Self Destructing Post Op VSG

Hello all!

New here and just reaching out. I had my VSG in June 2014. I was a binge eater mostly with occasional bouts of complete abstinence from food for days. Food was my only comfort throughout a troubled childhood. I was 270 at my heaviest at 5ft tall. I struggled with high blood pressure,  dizziness from heart murmur, blood sugar issues, PCOS, infertility, asthma, and of course joint pain. Although married aince 2011, I largely went through surgery and loosing weight alone. My husband is over 300 pounds. I stayed strong for over a year and lost 100 pounds. 

As of late I have started feeling major compulsions to binge. I have gained 10 pounds in 3 weeks. I have been eating around my sleeve by constantly eating when alone. I purposly have started agruements just so I can be alone to binge. A few times I was in severe pain from eating too much. I have never felt so alone. My husband has always sabotaged me, especially now since I am still unable to get pregnant. I just am tired of being strong. He and my family have verbalized their preference for me being obese and always 'agreeable'. I discovered my voice and no longer put up with mistreatment but this has competely alienated me. I have my health back, with exception to not being able to get pregnant. No more constant medications and difficulty getting around, but I feel like I traded my life and my family for it. I can't leave my marriage due to my young daughter. 

How do I fight the urge to self distruct?? I havent reached for food to comfort me in 18 months, so why now? I feel so lost and alone. I think if nothing else but food and its getting worse. I feel so out of control. Please any words or advice would be so appreciated. 

I am so sorry that you are going trough this. From what you described your binge eating seems to be how your are dealing with your present situation. Seek counseling ASAP before it gets out of control, don't sabotage all of your hard work. I wish you the best!

You can leave your marriage, even with a young daughter.  It would not be easy, but it is doable. If you truly believe you should divorce, then you will find the strength to take the necessary steps.

I can't say whether you should leave or not, because there is not enough information....i.e. - Are you employed?  Do you have family members who would support you emotionally and/or financially?  Is your husband the father of your daughter, or is she from a prior relationship? Would child support be available?  The list of questions is too long for anyone to give advice, but we can offer encouragement and/or suggestions.

There are several issues to be addressed.....depending on whether you want a divorce, or you want to work things out.........

Counselling for you.

Consult an attorney.

Get a Social Worker to help you find information about resources that are available to you.

Speak with family members to see what help they can provide.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time and facing these troubles.  You say your husband has a history of sabotaging you - but you found the strength to go through the process of having WLS. I was weak and stayed in an abusive relationship, which I deeply regret.  We can't make other people change, we can only change ourselves.  You have to think not only of yourself, but of your daughter too.

I hope you take action to resolve your problems.  It will take hard work but it will be worth it in the end.  Good luck to you. 

A woman  went to a lawyer and told him she wanted a divorce.  Not only did she want out of the marriage, but she also wanted to make her leaving hurt as much as possible for her husband.  The lawyer advised her to take three months and during that time to be the sweetest, most agreeable, and most loving wife in existence.

Then after that three months, when her husband was confident that he had a wonderful marriage, the woman was to return to the lawyer and they would start the divorce proceedings.

 The woman went home and followed instructions.  She was sweet and loving to her husband.  She defended him and praised him in front of other family members.  She prepared special meals and treats for him.  She took extra care with her home and her appearance and made their time together pleasant and peaceful.  She praised his efforts and told him how much she appreciated him.

The three months passed and the woman went back to her lawyer.  The lawyer told her to prepare to leave the house and that divorce papers would be served to the husband the following day.  The woman held up her hand and told the lawyer to stop.  She no longer wanted a divorce because she had fallen in love with her husband again.  

You have been through an emotional time both mentally and physically.  You are also feeling unappreciated and unloved.  Your husband has the same feelings.  Changing your behavior might be the answer.  Think about setting a date for the divorce and then making him feel that he is loved and appreciated.  If things change, you will both be happy.  If not, you will leave him feeling strong and in control.

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Please take care of yourself, and know that "this too shall pass."  (That's one thing you learn with age.

