The Fear is Real (long post)

Kairk's post from yesterday touched a nerve with me and is causing me to acknowledge some real thoughts and concerns in my own life. Let me first add I have discussed this with my nutritionist and therapist (ongoing) but wanted to share/inquire in this support forum with people who live the sleeve.

See, I'm at my goal weight (in fact a few unplanned pounds below since my gallbladder surgery) and I am faced with being in a place I have never been before.  At goal.  In my life as far back as I can remember I have always needed to lose weight.  10 lbs, 30 lbs, 100 lbs.  Always in the battle. I have never not had to lose weight.  Now as I've been working on maintenance for several weeks, trying to find my calorie sweet spot, I find myself terrified of going back in the opposite direction - gaining. The day I reached goal was not a huge celebration.  I smiled at the scale, did a little fist pump and immediately thought "Don't f*ck this up".  That last thought lingers with me. And the fear of not reaching goal became the fear of gaining. (Yes, all the damaged thinking).

 I am still tracking food, exercising, going to support groups, all the right things, but, deep, deep down am scared to relax this vice grip I have on everything and start enjoying where I am.  Every other time I've successfully lost some weight and started to unclench is when I've started the regain train. It starts with the best of intentions to stay on track and then I fall prey to a taste here, nibble there, and carbs, carbs, carbs.  A very common problem.  I don't want that so I'm still uber-vigilant and reluctant to really relax and try to live "normally" but it's a strain.  It makes me tense all the time and is, frankly, exhausting.

So my question for vets who've been in this game for a few years - has anyone had a similar experience? And, how did you find the balance to relax into life, work the sleeve yet not let it continue to be all-consuming and still avoid the gain train?  I know what my therapist and dietician have told me but I want to hear from vets who've been in this place. How do I find (and trust) the middle ground?

First, congratulations on getting to goal - that's and awesome achievement!  I'm not sure I have any real words of wisdom, but can share some of my experience.  I too have always regained weight, though I never reached goal before.  I came within about 5-10 lbs when I was 18 (I'm now 60), for about a nanosecond.  This time, I also had difficulty with finding the balance, and though I continued to stay away from my known trigger foods, I still managed to re-gain some weight - not sure how much, but probably in the 25 lb. range.  This re-gain was over time, and by me eating too many "legal" foods that were very high in calories, adding too many carbs back in, and then on to mindless eating.  Luckily, I woke up before I grew out of my wardrobe, though some items got too tight and others were heading there.  I've gone back to basics, and have lost more than 1/2 of what I gained.  I went back and re-read lots of posts from vets with long-term success.  What I found was that eating for maintenance is much like eating for weight loss.  They added a few more calories at a time, until they reached the point they were not losing or gaining.  Some of those calories were complex carbs, but still within a limit.  What I saw, almost across the board, was that they were eating mindfully - not white knuckled, but with awareness.  Many still plan their food daily, others don't plan per se, but plan for protein, carb, and calories to stay within their limits.  I believe many are ok with the food, and not needing to be hypervigilant, but just mindful.  I still need to lose a few more pounds to return to goal and also want to lose a few more, but when I hit that sweet spot of maintenance again, what and how I eat will not be much different from how and what I eat now. 

The other thing I have realized, is that there are no foods I can't eat, but there are many foods that I choose not to eat, which makes me feel more in charge, and not feeling deprived. 

I also went back to dance after 42 years away, 3 weeks after my surgery.  I'm not very good, but dance has been a symbol, to me, of my re-birth, and is one of my biggest motivators.  Maybe finding something that you love to do, or have always wanted to do, but couldn't before losing the weight, might be your motivator and fulfil a dream!  You can do it!!!!  {{{Hugs}}}   Mary

Well, I may not be the person to answer you, but I did want to offer my thoughts.

First, sorry to have struck a nerve, but maybe it will turn out to be a good thing. Often we learn, grow and change from the type of upset you describe.

When you say, "Don't f*ck this up," it signals to my that you do not trust yourself because of your past history. While there is absolutely nothing you can do about the past, the wonderful thing is that you have the power to be in charge of your future. Believe that you are able to maintain your new, healthy weight. Read all you can about healthy eating, maintaining weight loss, and how negative self talk (often called Automatic Negative Thoughts (or A.N.T.)) can adversely effect your eating habits.

There are some really good strategies you can adopt when adding calories in, the first being adding fat NOT refined carbs to your diet. That ups calories and for many adds another level of satiety. The rule of thumb is to slowly add 100 calories back per day until you find your maintenance level.

I'd also recommend reading books on mindful eating. Yes, mindful eating can be a chore, but using those strategies and techniques to work on cognitive behavior changes will help you more than you can imagine. Had I only understood this earlier I'd be in a different place today. (Don't get me wrong, I'm completely okay with where I am today. It took me sometime to get over berating myself for the return of some bad eating habits and the subsequent regain, but I have learned so much about myself and my disordered eating that I truly believe for me that the regain was worth it. It sucks, but it is manageable.)

I think your fear can be used in a healthy way. Harness it for positive work on the behalf of your health and well being. Don't allow it to become a driver towards upset and misguided food choices.

You can do this!

I say struck a nerve because you shone a light right on my carefully wrapped and layered (hidden) basket of issues. Made me think out loud so to speak. Hard to acknowledge some of this stuff but in the end feels like letting the cork out of a champagne bottle - pressure has decreased. Thank you, sir.

Congrats on your WL and goal !!!!

Kairks post from yesterday does inspire "thought"..... as his posts normally do. He has really done some next level research.

Here are my thoughts on your post.

- You are really in a great place and your thinking is sound.

- Fist pump and "Don't F this up"....... Perfect !!!!

- Controlled fear is a good thing..... more people should fear more.

- Vise grips have a knob you can turn anti clockwise to release some force or turn the knob clockwise to tighten up...... learn to use the knob(control).

- The regain train is for real. Chances are it will happen to everyone. The skill to learn is how to deal with it. Maybe for you it's that knob on the vise grips.

- Uber-vigilant has served you well...... embrace it as your friend, just learn to control it. Many people who had WLS don't even have a clue how to be vigilant..... the wind blows and the plan is out the window.

Stay connected to the process and keep learning. You will develop your own comfortable normal. A lot of comfort comes from time. When my surgeon told me "Stop, your done.... keep doing what your doing and hold that weight for a year"...... I had no idea what the first year of maintenance was going to be like, but after the first year things became a lot more clear.

Big tip for you..... Don't increase quantity..... increase caloric content.... keep your meals small to retain your restriction for the long haul.

Your doing great and are at a very good place at this stage !!!!

frisco

So true -- great post! 

So I'm not a long term vet.  I have been around goal for almost a year and I totally get the stress / fear of losing it all (read gaining it all back)...

It can be so stressful, it can be all consuming.  

I noticed just recently that while life has been getting busy and I haven't been able to prepare all my food and do all my yoga classes that I have been making healthy choices (ordering good food, taking a long walk on a weekend trip when the gym isn't and option).  

I continue to weigh myself every single morning.  If I go above a number (or start inching towards it) I know what I need to do (focus on health more!).  But the longer I stay in this range, the easier it seems to be, for me, to enjoy a glass of wine, or share a plate of french toast without completely losing control of everything.  

Habits stick with us, the bad ones are there and we could revert to them, but the longer we stay with the good ones the easier it will be to fall back on those.  

Keep at it, try not to make yourself crazy, but keep it top of mind -- skinny healthy people (who were never big) do this too!  

I want to thank all of you for your wisdom, support and advice. I will do my best to continue one day at a time and heed your words of knowledge.

Love this forum!