Weight loss and relationships (LONG RANT!)

When I had my psych evaluation pre op he warned me that he has seen many instances in which massive weight loss negatively impacts relationships.  I didn't even think twice about it because my boyfriend has been the most supportive out of my entire circle of friends and family.  He remains my number 1 cheerleader to this day.  What I did NOT expect was for my weight loss to negatively impact my friendships.

I don't have many friends.  I'm one of those people who has a close circle of friends that I've had since I was a teenager.  My very best friend, whom I've been friends with for about 10 years (since I was 17) has always been there for me.  However, we have had one of those relationships where we sometimes feel competitive with one another.  For example, I have the better relationship with my boyfriend but her job pays just a little bit more than mine.  I have a house and she rents a small apartment but she has a better car than I do.  I have a cuter face and she has better hair (just kidding).  Anyway, we have always been bigger women, but I've always been bigger.  A few years back we both went on Atkins together and I lost about 50lbs and she lost about 35 (she was smaller than me).  We would plan meals together, work out together, etc.  Weight loss has always been an even ground with us where no one was ever better than the other.

Until now.

We had a couple's night on Saturday.  We went to her house to hang out and play some cards.  I hadn't seen her since I was about 3 months post op so I was expecting a huge reaction out of her.  But she barely even noticed.  My weight loss wasn't brought up the entire evening until I finally got sick of the avoidance and started to talk to her boyfriend about my success (he had recently lost about 140lbs so he understood my situation).  Once I mentioned how much happier I am now he congratulated me on my success and then mentioned that my friend had also lost about 45lbs herself.  I said it was fantastic! She didn't even look at me or react when I said this.  So I didn't mention it again the rest of the evening.

The next day she's texting me telling me that I'm a show off, that I'm self absorbed, that I act like I'm "the queen of the world" and that she can no longer relate to me.  She said that she has no interest in being in a one sided friendship and that my weight loss has gotten to my head so much that I've changed.  W-T-F.  I haven't changed in the slightest.  I was in such shock that I didn't even know what to say.  The next day her boyfriend is texting me and told me that she was hurt that I didn't notice that she lost 45lbs and that she's a bit jealous that I'm losing weight faster than her and she hates that she has to "lose it in a different way."  So this gives her a reason to insult me? I get it...she was expecting me to shower her with compliments on her weight loss.  But doesn't this sound a bit hypocritical when she didn't even comment on the fact that I've lost over 100 pounds?! I was crying on the way home from her house that night because I was expecting her to be happier for me.  I've had bigger reactions from strangers at work!  Besides, when her weight loss was mentioned I DID compliment her and she didn't even acknowledge me.  I'm not going to beg her to allow me to give her a compliment.  

We are going to dinner on Friday to "hash things out."  I know she's going to be expecting an apology from me.  But I feel as though I don't have anything to apologize for.  If I don't apologize, our friendship could be over.  I would hate for that to happen but at the same time, do I really want to be in a friendship where my so called "best friend" just constantly brings me down and rains on my parade?

I don't know about you but when I dieted and lost substantial weight (45 lbs would qualify) I was cranky, irrational and overly emotional.  That's the best part of WLS.  I don't seem to have the mood swings that Atkins or Weigh****chers engendered in me.  Maybe your friend is just a mess inside and she's making a mess outside.  If she were trying to cold turkey drugs or alcohol it would be easy to sympathize with her skewed reaction the last time you met.

You have just lost over 100 lbs and you feel great.  You can afford to be magnanimous and give her a boost.  I am 60 years old and, if I have figured anything out it's this.  Friends go through bad times, act out and can be high maintenance now and then.  It's worth a little understanding and support to keep a good one.  You may need the same from her someday. 

Thank you for your response.  I do understand that weight loss is hard.  Afterall, everyone on this forum would know right?? But does that mean that she has a right to be mad at me for being successful?  It's one thing if all I did was brag and brag but I didn't even mention it at all until the end of the night.  Even then, it wasn't about how much weight loss I've had, how great I look, or anything like that.  It was about how much healthier I am.  Do I really need to bow down to her and apologize? That's the kind of thing I did when I weighed 322 pounds.  I'm more confident now and I'm not the type of person anymore who lives just to make others feel better about themselves. Maybe that means that I have changed afterall.  Maybe she doesn't like my new found confidence and happiness.

I think you're assuming she's mad because you've been successful.  Nothing you've said on this forum supports that, so I felt compelled to point it out.  You of course could be right, but I just thought I'd mention it.  

