Feeling super down/lost/depressed

I have to 2nd the OA suggestion. I was chronically depressed and couldn't get a hold of it or my anxiety. It wasn't until I joined and got actively involved with OA that my depression has almost literally disappeared - it's nothing short of a miracle from a higher power because I've probably been severely depressed since age 10-11. I can't tell you what it is exactly about OA that led to this change but ....I put a lot of work into the program and I'm getting 10x the benefits. 

Be gentle with yourself first and foremost. Some of my depression resulted from being so hard on myself and judging and hating myself for having depression and anxiety. They are REAL MEDICAL conditions - we aren't just weak and all that other BS I hear from stupid people. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I promise you, you are not alone. I have felt this way too, I am pretty sure most everyone has. We made a huge change to our bodies, and so we think that by making this sacrifice of giving up eating any food we want, we deserve one thing, super fast easy weight loss. It is not always that easy though. With the weight loss comes other problems, but you are strong enough to work through those problems. Just think about where you were a year ago. I bet that in no way did you think you would ever be fitting into size 16 pants, wearing an XXL shirt, but you did it. At the time you felt hopeless, lost, stuck, but you overcame that. You fought your way through it, and you made it. Just like you will make it through this. 

I know you crave fruit and I think you should have some. My nutritionist tells me I can have fruit once a day. I try to limit it to once or twice a week, but one thing of fruit will not hurt you, nor will it send you on  path to weight regain. It is fruit, not a piece of ice cream cake :) It is okay to be strict with yourself, to expect yourself to eat healthy, but fruit is not unhealthy. If eating a slice of apple gives you peace, eat it and move on. You know how to eat healthy, you will be ok. 

Never ever feel like a burden to post your feelings here. Will some people respond negatively? always, but does that mean you are wrong? not at all. We are all human and we all have feelings, and they are not always happy and positive. We are here for eachother because we have something in common. Your feelings are not a burden, they are your feelings and you are entitled to them. You do not have to be happy to be welcome here :) 

Finally, maybe try mixing up your food menu. Maybe you just need more variety because you feel like you are restricted. There are healthy ways to eat so many things. Hamburgers with baked cheese as a bun, enchiladas without tortillas, breakfast fritatas made of just eggs and meat. Check out pintrest, maybe it will inspire you :)

You will be okay once you get it out of your head that you made a bad decision by having part of your stomach removed. I felt that way too, like "what did I do?!" but guess what, its done. There is no going back, there is only going forward. It is what it is, so make the most of it. Once you get to your goal weight you can eat things again that you couldnt before, and unfortunately that is why some people gain the weight back, but when you finally get there, you wont wont want to eat those things again because you will have seen how hard they were to get over. Food is drug, and you went cold turkey. Cold turkey is hard at first, but its the best way to stop a bad habit. Get through this and the rest is smooth sailing :) 

LosinginAZ,  thank you for your reply. I know there are healthy ways I can get my crave flavors in, I just sometimes I think I focus so much on what I can't have that I forget what I can have. Luckily I get paid this week so I am grocery shopping and meal prepping for the next week or so, I want to do meals that I enjoy, don't get sick of, and fall within my food nutrition metrics.

I am highly considering getting just a small package of raspberries or blueberries since the berries are lower carbs than other fruits just to have a few a day for a week and then maybe wait 2-3 weeks and do it again. Fruit was a staple of my diet before surgery, yes I ate crappy things too but I always ate fruit, my mom says even as a toddler I devoured any fruit that was put in front of me including lemon slices lol.

I appreciate you saying my feelings are not a burden, I am trying to get out of that head space, I don't always know why I hold so much guilt or shame or feelings like I don't deserve love/acceptance other than an emotionally distant father who told me I was being "over dramatic" most of my life. I hope you have a great day thanks again!

Are you in any kind of support group?  You are not alone in feeling out of control sometimes although to me it sounds like you are following the diet well.  Don't feel bad about to food envy...  I about drooled the other day when a friend was having blackberries.  They are my very favorite, and as I was eating my greek yogurt I wanted to stab her with my spoon and steal her fruit.  Truly.  She doesn't know how close she came to loosing an eye.

You are not a failure.  Please try to stop comparing yourself to others.. this is your own journey.  You didn't become obese overnight and you will not become a normal weight in 3 months post op.  You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.   

That being said, I do think you need some help.  I can somewhat understand your psychiatrist not wanting to adjust your meds just yet. It's early days and you are still adjusting. There is a lot of evidence about transfer addiction and substituting the food we can no longer abuse to something else to numb out the painful emotions.

Something you said struck me,

"I can feel myself drawing in and trying to block out the world, and it scares me, but I am so lost, I don't know what to do."

And in an earlier paragraph you said,

"That psychologist basically told me I was trying to hide from the world and that I wasn't trying hard enough to be "normal"."

First.. Screw normal, it's overrated and there is no such thing anyway.  But it sounds to me that you feel that your psychiatrist was partially right about you.  Perhaps you need to look at the bigger picture here.  As hard as it was to hear.