I have just a few thoughts.  I've had times in my marriage when I felt as you do, and with time and counseling we made our way thru and my hubby and I are together and stronger than ever.  So whatever path you choose, there will be happiness in your future, even if you cannot see it now.

I also had PCOS and struggled with infertility.  My hubby and I adopted two children, who are now adults.  We have two grandchildren, and the kid are doing ok.  You will find a way to have all the love and family that you desire. 

It doesn't surprise me that you are using food for comfort.  We are well conditioned to do this.  We try to build other ways of self-comforting, but when things get really bad, food is still the go-to for me.  I just try to limit it as much as I can.

One thing I'd suggest is giving up the carbs.  For me the carb monster is relentless, and if you can overcome the carbs, you may be able to do better over all.

Hang in there.  I'll hold you in my prayers.

Carol

First, decide what you can change and what you can't. You can change the way you eat by seeking immediate professional help for your binge eating disorder and returning to the basics of healthy sleeve eating. Get your own "house" in order before you decide what to do about your marriage. 

psychoticparrot

As someone with disordered eating, I sympathize with your situation.  In the early days post-op it sometimes seems like our desire for the "bad" foods will be gone forever.  That's just an illusion, unfortunately.  The compulsion to use food to push down negative feelings and emotions will raise its ugly head again (like it has for you, like it did for me) and you will have to deal with it or risk gaining all the weight back. 

I had to get into therapy with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and I faithfully attend Overeater's Anonymous meetings.  They are invaluable to me because only there do I meet other people who have done the same weird **** with food that I have (like starting arguments so you can eat alone.) 

Do a search for meetings on oa.org to see if there are meetings in your area.  If there aren't any, you can participate in online and phone meetings.  

Therapy will cost you but OA is free - it can't hurt to try it.  

I'm not going to tell you that you should leave your husband or that you shouldn't, but I will tell you that I was raised in a family where my mother stayed with my father "for us kids." Even though she tried to hide it, we always knew that she was unhappy and we were quite often sad for her.

The results of this?

1) When we were old enough to have serious relationships, not one of us knew how to have a healthy one. I wound up in an abusive relationship, my sister is married to a verbally abusive drunk and staying with him "for the kids", and my brother is a doormat to his wife. Not all of that can be blamed on my mom's choice, but it would have helped us to have seen how a happy marriage is supposed to be. (I left the abusive guy and am in a happy non-abusive relationship now.)

2) Us three kids have a horrible relationship with our father. My mom is still with him (God knows why. He hasn't changed a bit.), but if she left him I don't think any of us would ever see him again. I know I wouldn't.

(There was a third point, but I can't remember it now.)

Anyway, my point: if you can use some of these other posters advice and make your marriage happy again, good for you. If your marriage isn't happy, please don't use your child(ren) as a reason to stay. Do them a huge favor and get out so that you might be able to show them what a happy and healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

I am sending you huge hugs! I will say much of the same things others already have but...here goes:

My first suggestion is to seek out an Overeaters annonymous group or if one is not available an AA meeting. The 12 steps are so very helpful to all of us who use substances to push away our pain and the support you will get is invaluable.  Next you need to find a counselor who can help you work through the painful history you have with food, the problems you are having in your marriage and the desire to harm yourself because of it all. 

Please know we are here for you and I personally will be praying for you! 

I'm very sorry this is happening. It sounds very hard. I really hope that you can find a therapist to help you learn some new techniques for managing this situation. A support group like OA might also be helpful. Eating disorders are treatable. You've fought it before and you can fight it again.

In my experience, abusive partners are incredibly hostile to their partner changing in any way that inhibits the abusive partner's favorite activity: malevolent, cruel manipulation. I don't know whether or not you should leave your husband, but I do urge you to consider the kind of relationship your daughter sees as she grows up. You've done a lot to change your life and become a healthier and happier person. Give yourself some credit for that and I hope that you can find a way to make whatever changes you need to make to get back on a path that makes you happy. Actually happy. 

I'm rooting for you.