Deja Vu and Curious about You Guys

It is the most meaningful personal work I've done.  I don't feel like it does much to make the world a better place, but it helps me be a better person for the outward-looking stuff I do.

It is very meaningful work!  I have 2 daughters - 13 and 6.  Body image for young girls is so so so crucial!!!  I worry about the oldest, who is a bit overweight.  The youngest's weight is fine, but her eating habits leave a lot to be desired.  Though I've tried to instill in them healthy eating habits from day 1, I was obviously not following what I was preaching.  I hope I am finally being the good role model they need.

Just reading all of your posts has given me a lot of hope.  I set my goal weight at 150 (I'm only 5'3" and have a petite frame) because that is the weight I was in my mid-30s.  While I was far from thin then, I at least felt normal.

I just never imagined it was realistic to think I could attain the weight I was before I had children, much less my adolescent weight.  Though I don't think I want to go THAT far, your stories have me thinking that perhaps 120 isn't unattainable....though I don't expect it to be easy.

I think (and I could be wrong) that it is a little easier for people that were not obese as children.  I have read that we form our fat cells as children and only shrink them by losing weight, not destroy them.  New research could make this explanation out-of-date, but many folks definitely return to their lowest adult weight!

just wanted to add, Happy, Mom, Momsy -- you ladies are doing GREAT!!   I've met Mom4Jazz and personally know how fabulous she looks.  (I've also met rhidunn from here, another fabulous, gorgeous lady.) 

Thanks Jaded!  Looks like you've done pretty fabulous yourself!!

I don't ever recall being in the 140's like I am now... I know as an adult, I never was this small, just based on my body shape and bones.

I have been big since I was a little kid, and once lost to 155 for about a week in my 20's, bumped up to the mid 170's where I hung out for about 5 years. That was my lowest ever adult weight. So, I had some anxiety getting to that weight and past it.. thinking that it was going to stop there and that was going to be it.. Now I'm past it- and trying to get the last few off.. still worrying that somehow I'm going to magically start re-gaining.. THAT's going to be a long-term anxiety of mine, I can tell.

I can't recall when I was 140something, I'd imagine under 10yrs old.. I was a big kid. My first Dr supervised diet was at age 9.

Thank you, I feel very inspired.  I worry I won't get any smaller than where I am now.  And not just irrationally worried.  Like, I can't handle being smaller and I can't sustain the way of eating to maintain less.  But, I started losing again on basically the same plan (just switched out carb calories for protein), so I think smaller might happen.

I'm trying to cultivate acceptance for the outcome I'm going to get for the amount of willingness I have.  I am genuinely nervous about who I'll be at 160 lb, or smaller.  I don't know why!  But I'm just trying to have faith that clean eating isn't going to take me to a bad place.  Thanks!!

I'm worried to- but I have faith (for both of us) that our bodies will need more fuel to maintain than we are eating now, or we wouldn't be losing still.. but clean eating is the lifetime deal and I know this. I know I could stop it in it's tracks if I started eating what I used to on a regular basis.. thankfully, I am a meat & cheese-head!

It is a head-trip, this getting smaller than we ever were thing.. It's unnerving, but usually in a good way, if that makes sense? I re-hung a bunch of mirrors I put away years ago.. I catch myself in them and do the "stop & pose" not for primping-sake, but just because this whole thing is so novel, I'm not used to that reflection being me. I stare at myself.. trying to get it into my head.

I do find myself weirdly self-conscious, on the opposite spectrum of when I was the largest in the room.. now among my friends I'm the smallest.. I feel... exposed? Gangly? Not sure how to hold my arms & legs with the empty space around me sometimes.. It is very odd indeed. If someone points out my clavicles, I get even more weirded about it.. I feel like the same person inside, but weirdly not connected to the outside anymore since I fit in space so differently. I'm sure our brains will catch up eventually.. the transitions are just so fast and extreme on several levels that it does throw one for a loop for a while and makes me at least, feel oddly vulnerable and visible.

Yes yes yes!  Vulnerable and visible!!  That's so IT.  My mom was 6 ft tall and always said she felt safe because as a big woman, no man was going to throw her over his shoulder and kidnap her.  And I've kind of felt the same way - very solid and oddly invulnerable.  When I'm smaller, I feel like I would hurt myself if I fell down, or the wind would knock me over.

Not to mention VISIBLE.  Yikes.  That's the worst.  It's very hard to explain to people who don't feel this way - especially people who went into adulthood at a normal weight.  Who am I if I'm not the fattest woman in the room?  Who am I if I'm not a fat woman at all?  As fat people, we wear our issues on the outside, so you'd think I'd feel *less* visible, but instead I feel like everyone can see right *into* me.  And at the same time, I feel like a complete imposter as a thin person, and any second my secret will be discovered.  Not that I've been fat, I'm not worried about that, but that people who just meet me for the first time are going to think I'm normal!

When I was younger, I thought it was just being uncomfortable with the sexual attention, but even now as a "woman of a certain age", I feel so exposed.  So I try to be gentle with myself when I lose slowly, because I can't just zoom down the scale without a lot of mental adjustment.  I have to remind myself to just do the work and accept the outcome.  But it's a trip.  In some ways, this is the harder part, head-wise.  Thanks for the great dialogue!!