I hope this talk on Friday is successful, and that things get resolved.  For what it's worth: perhaps your friendship won't survive this is ultimately not supportive of this new aspect of your life.  And if she doesn't treat you well, you should cut and run.  But good friends are hard to come by, especially ones with history.

Congrats on your success, and best of luck to you!

I have a lot of thoughts on this, so many that I'm afraid my response will be somewhat scattered.

First, I have been in this situation.  I was much thinner then, and my best friend went on a diet around the same time I did.  I lost slowly (20 pounds in six month, and she dropped about 50 in 4 months)  I was really supportive, but over time, I felt like we spent a lot of time talking about what she could eat, how easy she found it, how successful she was, how it was easy, etc.  All she wanted to talk about was how her diet has impacted her in good ways, and in bad.  I think my frustration evolved slowly...but at first I was happy to listen to it when my diet was in the newer phase.  Over time. I didn't want to hear she was on a diet, because it reminded me that I was on a diet, which I really didn't want to be reminded of.  And over time, she wanted to talk about less, when I mentioned something going on in my life, she would redirect to something about her diet, or related (buying smaller clothes, the expense of replacing clothes, etc).  The upshot is -- and she's still a close friend to this day -- she was INCREDIBLY self absorbed from my perspective, and she didn't even pay enough attention to know that I was growing tired of being an audience to her soliloquy.  And -- she never noticed my weight loss, and 20 pounds was a lot on my frame at the time.  

All of this to say: she probably has weight issues and doesn't want to talk about them.  If she is forced to talk about them, she probably doesn't want to do so with an audience of others there.  She also probably feels resentful you didn't notice she'd lost weight in the first place. And she probably feels like you don't need to self-congratulate yourself since you took the "easy" way out.    

Others would say she is maybe a little jealous, and perhaps that's part of it too, but I don't think you can dismiss her feelings entirely.

Just go to the meeting Friday, and listen with an open mind.  Try to have some empathy, and then explain how you are feeling, and how much you value her friendship.  You may find, if you listen open-mindedly, that you do have something to apologize about.  And hopefully, she will come to see that she also owes you an apology.  Also heed this:  You can NEVER take back your words.  So pause and consider what you are saying, before you say them.  Some words cut deep, far deeper than intended, and it's better to sometimes be indirect than direct.  

To this day, I don't think my friend fully understands how hurt I was.  [Also-- ANNOYED!!!] I felt like my life didn't really matter to her anymore and she was so absorbed in her weight struggles and successes.  She felt like I wasn't cheering her on sufficiently because I would try to change the subject towards the end.

Here's what I know for sure:  my friendship was worth saving and I'm so glad someone gave me the advice I am trying --incoherently! to give you -- and this person and I are still best friends today.  (And she's still looking great and maintaining her weight loss, if you're wondering.)  

Thank you for your thoughts.  I appreciate that you took so much time to tell me about your experience.  I can definitely see things from her perspective, although I haven't seen her in about 4 months so there's no way that I could have annoyed her so much in one evening that I deserved the kind of response that I got from her.  I also really wasn't steering every conversation toward my weight loss either.  Like I said, I barely even mentioned it.  And yes, I feel terrible that I didn't notice her weight loss until her boyfriend mentioned it.  So then why can't she just tell me how she really feels?  There's no reason for her to mask her true feelings by calling me selfish and a show off.  Honestly, it had been so long since I'd seen her that I can't even remember what she looked like the last time I saw her.  And in our short phone calls or text messages she never mentioned that she was dieting, working out, losing weight, etc.  So if I said something about her losing weight and she didn't actually lose any she could have gotten insulted!

I'm not trying to sit here and defend myself or anything, but I'm still really hurt by her words and it's all I've been able to think about the last few days.  And like I said, I'm really hurt that she didn't seem at all happy about my success.  Not that I need her approval, but it would've been nice to have the support of my bestie.  

oops, I responded above!  :)

I know you're hurt, and you're within your rights, and I totally get it.  I hope things work out.  In any case, you look fabulous!

Thank you.  And thanks again for your response.  My posts may seem scattered because my brain is scattering in a million different places because I have no idea what she's TRULY thinking.  

Maybe your friend has misdirected anger? She sees how successful you are, maybe she feels like a failure compared to you? You stated that you both are competitive, maybe she feels that she is losing & is mad about that, but she's mad at herself & took it out on you. Friends do that sometimes. Hope everything works out between you two.

Thank you.  That definitely seems like a possible reason for this whole mess.  I hope we can work this out as well.  I think she may also be preemptively causing an issue to avoid problems in the future.  I don't know. We'll see.