understandably upset. It's best to be upfront.

Sit down with her. Tell her. Let her know it upset you when she cut your other friend off after her surgery, and you're afraid she'll do the same with you. After that, it's up to her.

^^^ What Grim said.

Your friend will consider it more of a betrayal if you DON'T tell her.  And if she kicks you to the curb because you're losing weight, well, she's not as good of a friend as you may think she is.  Who knows?  Your success might inspire her.  If it doesn't, no big deal.  You're doing this for your life, your health, your peace of mind.

I didn't withhold the information from anyone.  For me, integrity is an important character aspect.  If you lie about it, you lose all credibility when someone discovers the truth (for example, Starr Jones).

I also think we have to stop feeling ashamed of undergoing surgery to lose weight.  It's taking control of your life in a very serious way.  

I would go with what Frisco said.  The truth is easier and she will know soon anyway. 

I have a best friend who is not very heavy, but probably with a bmi in the overweight/ or the edge of obese - not nearly as heavy as I was - so I didn't think it an issue.  but it turns out we had a tough time.  It was difficult for her that I was thinner than she was after I lost weight.  She has an older sister who is very competent and athletic and stylish, and I think it triggered some of those feeling of not being able to compete. 

She pulled away and started avoiding me. It was a big loss for me.   It took some time, but we've put the friendship back on track over the past year. 

I think you have to do what you have to do.  But don't give up on the friendship.  Hopefully, you can rebuild it on a new level.

best wishes,

Carol 

I have not had the surgery yet. Been reading these boards for about a year and a half and go back and forth with it.  I do have an appt with my doc at the end of this month to see about a referral for it.

With that being said if I do get it I will keep it a secret with only my husband and 22 year old son knowing.  I also have a friend of 23 years.  We often meet for lunch and pedi's and they come over to our house for pool, beer and eating!  I don't want the surgery until after summer so that will help with part of that. But, I have gone on diets before and told her I had to eat at subway because of it and she doesn't like subway. lol So, I will go that route again.

Now being on vacation might be harder to pull off.  But, just say you are serious about it this time etc.  Could maybe get away with saying your stomach isn't right.  I don't know.

Also, for us we are big beer drinkers.  I will just say I'm REALLY trying to lose weight and not drinking for a while.

My reason for not telling is my bmi is 34 and I can hear everyone saying you aren't big enough etc, etc. 

Also, I don't want people commenting on what I am eating all the time or constantly asking about my weight.

Also, I love her to death but she is pretty judgemental about stuff.  I don't need that or want it! From her or anyone else! Like my mom! I could just hear her trying to embarrass me in front of people about it, because that is the way she is!

Good luck with your decision!

I have to tell you that although I did tell almost everyone I am close to, the biggest shock came from one of my best friends who, funny enough, just like you are saying, is one of my "fat girls stick together" buddies. I was very shocked at her response. We've been friends for over 25 years, since we were little kids. We've always been the "bigger girls" in the group. She knows I have struggled and tried and struggled and tried, most of our lives. I never thought she would have the shocked and "totally against it" reaction that she had and unfortunately, she hasn't spoken to me since. I'm kind of shocked with her, but I am glad I told her for the simple fact that I love to share my life with my best friends, no matter what they think and I am sure she would be pissed at me if she found out from someone else if I didn't tell her. So I feel a sense of peace even though she is against me having the surgery. Hey, it is what it is. Sorry she feels that way.

The only thing I can say is, it is YOUR surgery, YOUR life, YOUR choice to tell who you wish to tell and whoever you do not wish to tell. There is no rule where you MUST tell everyone. And if you never want to tell her, just tell her you decided to start working out and really watching what you eat and it finally worked for you. It never worked for me, but it does work for some people.

Good Luck!!!