Feeling super down/lost/depressed

This is going to be a somewhat depressing and probably long long post just FYI, I'd stop reading here if you don't want to deal with/hear about other people's emotional issues, because I am literally insane I think.

Lately despite my 75lb total weight loss since October 2015 and 50lb since surgery(12/17/15) I've been super down. I don't know if it's due to hormones being released from the fat stores (was warned about that in the seminar that I could become emotional or difficult to deal with as my mind and body changed down the road) or what it is. But I've missed tons of work out on FMLA for my depression which is not helping my financial situation. And now my fmla is not being renewed at the end of this month and I've already used all my days I'm allotted for the month. And I've had really bad anxiety too, 

My doctor (who up to this point I absolutely loved) is acting like I'm completely nuts and telling me this shouldn't be happening because I take regulatory medication for both my depression and anxiety. She won't switch my medication (even to something non habit forming) or dose, insisting I see a psychologist. which 1) I absolutely cannot afford because our insurance coverage changed the beginning of this year and the mental health coverage is total **** they literally cover like 30% and I cannot pick up the tab for the other 70% and there are no in network psychologists closer than 6.5 hours away in Seattle WTF? 2) The last psychologist I saw about 10 times last year completely made me feel worse, so now I'm a bit gun shy.

That psychologist basically told me I was trying to hide from the world and that I wasn't trying hard enough to be "normal", and wouldn't give me anything but what I already was (and still am) taking for my anxiety and depression or even let me take a higher dosage. She told me she worried I would get addicted to something stronger like xanax (which I didn't ask her for, so what?), but I've had no prior drug/substance issues nor did I ever tell her I did, nor do my medical records indicate I did since I haven't! I barely even drink! My last drink was mid June 2015, nothing since surgery, not even the urge to drink. I've basically decided I probably won't ever drink again, it doesn't do anything for me and it is just liquid calories. I mean maybe a sip of champagne for a toast at a wedding some day, never say never and all, but I'm just not into it. This is the same woman who told me I shouldn't have VSG because I'd binge eat and bust open my stomach, weird that hasn't happened *eye roll*. I don't see how anyone could bust their staple line anyways being too full is so damn uncomfortable I can't imagine doing that on purpose just to shove in some cookies.

I'm still hitting nutrient goals, and water goals and I've been hiking (when our crazy Idaho weather permits) and still walking 5 or more days a week and trying so hard to not eat too much processed junk (I do eat turkey bacon and deli lunch meat but that's about as processed as it gets) but I've barely lost 1lb over the last week. I'm sure it's just an off week/I'm gaining muscle or it could be related to that oh so special time of the month for a lady. I know the scale isn't the only indicator of success.

I was able to squeeze (and I mean could barely breathe but they zipped/buttoned) into a pair of women's sized 16 pants my mom bought me (for $1 at Goodwill, score!) for later down the line to wear, when I tried them on this past weekend. I also got a pair of women's Levi jeans on clearance for $11 that are an 18 and fit beautifully, and a women's XXL t shirt which equates I believe to a 1X in plus that actually fits well, has room. I started at women's size 22/24 pants and a 3-4z shirt so I keep trying to remind myself of that. But despite actually having a waist and sometimes feeling smaller and comfortable in my body the extra chins in the mirror tell me otherwise.

With self doubt already mounting I'm wondering if I'm just going to be stuck where I am (approx 248lbs) forever. Like maybe I am the one person surgery just doesn't work well for and I stay fat and I've forever altered my body for nothing, I know 75lbs isn't nothing, but I want to get to an ultimate weight of 150lbs by my two year surgiversary which is still 100lbs away but also I have until 12/17/17. And while it may have taken longer eventually I probably could have lost 75lbs on my own if I had tried really hard, but probably not, I don't know. I feel like I should have had surgery/started sooner when I was a lower weight, like maybe I let myself get to far gone and I'll never get to where I want to be because I didn't have surgery 2 years and 40 lbs ago when I first started considering it.

I know that is crazy and I'm just hardcore self doubting but I feel that way. I'm not eating too many carbs or too much fat, there are many days where I literally have 7 carbs (I never hit all the way to 40, the highest I've come is 35 and that is not a regular thing) all day and my protein is in the low 80's or higher. I've gone back to almost nothing that is frivolous or garnish or just added because I like the taste. I do eat maybe 1 greek yogurt a day(it helps with my digestion issues so I really don't want to cut it out), often times only half of one, no fruits, hardly any veggies, just like some cauliflower every once in awhile or maybe a brussle sprout here or there, or lettuce leaves used as a sandwich wrap. Mostly just meat meat and more meat with a small amount of low carb/cal cheese with decent protein. In fact I ended up throwing two low carb tortillas away yesterday that I had used to make wraps and just eating the meat because I felt wary about the carbs, and realized I didn't need them. 

