When is a bad choice something more important?

I wrote a long post a few days ago about how we could not punish our way into normal eating, and that we all had to accept that we will make bad choices.  Punishing ourselves won't cure that problem - and is probably counter-productive.

However, I worry so much that this sounds like oh sure, eat whatever you want!  Just write it down! 

I really, really don't believe this and I wanted to clarify, especially for people that are just getting to know me.  And let me say, I completely get that not everyone feels like this.  It's just me.

I am here because I have an screwed up relationship with food.  For me, it's like any other addiction except I can't completely give it up.  My thinking about food, especially *my* food, is not always reliable, especially in the moment.  I have to do a lot to help me make good choices and I have to do even more to keep me from addictive eating (I call it compulsive overeating, but I'm sure you all get the picture).

What do I mean by addictive eating?  Eating to the point of discomfort because I can't stop myself is addictive eating.  There's no choice involved.  I am a mindless eating machine.  Eating while I'm screaming the words "I don't care!!" to myself is addictive eating.  Eating in a way that could harm me physically because I can't stop myself is addictive eating.  Planning and executing secret eating episodes is addictive eating.  

I can't fix addictive eating by punishing myself, or by glossing it over or calling it normal.  In AA, they have this saying, "this program works better if you stop drinking."  What this means for me is that there is no way to get better *except* for stopping.   And for building a life for myself where I have the least opportunities to practice my addiction.  

When I posted that I had to throw out the PB2, it wasn't because PB2 is a bad food.  It is because I didn't feel in charge of it.  I wanted to eat it 3 or 4 times a day, I wanted to build several meals around it so I could have it, etc.  So PB2 was a bad choice for me, and I (finally) recognized it had to go to time out, at least for now.  But driving from store to store to buy crap foods and eating them in secret (even if I write it down) is addictive eating, and isn't just a bad choice.  It is something that I can't do at all if I want to stay sane and smaller.  And if I find myself doing it, I have to do what is necessary to not do it again.

Happy, you're great and exactly right. It's not that any particular food is intrinsically "bad" but our use of that food can undermine us in so many ways. While in the losing phase, I was very strict, but I'm in maintenance (5 years out almost), and so I do allow myself treats--but only those that I can control. For example, the other day, I bought a small packet of some gourmet ginger snaps. Yesterday, I ate 3, and I woke up this morning thinking about those cookies. So I made my husband take them to work.  It's not that the cookies were bad or even that I gained any weight from eathing them, but they triggered old, out of control eating impulses.  So they had to go.

This has been, for me, one of the great things that I have learned and FINALLY accepted in this journey: I am not normal and NEVER will be. I have to be always vigilant that I don't allow myself to start deluding myself about my relationship with food. Our triggers are all individual and the level of our food addictions undoubtedly vary, but I do think it's something many of us share.

It's so much easier to learn new behaviors and coping skills in the beginning when we are newly sleeved, and that's one of the reasons so many vets harp on the "honeymoon phase."

I enjoy reading your posts, Happy! Thanks for being here..

Lizanne

 Word.

{{Hugs}}

I always chuckle when I hear the expression "Everything in moderation." My immediate response is to know that if I could moderate certain foods I would never have weighed 319 lbs. My sleeve can help me moderate quantity for the most part, but it can't help me moderate frequency and I know myself and my tendency to slide down slippery slopes.

Secret eating was also a big thing for me. I consider it to have been the most unhealthy (mentally) part of my eating behavior. I still sometimes think to myself that I could stop at the 7-Eleven and get some chips and no-one would ever know. I don't, but the urge isn't gone.

As for not punishing ourselves, I have an analogy:

My daughter has pretty severe ADHD. There are certain organizational, short term memory, etc. issues that come with the territory. When she has these struggles, we don't berate or treat them as behavioral - but we do work with her to figure out strategies so she can be successful in living with her ADHD, and consistently challenge her to use those strategies.

Meanwhile, my husband has (wait for it) ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until adulthood. He has struggled his whole life with some of these same issues and beat himself up pretty badly about it. He and I have a similar arrangement in reacting. If he forgets something he said he'd do, for example, I am to non-judgementally remind him ("Did you have a chance to x y or z?") and he is to respond by not beating himself up and not considering me to be nagging.

If I'm going to be this way with my family about their ADHD, what justification do I have to beat myself up when I struggle with my eating disorder? I wouldn't do it them, I need to not do it to me. However, as with my daughter I do need work on solutions to succeed, and often the easiest solution is to not have a certain food in the house (or in the cabinets I use) or not go to a certain restaurant. Because it's an easy way to manage the beast and keep the peace in my head.

Thank you Happy!  Even though I haven't had my surgery yet, I am scared to death of trigger foods.  I am searching within myself to find out what they are, and to be prepared post-op. 

This is a great post. I splurged on some regular potato chips at the store the other day - telling myself they were for my daughter. Well, I found myself dipping into the bag for a handful multiple times during the day, to the point where I had to make my husband put them somewhere out of my sight. I could look at a cake on the counter all day long with no craving, but salty/crunchy snacks are a big trigger for me. I can have a bite or two of a sweet treat without any issues, but I can't stop eating the chips. EVER.

Yes, I try to say if I can eat just one (or whatever a serving is), then it's okay. But if I can't (just) have one, I can't have any!! I am not always successful, but I usually manage it by not buying foods I can't control.

It is such a relief to see that others struggle with the same problems, and can still succeed at this!

 Happy!  This is a great post - as was the other!

I think the real key to what you are saying is learning to recognize when we are acting mindlessly.  That can be very hard to do sometimes.  As humans we all have an incredible capacity for self illusion.  We will tell ourselves all sorts of things - and as soon as we put a label on what we are doing we think we are done.  Mine was always the "boredom" tag, for others its "moderation", so forth and so on.  Its as unique as our triggers.

Last week, and I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, I found myself telling the psychologist that led our support group "I don't have issues with food, I have issues that lead me to abuse food".

I started thinking right after saying it- What utter nonsense!  Isn't that really the same thing?  Was I just placating myself by not wanting to label myself a food addict? 

So when is a bad choice just a bad choice?  When is a cigar just a cigar?  You have to be willing to look into WHY you made the bad choice.  Was I just being lazy, was I emptionally eating, was it the third tuesday after a new moon?  Until you really look at why you did something, you can't answer it.  Referring back to your other post, you have to get past the guilt and the self punishment before you can ask yourself those questions.