 I believe strongly in therapy, and along with medication it can be a lifesaver.  But simply adjusting your medication is not going to fix the problem.  Remember, your meds had been working fine up until now.  It's your life that has changed and your having difficulty with how much it has changed by the sound of things. So back to my original point.. If you can't afford to pay for a therapist/psych, have you thought about joining a local chapter of Overeaters Anonymous or some other support group?  OA is free and there you can talk and also listen to others who are experiencing very similar difficulties.  

I hope you can get some help.  Remember we are all here to listen.  

Chanti, first of all thank you for taking your time to reply, the love I felt this morning/last night seeing all these replies was pretty overwhelming. I am working on finding a support group, the one my surgery center does is free but it is literally smack dab in the middle of the evening 6pm and I work nights and I think I'll still be working nights when I get my new schedule issued at work in May. Once I have that schedule I figure out a solution though because it will be my schedule for the next year may of '16 to may of '17. I'm looking into OA, I'm slightly scared to go but I know it will help, I'm also looking for other free or reduced price options in my area that may be viable.

Probably a good thing you restrained yourself and didn't take out anyone's eyeball lol, that part made me giggle because when my coworkers order sushi or have fruit I feel the same way haha.

I don't disagree with everything the prior psych I saw said yes I know I am kind of trying to hide form the world, but she made me feel worse every time I saw her and when she told me I would rip open my stomach if I had VSG I knew she was not necessarily in touch with the real world either. The few times I have over eaten it hurts so bad that I don't care how food addicted you are I don't see how you could eat past the point of causing your stomach to rupture. 

I really am trying not to compare myself to others, it's been a life long struggle. I think part of it is being an only child so I am the only one that I felt had to make my parents proud, and there were no sibling screw ups for me to get breathing room so I have always put immense pressure on myself.

Either way I appreciate your sweet reply and I hope you have a great day!

Great advice above.  One thing to add.  Ask your primary doctor to order some blood work and see if you are Vitamin D deficient among other factors.  Low Vitamin D levels contribute to depression.  Maybe include a supplement with your other vitamins.

I do blood work for my 3 month follow up the beginning of April, hopefully I am not low in anything. I take 6000 units of D a day because I was low before I had surgery so we will see where everything lands when I get those labs back. Thank you for your thoughtful reply and have a great day!

So you've been really nice and supportive to me.  I think you've been doing really well and plan to take on a similar diet where I try to get rid of as many carby foods as possible.  I've vowed to not have any of my trigger foods like Starbucks, cookies, candy and other sweets.  As far as the fruit I had not thoughts much about it until you brought it up today.  I've not been much a fruit eater but I know it can be pure joy at time, I love berries for example.  Far be it from me to suggest you have some if it's not part of your greater plan, but maybe you could work on finding a way that a portion of your weekly food goals could include some fruit.  

I belive in balance in life.  I work with college kids and I tell them all the time to not take so many classes or work too many hours because they'll miss part of the experience.  In this cases maybe if you stay 100% true to your original goal you'd loose X amount of pounds in 6 months, but maybe with the addition of fruit 2-3xs a week you'd loose X in 7 months.  But the amount of happiness you feel would be more balanced and you'd be more happy.  

I know most of us are all in a hurry to loose weight as fast as possible, but if there is something like fruit that really has you bummed out try to make room for it.  Your totally right when you said above its not like you want total junk like chocolate, cake, or chips.

Anyway you've been an inspiration on here for me, I know you feel really distressed I hope you can find a doctor to help arrange your mess better for you.  I also hope you I'll find some balance that you can live with for your food and diet needs.  I'm here if you want to chat off line just PM me. 

TJ, thank you for your sweet reply, I think I am going to have to work fruit in, I can't explain how big of a part of my life was fruit before surgery.Yes I ate crappy foods too but fruit has been a life long love of mine, I don't think there is a fruit I don't like/love. I know I need balance, I just get nervous sometimes, but I don't think fruit will send me on some downward spiral, it's not like I'd be eating chocolate once a day/a few times a week or anything. Even like 8 raspberries as a snack twice a week would make me content. I now I cannot lose the weight overnight as it took 28 years to gain it I am just scared to slow my weight loss or screw up, I have never lost weight consistently like I am now and I don't want to eff it up. I almost cried when I read that you said I was an inspiration, I feel so honored, but also shocked, I am such a mess most of the time I don't see how I could inspire anyone lol, but thank you. Have a great day! 

You've inspired me because you write with passion, joy, and sadness.  Your food choices are similar as to what is like mine to be.  I see you post supportive messages and your involved.  Those are really great things!

You may feel like a personal mess right now but don't worry your going to find that right balance with food that you still maintain control over healthy eating, you are full, have energy for you hikes, and your satisfied.  Sometimes satisfied means eating enough but it also means that you like and enjoy what you have.  

Food dosent need to bring those bad types of joy like when I used to eat to feel happy, or to relieve a bad day.  But food an still bring happiness such as enjoying a few slices of a peach on a nice day.  There's a difference between eating foods emotionally and making crazy choices like stuffed crust pizza or enjoying some blueberries with lunch. 

You've got this.