I'm just frustrated, I feel like I am working so hard, but I've been this weight as an adult (granted it was 10 years ago when I graduated high school), and I want to seen a 1 as the first number on the scale so damn bad. I don't want my weight loss to be stalling or slowing down, that thought is terrifying as I'm only 14 weeks out, and I feel as though I am trying so much harder than anyone I know personally who has had surgery. My two girlfriends at work (who had VSG around when I did) eat fruits and bread and fast food, and I don't get jealous of the bread or fast food, but the amount of lust I have for that fruit is all encompassing. Yes I know that those are not healthy food thoughts, I know, please don't chide me for wanting fruit it's not like I'm lusting for chocolate or sweets. And I literally cried and hated myself about it already and felt like such a pathetic idiot. I just miss the days when I could just eat a cutie mandarin orange for a snack. I absolutely haven't cheated, I haven't binged, I gulp water like I'm drowning in it.

I feel like a failure, I really do. I'm in another funk of nothing sounds or tastes good other than fruit which seriously I feel like a psycho, because I think about fruit how I used to think about candy/cake/sweets. I watched my friend eat a sliced apple yesterday so intensely she offered me a slice(we're close and she has VSG a month before me so it wasn't weird) but I turned her down and tried not to stare like a dog begging for food and felt ashamed and apologized to her later. To her credit she hugged me and was very gracious and told me that maybe I should "relax and just eat an apple if I want one because maybe you're being too hard on yourself". I just mumble an agreement to keep the peace but in my mind I was like "no the carbs!"

I literally don't know what to do I am scared if I don't get grips on my anxiety and depression that I might completely lose touch with reality, or end up in a downward food spiral because I finally snap. I also worry that if I have to be this incredibly careful to lose weight how will I ever be able to bring cals or carbs up in maintenance. Am I just never going to be able to have an orange again? Don't get me wrong I love meat, it is tasty but will I never not even once every 6 months be able to eat a small small amount of pasta? Or a few french fries. Not all the time just like literally twice a year as a treat? I don't need those things I know, but how can anyone be perfect all the time? maybe that's why I am in a food funk? Because I've forced myself into this rigid little box and I feel trapped?

I just calculate my day based on nutrients and force it down, but I'm not hungry nor does the thought of even having to chew food sound appealing again other than fruit. I had a few days last week where I literally was in tears because I didn't want to eat but I knew I had to because I don't want to muck up protein goals, and I felt so full after just a few bites but I pushed through to get in a total 2 oz so I could hit goals. I just feel like a mess, and I have barely been posting on OH because I don't want to bother people or be a burden, and after the fiasco of being accused of trying to control someone' emotions I felt like no matter how well intentioned I meant something I apparently don't come off nice? I can feel myself drawing in and trying to block out the world, and it scares me, but I am so lost, I don't know what to do. Sorry for the ramble but I feel like a pot getting ready to boil over.

Find another doctor, STAT. Playing with psych meds is very much a game of trial-and-error, and a doctor who expects you to suck it up on the current med ****tail isn't worth your time. Look for a psychIATRIST, not a psychologist, as the former can actually prescribe medication. A psych NP could also handle meds, and they may be able to bill to insurance as "medication management" rather than "mental health services."

Hi Sparklekitty (can I say I adore that part of your username?) Believe me when I say if it was easy I would find a new doctor like that, but the hell I went through to get in with this doctor after leaving my last one I wouldn't wish on my greatest enemy. I had to be referred by a coworker whose mom works in the office because literally I called dozens of doctors on my preferred provider list and they all declined me as a new patient because I am on psych meds. Apparently a lot of doctors just don't want to deal with the emotionally unstable like me anymore. Like I said in my blanket reply from last night, I meant psychiatrist I was just so in a bad head space yesterday I used the wrong word, oops, sorry I am a spaz sometimes. I will look into the option of a psych np because I didn't know those existed, I mean I knew nps existed so I don't know why I never thought of one that is specialized in psych. Thank you for your reply I appreciate it, a good nights sleep and lots of prayers and the support of this community has me feeling a bit better and brighter, but I know once I get to work that could all fall apart (I'm looking for a new job) because of the stress it causes me. Hope you have a great day!

^^^ What Julie said.  You need your psych meds adjusted if you're feeling this depressed.  Don't take no for an answer.

