Spouse Support

I understand how your husband feels. I too am a RN, and see the worst case scenario in the hospital. Your husband has too also take into account the effects of medical issues that are causing you to consider having the surgery. It is a risk to reward scenario that he also has to look at.

This is something that my husband and I disagree on. I believe the risks do not out weight the rewards. I also think my husband just can not get past the idea that all surgery comes with risk of death and unless the surgery is a matter of life or death then it is not worth it, which again I feel it is a matter of life or death over the long term scenario. Thanks for your insight as a RN's perspective.

is he a nurse or doctor?

He is a ICC (ICU) nurse. He sees the worst of the worst.

Hi.

I'm only 6 weeks out from my VSG surgery, so I haven't really had time to display some of the complications that your husband may be talking about, but I just wanted to let you know that I was in the same boat as you concerning my reasons for getting the surgery. I am not even 40 years old yet and I was an out of control (T2) diabetic with HBP, PCOS, and cholesterol issues. Every. Single. Person who died on my mother's side of my family, in my lifetime, died of diabetic complications, usually stroke, and they all died in their 50's and 60's. My own personal opinion? I wouldn't even make it that long.

I knew that surgery came with possible complications, but I also knew with absolute certainty that staying fat and that kind of diabetic would kill me. The odds are with me that this surgery won't kill me and may actually enable me to live longer.

My suggestion: I had to do 3 months of supervised weight loss before I could be approved for surgery. The clinic that I used had doctor-supervised (what they called) medical weight loss and they also had surgical weight loss. Try to find a clinic like that, if you can. Make a deal with your husband that you will do the medically supervised program for X-amount of time and allow him to work with you on the exercise, but if you don't lose X-amount of weight (the doctor should be able to tell you how much you can expect to lose in that time frame if you follow his/her plan) then you can switch to the surgery option.

Alternative: If your insurance won't pay for the doctor-supervised weight loss option, agree to sign up for Weigh****chers or some similar program that provides you with nutritional guidance and weighs you once in a while, so that you are forced to see your weight loss/gain. On that plan, I would set my weight loss goal at 1 pound/week. After 3 months, if you haven't lost at least 12 pounds, then you get to switch to surgery.

Just make sure that you give it a real try.

Good luck! I hope you and your husband can come to a compromise.

Thanks for your comment. I would agree with you about the surgery enabling me to live longer and hopefully kick my heath issues to the curb.

I believe my insurance will require 6 months of supervised medical weightloss. I have a goal for me to hit in the next 6 months but even if I hit that goal I am so scared that I will easily revert to old habits and gain it back, just like I have done in the past. I feel that the surgery is a tool to keep me accountable for my weightloss and maintenance better then just my own self resolve.

Thanks again. I too hope my husband will compromise with me on this.

Try to remember that he doesn't get to control the choices you make with your body. You don't need to convince him that you're making the right choice - it's your choice to make.

Thank you Gwen- You are completely right. I did ask him last night when he came into the bedroom and asked if I wanted to continue our discussion about the surgery because he was going to be working the next three overnights and would not be around to talk about it. During this discussion I asked him "if I choose to follow my heart and have this surgery without his blessing, would leave me". He got really quiet and then said that he doesn't think adding stress to our already stressed marriage is a good idea. First off, I think he is grasping at straws here because I didn't know that we had a "stressed marriage". Second off if his reason for him not wanting me to have the surgery is because I could die and I would leave him and our two children then I don't know how he could just walk away assuming I went through with and made it through the surgery! I can't quite get a handle on what is really bothering him.

I have decided divorce or not- that I am going to pursue this and if he loves me like he says he does he will support me. Supporting me does not mean he has to agree with it, or like that I am doing it, but it means that he will stand beside me just like I have done with him over many different situations these last seven years.

I would imagine in a hospital ER a staff member sees a lot of horrific injuries, but you really can't base your outcome on that.. those are worst case scenarios. There are a lot of complications from many things.. driving a car, having a baby, having a c-section, any surgery has the possibility of complications. Doesn't mean you shouldn't or can't have the procedure, just be aware and educated.

He sounds scared for you.. I would take him in for consults, education classes and talk to the Dr.

I am sure they are used to dealing with spouses who aren't thrilled and might have additional tools to help him cope.

Good Luck!

Thanks for your comment. He does not want to go to the consult but I think I will still bring this up to the surgeon and see what him and his staff have dealt with in the past. I am sure they have some good statistics that he can give me to show my husband.