Just getting started

I am just getting starting myweight loss surgery journey. The first time I realized I was fat was when we got our school photos back in the first grade. I remember looking at the page with all of my classmates and thinking "I'm the fatest kid in my class". That was the day my struggle with my weight started.

My mother tried to help, but as a naturally slim woman, she didn't understand how to help me. I dealt with a lot of criticism from my peers.

When I was 12 years old, the 16 yr old neighbor nearly raped me. He stopped just short of completing the act. For years, I thought he was disgusted with my body. I blamed my not being raped on myself. I did something wrong. I will never know what really stopped him, but part of me wanted to be fatter so that nobody would try anything again and part of me ate to cover the pain of rejection.

When I was 16, I lost about 40 lbs. and I was finally happy. I had developed stomach problems at age 9 and they started to get better. The boys were finally interested and I was finally comfortable in my own body.

I fell in love with a man who, I realize now, was very emotionally abusive. I gained weight rapidly. Eventually, the love of my life made it painfully clear how much my body disgusted him. We had been engaged for 2 years. When I broke off the engagement, he blamed me for everything that went wrong and made me feel like I wasn't worthy of love.

Then I met a man who was meant for me. He helped me out of my depression and taught me that I was worth love. He showed me what a healthy relationship could be like. We have been married for nearly two years now.

Right before our wedding, I was diagnosed with IBS ( finally a name for many stomach problems!) and hepatic adenomas; benign liver tumors caused by my prolonged use of birth control. The tumors feed off of the estrogen in my fat stores. I had surgery to reduce them, but they can still rupture and cause internal bleeding.

My doctors have been pushing for surgery for two years. I said no and tried slimfast, south beach, the cabbage soup diet, eating gluten free, liquid diets, calorie counting and restriction, exercise, and Atkins. All worked a little, but the results never last.

Last month, my doctor dropped a bombshell at my yearly follow-up. I can't have children until I lose a significant amount of weight. It's just too dangerous. So I agreed to start down the surgical road. I'm afraid and unsure. I've gotten a handle on my emotional eating, but this is a huge, irreversible step. I'm not sure that i can do this, but I've run out of choices. I'm hoping that I can get more information from these forums and support to do what needs to be done so that I have a chance to be a happy, healthy mommy and the wife my husband deserves. 

I know this was quite long. Thank you for reading.

Welcome to the forum and congrats on making steps towards WLS.  It IS a very scary thing to explore, but I can whole-heartedly say it is the best decision I ever made in my life.  We had similar journeys - many people here did.  I tried Atkins, Dr. Alperin, Jenny Craig, Weigh****chers, had a personal trainer and nutritionist.  I even walked a marathon in 1999 - didn't lose a pound but I was in better shape.  Then my sister had WLS in 2011, and I saw her transformation and I was sold.

Is it always easy?  Of course not.  But my sleep apnea is gone.  My high blood pressure is gone.  I'm no longer pre-diabetic.  I can shop in normal clothing stores.  I can fly without a seatbelt extender.  I can keep up with my friends.  I get cold now when it's 75 degrees and I used to be dripping in sweat when it was 65 degrees.  I love my new life and you will, too!

Just be sure to listen carefully to your surgeon and surgery team.  Every program is a little different, but you CAN do this!!!!

First off, thank you for sharing your story.  I can't imagine what you've faced.  I'm so glad that, while those demons are still there, you are at a point where you have acknowledged them.  And hopefully you know you're not to blame.   And thank GOD for a wonderful, supportive partner.  You deserve that so very much.

You have made a great decision for yourself.  I can't tell you that the surgical will magically take away all the hurt you've endured, but hopefully it can help you build the life you want and deserve.

This board is fantastic. Let the people here help you as much as possible.  Ask questions, for advice, anything. And depend on your support system.

You're in my prayers.