Passing for normal

Lately I've had parallel experiences that are giving me some food for thought.

I think it's because I went down a pant size, but this week I've been getting TONS of questions and compliments from people at work. Way more than usual. I've had several people ask me how I lost the weight, and just a ton of people give me compliments or ask about my experience coping with the surgery. While I'm really flattered and am happy to share my experience, sometimes I'm a little exhausted by it. 

The other experience has been that the classes I take have started up, and I'm really at a normal size. I'm not even "normal fat" which is how I felt when I was in the mid-200s, when I was really still overweight but not SMO, and frankly a pretty common sight in the US. Now I feel like I'm passing for a normal person without a weight problem. And that's the thing, I feel like I will always have "a weight problem."

At my heaviest, my biggest problem was plainly visible for all to see. And I know people made snap judgments about who I am because of it. And now... it's not. But I do think I still have a weight problem even though the weight is gone. I will always have to be careful about what I eat, and the specter of regain is always going to be with me. So now I look normal to my classmates, but I am not normal. Now people look at me and there are probably other snap judgments, and those are more opaque to me than when I was heavy. 

I'm definitely ambivalent about all of this. I just sort of have this vague unease about passing for normal and it's not that I'm afraid people will find out I used to weigh approx 240lbs more than I do today. I wonder if maybe it will go away in time. 

Guess what? YOU ARE NORMAL. Period.

We're told and we often tell ourselves that certain bodies aren't normal. If normal means what's most prevalent, then fat is pretty normal.

But I know that's not what you mean. You're no longer the biggest person in the room. I've had that moment too and it is exactly the way you describe it.

I just wish we didn't feel abnormal. Don't know if that makes sense. We're pretty normal people. And if we're not, it's because we're THAT fab 

I guess I mean, mentally and physically, I'm not normal. I can't eat the way a normal person eats, because I am physiologically predisposed to store calories as fat. We all have skinny friends who eat whatever and however much crap they want because they won the genetic lottery. I, on the other hand, will always have to be vigilant about what and how much I eat. I will always have the potential to balloon up in size. So I'm not normal in that sense, and I think I'm okay with that. I have a disease that's in remission. And I mean, that's okay! 

Excellent, excellent point. And well put. We do have a disease, but you're dealing with it head on. That's normal. In the past other diseases have been stigmatized (think cancer, for instance****il social attitudes caught up. Obesity is still stigmatized. But the only thing abnormal about the obese is this disease. 

I don't know you, but the only abnormality I've seen is the incredible and staggering resilience it must take to lose 238 lbs! That's a monumental feat, and it puts you in a class with very, very few peers.

Good job!

CONGRATULATIONS on your awesome weight loss!:-)

as the years go by you will have fewer people fussing over you and you will gradually feel more normal and less like a fat person in disguise.  its a gradual thing. enjoy the complements.  it takes others awhile to get used to the new looking you.   diane

I feel ya', Eliza - really I do!  I too pass for "normal" at my job where no one ever knew me as the "fat Tracy".  But I know that there will always be a fat girl inside screaming to get out.  And I can't shut her up with cake 

The danger for me has been pretending like I am "normal" and trying to fit in by eating what other people eat (carbs and sweets!).  That has back-fired big time, of course. 

I attend a high-intensity fitness class now and there are people there (bigger than me) who I know are looking at me and thinking "skinny *****".  I've shared my story with a couple of them and they know the truth.  And the truth is that I have to work HARD for the body I have and I'll have to continue to work hard the rest of my life to keep it.  

But I'll never be "normal"...I'm not even sure there is such a thing anymore.  

Yes, I think the key to all of this has to be some level of comfort being the weirdo with the weird food things. Thankfully, it seems like everyone has some dietary restriction or allergies or whatnot. In my immediate family alone, we have three diabetics, my husband doesn't eat carbs in solidarity with me, and another with celiacs. We can all be weird together.