Worried about friend but trying not to judge
Wow. This is a tough one. I think I'd take to Socratic approach and ask questions. How is the weight loss going? How is the diet going? Do you have strategies for managing the stress with the pending divorce? Is there any way I can support you?
Sometimes with big life changes, people just have to do what they need to survive, and for many of us eating is our most effective way to self-comfort.
I'd encourage her to be careful of her health, and build support systems for herself. And be there non-judgmentally. I think that's what she needs most now.
You are a good friend to be concerned.
Carol
Surgery May 1, 2013. Starting Weight 385, Surgery Weight 333, Current Weight 160. At GOAL!
Weight loss Pre-op 1-20 2-17 3-15 Post-op 1-20 2-18 3-15 4-14 5-16 6-11 7-12 8-8
9-11 10-7 11-7 12-7 13-8 14-6 15-3 16-7 17-3 18-3
I agree with Carol's suggestion of the use of questions. Phrase them in such a way that it communicates caring, empathy, and sincerity. Given your similar status she will be able to "hear" you better, but also possibly have more guilt from her choices as well so be mindful of that. If she seems to avoid a particular area, then switch the dialogue. For example, "I have really noticed that I am an emotional eater- didn't pay much attention to that prior to surgery. I think I need to develop a plan of attack to help manage this. What are some strategies you use? Then swap stragtegies and make it a point to develop a clear action plan. Even if the plan is only for yourself it might help spur some quiet reflection later on her part to implement parts.
In the teaching field there is something called "teachable moments". When you are with her you will likely find small windows where she is more open to hearing something that specifically relates to the situation at hand. Use those moments without overdoing it- short, specfic, and on point. The accumulation of those smaller moments will have an add up to big change potentially. Of course, if it develops into a good heart-to-heart conversation go with that!
Ask her to attend support group with you if she is not going. If she is uncomfortable about her going, phrase it in such a way that she will be supporting you. Many times it takes just one time of going to knock the fear/uncomfortableness of attending. Then if you can go with her regularly- it can go a long way to helping her.
Is she tracking/weighing/measuring? If not, see if you can develop a type of pact to do it together- friend up on MFP and encourage use. Show her how to get the app on her phone, etc.
If you can get her to a therapist that would be great too. She will need a ton of support trying to navigate being freshly sleeved and starting the divorce path. I really feel for her situation. Try to empower her.
Surgeon: Chengelis Surgery on 12/19/2011 A little less carb eating compared to my weight loss phase loose sleever here!
1Mo: -21 2Mo: -16 3Mo: -12 4MO - 13 5MO: -11 6MO: -10 7MO: -10.3 8MO: -6 Goal in 8 months 4 days!! 6' 2'' EWL 103% Starting size 28 or 4x (tight) now size 12 or large, shoe size 12 w to 10.5 150+ pounds lost
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Thank you for your thoughtful and meaningful response. I always enjoy your posts (I've been going back in the forums and reading old posts and I like yours) I think I will asking her to come with me to support group because I am truthfully nervous about going myself but I want to go. I don't know if she is tracking weighing and measuring but I am going to ask her when I talk to her. She does get a bit touchy when I ask how she is doing, I was honestly asking for my benefit. Things like "are you finding it hard to get in water?" etc. And because I work not just our full time job together(which she is on leave from) but a part time job as well it's hard to have time to see her face to face since her surgery.
So my friend (who I will call Mary to keep her identity and privacy protected) had surgery in mid November (18th).
I heard from her spouse that about 4 days ago she made a bologna sandwich with all the trimmings (tons of mayo according to her spouse like a disgusting amount, lettuce, tomato and american cheese and of course bread) put it in the blender with water and ate the resulting sludge.
I also heard, again from her spouse, she did the same thing for Thanksgiving (they waited until the end of the 1st week of December to do it) with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, and brussel sprouts and water and again ate the resulting sludge.
From what her spouse says the portions are not small definitely not sticking within what our surgeons office NUT said (we're going through the same clinic so we share the same NUT).
I'm very worried about her. She's been on the journey about 4 weeks longer than me (her info seminar was a month before mine) our surgeries are literally almost exactly a month apart, so I don't want to come off like I know more. But to be fair I feel like I have done more research because I have had to correct her on several things (she thought she would have no hair loss and that only happened from RNY for example).
I also don't want to come across judgmental, but I am seriously worried about her. How can I approach her in a way that comes off loving and caring and not judge-y or *****y?
Also recently her and her spouse announced their pending divorce so I am wondering if she is emotionally eating? I feel so much for her, I truly love and respect her but she is young and I am worried she is going to fail/have regain if these are the behaviors she is already displaying.
Should I just let her do her? I don't know what I will say to her if she has regain. I'm sincerely committed to working my sleeve as a tool so I feel like if I am able to do so my long term success may be better.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
no matter what you say or do ,this situation will not have a good outcome. You are not her food police,no. Matter how much you love her. She will not take it as loving,I can almost guarantee it.
She is gonna do what she is gonna do,period. I would personally just take care of my own business and let her take care of hers.
Your colored font is really annoying,just saying...
Your friend is gonna do her no matter what you say. If you're both in the same program she probably knows some of the things she's doing she's not supposed to do. She's using food as an emotional crutch. Many of us, I know I have, done this way too much. So any approach would have to come from that angle. Plus there's a real good possibility that no matter how good your intentions are, she won't see it that way., & she may throw the newbie card in your face & keep on steppin.
Concentrate on you, maybe lead by example, be the shoulder to cry on. She might open herself up to you rather than the food. All you can do is wait & see.
Just to add, goodness girl I like purple & black too but it gets hard to read. My eyes not as good as they used to be. 
No one surgery is better than the other, what works for one may not work for another.
T-Rebel
If her spouse if tattling on her, she is probably doing the right thing to get divorced. I would stay completely out of it and not take the bait from her trouble maker spouse. You do not need to know what she is eating or not eating. She will succeed or fail on her own. You can just set a good example when you are with her, but you did not create the problem, you cannot change her and you cannot control her.
You can only take care of yourself.
The colored font hurts my eyes too.
Real life begins where your comfort zone ends
