NO Sleep !

I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the upcoming day 4/21 - waiting for pre-op consult on 4/6. Was out last night and had a few beers and a half a fahita wrap and half a of potato skin, all good....and woke up wandering if I would ever do it again. I struggle bck and forth until of course the sun is about to rise and figure I am up now. My mind continues to race and I go through all the good, bad, and ugly.  I know there is sacrifice and I get angry that I could not do this on my own which I have done many times before and now with this I feel forced = forcing myself that is - that it is what it is and will make me the way I always wanted, but there is work involved -more than people think.  I think this is harder than people realize and I am not talking about the surgery - but the emotional roller coaster I am on now.  I try and focus on all good, but the creep of those other things wake me in the night and my mind starts.  I do not want to over think it, but am and just need to get there.  It is the fear of change and fear of the unknown of how your body responds....what I guess is most daunting is the brain and how it gets scrambled..............but how can I think that when if all I want to do is exercise and eat right and stick around for the next 30 40 years.....I can not exercie because I am too big and the roadblocks keep blocking.  I am just beat up - waiting to pick myself up.  My wife is trying to be strong and I know she wants me to have this done - as I want it done - I know this is a game changer and know it needs to be done...I guess that only 3 people know what I am doing is weighing on me....my family does not know yet and will not until the day before...there is some negativity although I know they would support me unconditionally...I would hear it and they are worriers.  I told the people that really had to know for work purposes so I can take time from work and they can run the show while I go.  There is more positives then negatives in all this - but some risk I guess like everything in life.  My biggest fear comes aftter the fact and the feeling of being trapped on not being able to be normal....people will read my cards and that I guess is ok...so be it = they have never walked in my shoes!   Sorry for the rant - Just nervous and feeling unsettled!

Hugs..  Be well..

A few notes...

Telling family a day before surgery can expose you to their anxiety and comments just before you surgery. Making the day itself more stressful for you and your wife.  As much as I hate that - some of my family members know nothing about my surgeries until at least a week or so after...when I have time to recover and deal with their issues... 

As for being "normal" feeling "normal".. MO or SMO is not normal. The way I ate before my WLS was not normal...  Now I am not "normal" in a different way... I am different... Don't think "normal" or not - think - "good for you..."... Different... 

Trapped - I used to feel trapped inside MO body... I CHOSE WLS...but it is a tool only that helps me stay on track...(i still have to do all the work) and gives me a fighting chance to be more "normal".,

Good luck... 

JP-

     Your "wonderings" are completely normal.  I was successful on my pre-op diet and often wondered if I really needed to have most of my stomach removed.  I got to the place where I recognized that being morbidly obese was killing me and any longevity I could hope for.  I had lost and gained 100+ repeatedly, and desperately needed to get to and stay in a healthy place.  I counted on my sleeve as a "tool"  to give me an edge... a fighting chance at weight loss.

     I am so grateful for my sleeve.  I stayed 100% on plan post-op. I was determined to get the biggest bang for those early months.  I focused on making healthy eating and healthy activity new habits.  As I neared goal, I began to research and plan maintenance like I researched and planned for my VSG.

     I LOVE my new normal.  I still plan, measure and log my food every day... I always will need that structure.  I usually plan a day ahead so that if there is something I want to eat, I can plan for it and make sure I get in all of my protein and macros.  I do have to eat protein forward, typically keep my carbs below 80and make sure to get all of my water.  It doesn't work for me to allow simple sugar and carbs back in on a regular basis and it also doesn't work for me to totally restrict anything.... so it is all about finding balance.  It is all about consciously deciding if you want that wrap enough to compensate for it in other ways.

     IMO, maintenance is 80% mental, 10 % food and 10% activity.  Keep thinking things through, gathering information, and getting your head in the game.  You've got this !!

Ooh, I remember those few days b4 surgery. Your mind is racing, all the what ifs pop in your head, I had those thoughts even as I was sitting in the waiting room with my stylish gown, cap & matching booties. I kept thinking, its not too late, I can still back out. Then I took a deep breath & let them wheel me in.

Everything you're feeling is totally normal. I'd wait on telling the rest of the family, this is your moment. Whatever they feel whether its positive or negative will be piled on you at a time when you're feeling the most vulnerable. If they have a problem, guess what, its their problem not yours.

You're going into your "new normal". The emotional stuff is a real rollercoaster ride, but its so worth it! Good Luck on your upcoming surgery.  

Tell your family after the surgery, and a few days after. Give yourself the gift of time to adjust a bit and work your way through those first trying days. I remember worrying about not being normal, or mourning portion sizes, or dinner out. There is nothing to worry about- I still go out, albeit I wasn't much of a drinker before surgery and now almost never. I am actually more satisfied with portion sizes now than I ever was back in the dark days. It is normal to feel a little unsettled- don't back out! You will be so happy in 6 short months when your life has dramatically improved!

You came to the right place for this "rant", as you put it.  I can assure you that all your feelings are SO normal, and almost everyone here has probably felt the exact same way pre-op - I know I did.  Just know that you are doing a very brave and wonderful thing with this surgery, to improve both your health and happiness.  I don't think I've encountered anyone on this board *****gretted their decision after the first month or two.  You will be able to eat food again, but you will train yourself to make better choices. You're right - the emotional part is very hard work at times, but it's worth it.  Educate yourself as much as you can, and read this board daily both before and after surgery - it's very motivating and helpful. As I've said to others, try to relax and calmly take on this long, exciting journey. You'll be so glad you did (and your family will too).

Good luck!!

THANK YOU all for your replies! I do get a sense of comfort knowing and hearing from you. It certainly gets easier each day, as even its sounds redundant that I get more nervous..lol.

I just want to enjoy my kids and they can be proud of Dad....if I leave anything behind in my life, I want them to embrace change....because maybe that had always been my fear...now I will look this fear in the face and hope to grass will be greener! Please anyone and anytime I would love to keep hearing your trials and tribulations. 

Thanks again!