Second Thoughts

My surgery is a week from Monday and I am currently on day 3 of the liquid pre-op diet. Last night, my husband gets mad and tells me that I don't know why you are saying I am supporting you getting this done because I'm not. I will support you and whatever decision you make but I don't think this is the healthiest way to do it or safest. I asked him what he was worried about and I know he is worried about me not being able to enjoy food with him after surgery. In fact, one of our favorite things to do is go to the Casino to have the buffet of AYCE snow crab. He said we will never be able to go there again and it wouldn't be worth it. I told him, yes, we could still go, and I could eat crab as my protein but I wouldn't be able to eat as much. I've told him why I feel I need this but know he has me having second thoughts...I definitely don't want it to negatively impact my marriage. Has anyone been through this with their spouse? Do you think I should go through with it still? Please help! These second thoughts are emotionally draining!

It is actually the only way to do it for at least 95% of obese people. Every other way is just temporary and the weight comes back pretty quickly. If the other ways worked long term, there would be no weight loss surgery.

My hubby and I used to enjoy going out for Sunday brunch buffets before my surgery. Now I can still do it but its a waste of money because I eat so little. Plus I'm tempted by all the things I shouldn't eat. We still do it, but not very often. My hubby says part of the cost is paying for the "atmosphere" and we are still getting that. And we are not spending any more money than we did before surgery, so does it matter? I try to steer the group towards places where I can order off the menu.

I' encourage you to have the surgery. Your health is so important, and you'll still enjoy eating out - maybe you'll modify the places you go, or maybe not.

I think my hubby was mostly worried about my safety when I chose the surgery. And sometimes any change can cause us to feel unsettled and vulnerable.

best of luck,

Carol

I think many spouses have these thoughts and they are understandable. That said how would your spouse feel if the problems caused by overweight impact your life down the road. Perhaps you should ask him about that. My husband refused to take care of his health. Had to eat what he wanted to and enjoyed or where was the point in eating? Now he will live the rest of his life with major after affects from a stroke and I will also live with those affects and all the work and pain it has caused. Food is not the only thing in life. Nothing can replace good health.

I'm sorry you're going through this. If your husband is anything like mine, he's probably scared that things will be different, that he won't be enough for the "new" you, etc. You know this isn't just the best way to get to a healthy weight; for 95% of us it's the only way.

In 2012, I was planning VSG self-pay. During one argument, my husband yelled that I was "wasting all of our savings on a cosmetic surgery." I walked out of the house and stayed in a hotel that night, and he apologized the next day. Health issues derailed my surgery plan, but that gave my hubby time to come around, so much so that he actually had VSG himself 2 weeks after I had RNY this past May. We've lost more than 300 lbs combined.

I hope your husband is able to come to the conclusion that this is something you need to do for your health and well-being. If not, this might be a good time to remember that there are times where it's ok to put your needs ahead of your loved ones' comfort.

You are doing this for you and no one else. His reaction is selfish and self serving. Your health and happiness should come first.

My wife was just worried about the safety and that the surgery is not a necessity but elective.... since then she has seen me get sooo much healthier and happier... A true advocate for it now.

glad surgery was elective for you,it was certainly not for me.

Pit was a necessity for. Me to put my diabetes inremissionand keep it there.

It's actually much safer to have the surgery because being obese is so very dangerous. Long-term arthritis decades early, glucose issues, metabolic disease.... having the surgery is way less dangerous than living as morbidly obese.

In the end, surgery is for ourselves. You can't get surgery, or not get it, because of anyone else. You know your own needs best, and you need to do what you need to do for your health. As many have said, for the majority of morbidly obese people, there simply is no other way to lose weight permanently. You can still eat at the buffet. It may not be "worth it" but many of us eat out for social reasons, not to gorge on food. The reason you eat out with your husband is to spend time with him... not for the snow crab, necessarily - just let him know and reassure him of that.

You may want to consider talking to a counselor. I am lucky in that I had one pre and post op. It makes everything much easier especially to work out such things. The only thing that will negatively impact your marriage is a lack of communication--not surgery, but misunderstandings over surgery.

I am sorry your husband is not being supportive and has waited until now to truly express his lack of support. You've come this far, and if you truly believe it is the healthiest thing for you to do, I think you should proceed. He's upset about not enjoying dining out together, but if your health is hanging in the balance, how much will he enjoy dining out alone after you pass away from complications of being overweight? That is how my husband sees things. He says, "I don't want to lose you within 5 years or watch you die slowly from all of your health issues." As far as buffets go, *****ally NEEDS "All You Can Eat?" The difference now would be having a plate instead of a few plates... Personally, I think you should deep within yourself and figure out what you really need. After all is said and done, I'm sure your husband will come around - especially when you are feeling better, having more energy, taking less pills and smiling more! Maybe you will find new things to do, explore, and enjoy together that doesn't revolve around food!

Best wishes!