It might be long, but I need to get it out.....

My surgery date is 8/15, and I start my pre-op diet this Friday. I'm overwhelmed with different emotions, some that make me question my future success, some that make me wonder if I will actually make it to the surgery table. Nervousness, fear, excitement, anticipation to name a few....but these last few days the only way I can explain the way I feel is just depressed.

Over the last week, it's like it all got real, like really fast. And I'm going thru these internal waves of excitement for the light at the end of the tunnel, and a deep sadness where I'm almost mourning my 'former fat self.' Food has always been there, and the food itself is never going away. I know I am regimented enough to be successful on my future plan, but I have this feeling like I'm losing a best friend....and really it's the worst friend because food has done nothing to solve anything, and has only destroyed my health and my self esteem. And the worst part is, it's like losing a friend that's no good to you, but you still end up seeing them....everywhere you turn.

I was going to have VSG 4 years ago, and backed out right after getting my date. I was going thru a failing marriage, struggling to make ends meet on my own, probably yet another handful of failed diets..etc...etc. Life! But I canceled, most of all, because I wasn't ready to admit that I wasn't strong enough to conquer this weight battle on my own. I built a successful career when I was young, traveled, and always seem to accomplish everything else I ever set my mind to, but for some reason this was the only area I consistently let myself down. I could never control my weight. Part of me still feels like I'm throwing in the towel, but I know this is not 'the easy way out.' It's going to be a hard battle, with ups and down along the way..........but when I hit a 'down' I no longer have my friend 'Binge' that I can turn to.

I've been very quiet about my struggles with my weight all my life. And only my partner and parents know about my surgery on the 15th. Work knows I'm having surgery, but don't know what for, and I'm only using 2 sick days and I'll be back to work 4 days after surgery. I just feel it's no ones business. They see me go to the gym (it's next to door to my work) several times a week, and they don't know my internal struggles. I don't know how I'm going to tell people as I will start to obviously drop weight pretty quickly, and I can already pick out who will most likely be the 'judgers.' I haven't even told my best friend of 20 years.

I guess what I'm most nervous about is all the changes. What will I look like? What will I feel like? Will I still be viewed as confident or now will it seem pompous and arrogant because its coming from a skinny person? Will I ever feel comfortable again at a social gathering or family holiday meal where I either don't eat, or eat such a small amount that I'm worried someone is always going to ask what's going on? Will I get to a point where I can hold my head high when someone asks "How did you do it," and proudly announce I had weight loss surgery..........and Why? Because after a lifetime of struggling with my weight and a lifetime of hating what I saw in the mirror, I knew in my heart it was the best choice for me.

And that's what it is. It's all so personal. It's hard to put it out there that this thing I have battled with quietly and personally my whole life, is now going to be confronted, and have to be explained and I have to be OK with that. Because I have to have faith that I will come out the other side a better Me. A healthier Me. And everyday continue to strive for the Best version of Me.

thanks for letting me vent, and get it out there.

AZ

AZ, please know that everything you described above is incredibly normal to experience. We have all failed countless times at diets, and are a little nervouse that this too will fail. We all contemplate how others will perceive us, how we will adjust to eating healthy and the head work that goes along with it, etc. Don't let the doubt stop you. I had a canned response ready for the inevitable questions of how much and how did I lose the weight, so just have something ready. In your case your coworkers know that you hit the gym, so you can add to it a tightly managed diet, consulting a nutrtionist, and exercise. You will find that yes we lose a lot, but the rate of loss is not that unusual. The unusual part is that we keep it up for 6, 8, or more months. Hang in there!

Thank you! The support of this forum and reading everyone's post and success stories is the best support I could ever ask for. I feel grateful knowing whenever I have these doubts, I can find inspiration in someone's post or pictures. Thank you for your kind words. And I like your idea of having my plan of a response ready. I'll work on that :)

Wow!!!!! I feel like you were in my head and wrote this post from my thoughts.  You are not alone with how you are feeling.  I stayed on the fence for about seven years contemplating if I was going to have weight loss surgery. I felt the most anxiety after surgery and told a friend that I believed that I was going through the stages of grief for the loss of my stomach/old eating habits.  I am only a month and a half post-op and even though it has been an emotional rollercoaster I am still glad that I made the decision to move forward with surgery.  Good luck to you on your new journey!!!!!

Thank you :)

It's like a 'funeral for my fat'. lol  At the moment I can't imagine life without it, but I'm guessing when it's gone, I'm gonna be wondering why I waited so long!  11 more days until the other side. Congrats on your recent surgery, and I wish you much success! keep my updated on your journey.

I could have written your post just before my VSG, too. It is an emotional time for most of us. Some people keep it together, some people let it all out, but I think the majority of us question our decisions and have anxiety over what is to come in the months ahead.

You already know why you chose WLS. You know your struggles and what obesity means to you. You know you are not happy with the way you are and the ways you have tried to change it. What you're doing now is finally asking for the help you need to accomplish the changes you seek. Kind of hard for someone independent and successful in other arenas of life.

You will evolve as a WLS patient. You will find your path and you will deal with the changes as they come. It's no one's journey, but yours. Only those you invite will get to go with you. You are in the driver's seat.

Best of luck with your upcoming surgery. From your post I'm betting on your future success.

Honey you just wrote just about e everyone's story believe me unless they know how much you've struggled they will never know.  I'm struggling with a lot of the same thing if the people saying stuff to you only knew how important it is to have a support system in place.  My surgery is on the 12th I'm excited we all have eachother in this forum I have an awesome support system right here.  I am doing it for me as you should do it for you.  Good luck I hope everything goes well for you.

Your struggles are very familiar to most of us.  I am 10 months out and I can tell you that although this has not been an easy road, I do NOT regret for a moment having this surgery.  I have been completely open with everyone except some of my co-workers about having weight loss surgery.  When someone makes a comment about how little I eat, I immediately tell them that I had surgery, but that is my choice and you have to follow what is right for you.  You can always say you are trying to lose weight, which is true.  You will get some comments that are not so nice.  I had one woman at work tell me that she hopes that I don't develop an eating disorder.  I'm not sure how my losing weight equates to being anywhere near developing a disorder, but okay.  I just ignored her as she is obviously ignorant to the struggles of someone who had been overweight/obese her whole life.  So my point is that you will hear things but you have to learn to ignore them.  Anyone who does not support you, forget about them.  Good luck to you.  I have never been happier in my life and I hope that you find this too.

Thank you for the advice :) I truly hope that I evolve to have that confidence to just tell people when they ask!!! And luckily I have no problem cutting ties with anyone that can not support me or at least keep their disagreement to themselves. I'm not doing it for anyone else but Me!!!!!