Hiya Geekmonster, I am going to take Julie's advice and look for a psych np because that may be cheaper route insurance wise, I appreciate your support and reply, sometimes I am just afraid to speak my mind when it comes to doctors because they always act like "I'm the doctor so I know" and then I feel rude for questioning their years of medical learning/certification but I know I need to get over that because my health has to come first. I hope you have a great day!

Is there no Social Worker or Psychiatrist working with your surgeon's office?  I am in Toronto and here they are part of the team.

You do not want to be on XANAX - most psychiatrist won't prescribe it anymore - it kills and is highly addictive. There are antidepressants that help with anxiety. What are you taking?

If you normally used food to numb out feelings and anxiety, this may be why your depression has gotten worse.

Also, do you spread out your dosage over the day and not take it all at once? I do that and it helps to even out my dosage my stomach has to deal with.

I am not clear whether you have seen your family doctor as well as your surgeon.  If your surgeon is not helping you then see your family practitioner and ask about psychiatrists that work on a sliding scale or work out of hospitals, etc. where services would be covered by ObamaCare or whatever insurance you have.

You are at the three month and everyone goes through a stall at this stage. Don't worry, if you are eating according to plan, your weight loss will restart but be aware it may be a few weeks.

I stuck to a low carb, less than 30 grams per day, and high protein diet for a year. No fruit - that was my choice.  I will  admit that maintenance did not go well for me.  By 18 months out I started regaining and that was due to bingeing and sneaking in more carbs and sugar. 4 years out I am now losing the regain by acknowledging that I am a food addict and that I cannot eat my trigger foods at all or else I am once again craving and bingeing. 

Don't look at what others are doing and compare. That is a recipe for problems.  Everyone is different.  I was diabetic before surgery and am still insulin resistant.  Most people do not deal well with carbs   Some plans say you can eat up to 100 in maintenance.  I Can't and you will have to figure out whether your body reacts significantly to carbs or not and most agree carbs which is sugar to the body, leads to cravings and more eating of sugar. You don't want to go down that road, believe me. BUT, you may not be ready to hear this as right now you are early out and think you will never again crave, or overeat or binge ever again. If you are not working on figuring out why you use food, you will return to eating foods you shouldn't be eating.  

Your brain needs some carbs to work well. Don't cut out all carbs but stick to veg or milk products to get in your basic level of carbs say 25=30 per day.  You will feel better and it shouldn't affect your weight loss. I had to drink protein drinks the first 6 months to meet my protein goals.  At three months out I could only eat 1 ounce of dense protein per meal.  Spread your protein out over three meals and two snacks.  I still do that as I can only eat 21/2 ounces now at a time if I want to get some veg in.  I stick to broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, onions, red peppers, celery and cabbage. 

I don't think you are crazy, just going through food withdrawal and heightened anxiety.  Don't worry about 6 months from today, don't worry about tomorrow.  Stay present in today and make good decisions today. 

There are tons of books on binge eating, overeating, food addiction, etc. that you can borrow for free from you local library. Go to a bookstore to see what books resonate with you and then go to your library to get it - no cost. 4 years out, I still read daily on these issues to keep them front and center. 

Good luck - If you feel suicidal or out of touch with reality, this is an emergency and you need to go to ER NOW. Please be good to yourself and get help anyway you can.  A local support group or even one person you can call and who will understand what you are going through can help. Have you considered Overeaters Anonymous?

 

  

Hi Paula, first of all the fact that you're in Canada says a lot your universal healthcare sets the standard for what universal health care should be and honestly depending on who are next president is I might just see about immigrating your way, I hear it's colder, but I live in Northern Idaho so I am used to cold. My surgeons office has a councilor but not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I am calling them to find out about recommended resources.

I am on prozac for my depression and lamictal which is more for bipolar disorder (though I have never officially been diagnosed with that) it does handle anxiety too.

I know I need to deal with food issues, I 100% know I am a food addict and I used it for comfort and to numb pain. I know that I don't want a transfer addiction to a prescription drug or anything else. I am hoping to get to OA or a free counseling (possible religious based through my church) group once my schedule changes at work next month, we rotate schedules once a year and until I know what I am going to be working it is hard to work these things in.

I'm trying so hard not to compare, I know it's wrong, but I honestly have a hard time because I am bery hard on myself and expect a lot from myself and when I fail I can have some very negative/mean self talk.

Pretty much all my carbs do come from diary with the very very occasional carb coming from say chicken wings which for 3 wings have 1 carb or a cauliflower crust mini pizza (5 carbs for the crust). But those are a once  or twice a month weekend food, as I am slightly more relaxed on my eating on weekends. I'm not complacent I just let myself have a few more cals (still under 700) and a few more carbs (still under 40 which is my top end for carbs) but I don't strive to get 100 grams of protein just my minimum 60s and I let the fat be slightly higher, and if I want something in a reasonable amount that fits in those guidelines I will have it. I also hike on the weekends so I look at it as I might need a few more carbs after an hour or more of intense hiking.

