I binged today. Rant for the binge eating disordered people out there - longish

Hi. I'm Somayeh, and I'm a food addict, compulsive overeater, and disordered binge eater.

Well, being a binge eater, I struggle with periods of restrictive eating followed by binges/binge periods (several days of binging daily). I'm in therapy for it, but it's a long, agonizing process to recovery. Part of it involves being mindful of the physical discomfort/pain that comes with my binges. Part - and this is the hardest part - involves forgiving myself my slips. That's not to say that I should excuse, or accept that binges are OK. But the guilt cycle that usually follows binges fuels self-punishing restrictive periods that only lead to further binges. This means that moving forward with VSG, I sometimes have to look at things a little differently than most post-ops. 

I've been doing really well with my preop diet over the last week, but I failed to plan ahead today and after returning from an exhausting shopping trip where I had to drag home nearly 50 lbs on an empty stomach, I broke and binged. Not a little slip, either. I jumped in head first. Having followed a reduced calory, low fat, low carb diet for the last week, I am in quite a bit of discomfort following the binge. Which is good. My body is telling me: "Don't do that. That **** ain't funny anymore. Are you crazy? Do you want to die?" No. I don't want to die. I don't want to binge. I want to eat like a normal person.

But I can accept incremental growth. I can accept that sometimes, I go back to my old eating habits. I can also accept that part of this process involves reinforcing new neural pathways that give me different options than restrict->binge->guilt-trip->self-hate->restrict, etc. As much as it seems to go against approaches I usually see on these forums, my journey invovles a calm and loving acceptance that sometimes it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back. So as much as I want to beat myself up and throw myself into a guilt cycle for the binge, I decided it would be healthier to come here and share with others who can empathize with my story. 

So here goes: I binged today. I didn't like it (even during the binge), I didn't even enjoy the food I binged on (funny how you can notice how processed foods taste differently after a week on healthy fresh foods). It was uncomfortable and unnecessary. But I can accept that it happened. I can forgive myself for it. Now, I can move forward thinking about how I can better fuel my body for a more comfortable eating pattern for the rest of the day.

Step 1: Don't starve myself for the rest of the day in retaliation. I think I'll make that Green Chicken Soup Elina's mentioned. I've been wanting to for some time. It sounds healthy, hearty and yummy. 


Somayeh

I think it's a good step.

I have to deal with compulsive binge eating tendencies. That's certainly a large part of how I ended up at 420 lbs, but the good news is, it's possible to still lose weight and get healthy, even with these issues.

I commend your efforts to deal with these issues now before you have surgery - it will be a life long struggle, but it can be easier to deal with and manage with the sleeve, as long as you know and are prepared for it to be hard. Even though Ive lost over 200 lbs, I still have a hard time with these issues, I still slip up from time to time, but over the last two years, I have definitely moved away from the guilt feelings - it can still ruin my mood for a day or week, but that's the most I will allow. I have an automatic reset button on Sundays where it doesnt matter at all what kind of week I've had - I still go exercise, go grocery shopping and prepare my food - that way I know even if I had a bad week or weekend, there's always a new start every week

Forgive yourself, keep working on it, be mindful of your triggers, and you will do very well :)

I think that we are all compulsive and disordered eaters of one type or another.  I think that you're right to work on forgiving yourself above all else.  So many of us are perfectionists and all-or-none, black-or-white thinkers. 

Forgiving yourself and doing the next right thing is what will carry you through this process.  I'm sure there are some people who will claim to be perfect in retrospect, but most of us have slips and crashes during this journey.  All you can do is try to figure out what caused you to fall down (so you can avoid it next time), pick yourself up, and move on. 

I always love this poem:

 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

 

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

 

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place

but, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

 

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

my eyes are open

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

 

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

V

I walk down another street.

 
Best wishes in your journey, girl!  You'll do just fine, even if you're not perfect.

I love the poem. Very powerful words.