I know I need to stay in the present but that is what anxiety does to me it makes me consider every time but the present; that stupid thing I did/said two weeks ago, or what I will do when I am in maintenance 10 or more months from now. I am truly scared for the maintenance part, because I now know what I need to lose weight, but I have never had to maintain. I've only ever gained or lost in my life, I am not sure how to find the balance.

Definitely would never hurt myself or kill myself. I lost my favorite aunt last year that way, and it still haunts me and I think about her and cry several times a week, it shook our whole family.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, have a nice day!

 

 

 

Prozac is one of the worst anti=depressants if you have anxiety.  It increases the symptoms.  Celexa or Effexor really help with anxiety.  I am not bi polar so have no idea whether you can even take these drugs.

If you get a book on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy it will address your self talk.  Mine is bad too but every now and again I remember what I am supposed to do and it still works.

You can attend OA online meetings.  Not as great as live meetings but good in a crunch.  I am doing one tonight as my two TV shows I watch are on tonight.  The only TV I watch of course. If you are involved in a church give them a call and see if they can help you with a referral or maybe there is someone in the congregation that will see you at a reduced rate.

In Canada, our healthcare does cover out patient hospital therapy or community social workers, etc.  but most psychiatrists and psychologists are private and charge huge amounts that my work insurance does not cover.  Do you have mental health or community care available through Social Services?  Do you live near a psychiatric hospital that has an ER.  If it is within a few hours drive give them a call and see what is available.  At least they can address you meds situation right away.

Here in Toronto the winters are not severe.  I am originally from Windsor, just across a 1 mile river from Detroit and they get very mild winters as does lower BC mainland (although housing in BC is prohibitively very high. The prairies and the east cost get the worst winters.  I think you could find a city that will better weather wise than Idaho.  

I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, so I'm going to keep this short and I promise not to be offended if you want to skip it and not respond.

I agree with Sparklekitty Julie. I'd add: losing weight can change the way your body responds to the medicines and doses you're taking. I'm still pre-op but I've already had some problems because of my pre-op loss. Legit reason to have medications adjusted.

Please don't apologize for having a hard time(which was in essence what I was trying to say in the other post--which is all I'll say about that because I can see it's a sore subject and I truly want you to feel better, not just argue and be rightJ). It sucks that you feel this way, but working through it is a good thing--however you need to work through it, whether it's on these forums or in person with someone. You don't have to put on a smile that you don't feel, or stop posting(really please don't stop posting) because you don't feel like you can do it cheerfully right now.

I know I'm not where you are in my journey yet, but it sounds like you're in that mourning stage that pretty much everyone seems to go through. If you can't wrangle a visit with a counsellor, are there support groups near you that you could attend?  Just saying the words out loud to someone who understands might help. Journaling about what you're feeling and going through might help too, if you're not ready to have those conversations out loud.

You will absolutely lose more weight. It's unfortunate that this stall has happened when you're vulnerable to it, but it *is* a stall. This is the third or fourth post I've read this week where someone worried they'd just be the one person that their surgery wouldn't work for. You feel alone, but you're not alone. If you search "won't work for" in every single one of the surgery forums, you'll get loads of posts with those words either in the title or in the body of the post. 

I'm not normally someone to quote the bible, so I'll paraphrase Mark Lowry quoting the bible instead:  My favorite verse in the bible is It came to pass.  Whatever you're going through right now, it will pass. It came to pass, it didn't come to stay.

Darcy, first of all given the short history we had which wasn't optimum thank you for your thoughtful reply. Secondly I don't want to have issues with you but my feelings were very hurt from our last interaction (I'm a very sensitive soul), I apologize if I upset you I'd like to move forward if we can, I don't want to have issues with you, you seem like a nice woman and I am sure I over reacted some. I know the community is here for a reason, I just always in life feel like a burden, I guess being told your whole life that your feelings are you being "over dramatic" and "attention seeking" (my father doesn't believe in most mental illness so much of this came from him) will do that to someone. I know my feelings are valid it's just that I feel like I shouldn't air my "dirty laundry" so to speak or burden others when they have their own problems. It's just how I was raised/conditioned. I am taking Julie's advice to heart, I want to be emotionally stable, as soon as I get my new schedule next month for work I am seeing if I can go to OA or find a free group therapy setting in my area.   Not offended at all that you quoted the bible, but I appreciate that you were trying to be sensitive not knowing everyone's beliefs. Have a good day!